Hi Heather, You are right. I truly believe that you are right and be arrested is not normal at all. I cannot describe my feeling while I was reading what he has done to you. I was part of child oral abuse. Even today I have his words and sentences going through my mind. I have depression, I have fear to talk to people, a failed marriage, no relationship going above one day in the past 2.5 years, and sum of my friends do not exceed the number of fingers in one hand. You are a very smart person, and you see the light. You know you can get ride of these thoughts and be back where you want to be. Don’t let it go. Keep seeing yourself having a good marriage and children and so on. Keep distance from him. Even you have to move somewhere else. Forget being angry to what is happened. You are hurting yourself by being angry to him. Confucius said once: “An angry man is always full of poison.”. This one is from Montaigne: “A man is not hurt so much by what happens, as by opinion of what happens” and Aurelius said: “Our life is what our thoughts make it”. Praying is one of the best things we can do to ourselves. Pray as much as you can. And here is my favorite: God grant me serenity To accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

hey guys, thanks so much for responding to my post..heather i'm glad things are looking up, i'm sorry you were in the hospital for two months, but at least you're dealing with it, and trying your hardest to get better. i'm at Westfield State College and my major is Communications. i am trying to get help for everything right now but i don't want my parents to know, my sister does, but my parents do not, so i don't know how to go about seeing a therapist without it coming up on their health insurance. it's really hard to see my abusers everyday because it makes me remember what happened that night everyday. i know i'm strong and i can get better, but i definitely need help, and both of your posts were very helpful, thanks z and heather. anyways it's getting late and i better get some sleep, or at least try tonight. goodnight, and i hope tomorrow brings a better day.

looking again at what you wrote: Thank you. I cannot understand how people who are supposed to have chosen to care for others and for us are so afraid of their own weakness that they have to pick on us and make us the guilty ones when we are the ones who have been victimized. Secondary abuse is such a clinicla term for the hate the have for their own weakness which is so fearful for them that they have to take it out on us. It is a very rare psychiatric professional who can deal with PTSD and abuse. Thank you again for the posting. No one, none of the adults, was ever there for me when I was being abused. They all had more important things on the fire. Adults abandonded me and left me to perpetrators and then they blame me for their own incompetence and uncaring. It is their job to be there, and they did not do their job. So now I have to learn how to do the job they did not do for myself and for the other people in my life. I am not the one who was not there when I was needed, but now I pay the price. I refuse to lose this one. I choose to go on, and it gets better. Thank you again.

I'm a brand new member and I did not read the whole account through all of the postings, partly because it was beginning to to trigger. I am sorry. I should have read it all, and I am really and truly greatful for the courage you had to write all of it. I couldn't have, and if I was going to say anything at all I had to stop reading it for a while. I have been on various abuse and PTSD lists for about seven years, and so it is a lot easier for me to read it now than 7 or 8 years ago. Believe me: it gets better! It does not get better over night. It gets a little better every day, and when someone says you will never be "cured" that does not mean you weill never get better. You get better. I can say that that is a promise. Everyone I know of from all the lists has gotten better, and no one's life is perfect. I am so sorry about the secondary abuse you received. The secondary abuse is what takes away hope, and I understand just how angry it makes people to be so demeaned and belitled by people who are supposed to be there to help you. One of my examples: My own brother is a famous legal scholar who was a friend of presidents. When I was left for dead as a 15 year old in plastic bag in a dumpster after a sexual assault, my brother laughed and told me that I shouldn't make passes at guys so much bigger than me. I'll never forgive him. It was so much worse than being killed to me. I'd have rathered he had killed me, and it is almost 50 years ago and it still makes me furious. However ten years ago, I could not not have written these words at all. At this point in the story I would have been crying, smashing dishes, smashing my fists into the wall, and I would not have been able to sleep for a day or two. So I know it gets better. The most important thing to me is being a human being and a human being cares and it hurts. My brother, for whatever reason, chose not to be human, [as my psychiatrist did a few weeks ago and I walked out because I don't take it from them anymore.] I know more than they do. My brother could not bear the thought that violence is random and can happen to anybody, and he chose to hurt ME rather than face his own fear and weakness. So did my psychiatrist a few weeks ago, and so have most psychs and shrinks and counselors I have

Hi Diana Sorry it took me so long to respond to you. I was in the hospital again...for two months this time. I was getting wicked flashbacks and the meds weren't working right. Things are better now. Thanks for all the encouragement and thanks for sharing your experience. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I can't believe you have to see your abusers every day. You must be an extremely strong person. What are you studying in college? Did you ever get help for your trauma. I hope you did. It has helped me quite a lot. I still have a long way to go but I am better than I have been in a while. I hope all is well with you. heather

hi, i just signed up with this program, needing to vent as well, and i wanted to say that i am sorry for all you are going through. i know that it is pointless to say that maybe someday you will be able to cope with everything, that may be my only optimistic idea i have had in the past year. the only way i can relate to you is that i was sexually assaulted and i know how it feels to not trust people and losing your sense of self. my trauma is nothing compared to yours, but i am able to relate to how you feel in a few aspects. when it happened i felt weak and unable to do anything, which is where i felt like i did not know myself too well. i am a college student at a very small school and i see the guys who did this to me everyday. i just wanted to say hello, and that since i can relate to some of your feelings i just wanted to let you know that there will be someone else out there listening. i am hoping this support group will help me, and finding someone else to talk to where we can relate to eachother is comforting. since i just joined i haven't read everything you've written but from here on out i am here to listen. "Don't let the world bring you down. not everyone here is that f****d up and cold. remember why you came and while you're alive experience the warmth before you grow old."-Incubus-The Warmth i love this quote from Incubus' song so i figured i would share it with you. it really says that there are people out here for you, even if they are anonymous faces, which i think are easier to vent to sometimes. you will get your life back, and you will be stronger for having endured such hell. your father may have taken things away from you, but none of which is your potential, like anne marie said. i think she is right. like she said you showing your children love, real love, shows that you are a caring person and that no matter how horrible you were treated you are able to realize what real love is. i hope your days start getting better, and i hope that this post is something that makes you smile a little bit, cause i know how great a half smile feels, and i hope that i at least made you smile a real half smile if not bigger :) now go have some comforting relaxation time, you definitely deserve it Diana (just to be a

Hi Susan I am glad that you are seeing your family doctor. Good for you for having the courage to end it and report the jerk. He has done you much harm. I am sure he has harmed others in the past and probably will in the future. That is why it is so important to report this guy and make it stop. Especially to keep yourself from further harm. You asked what I would do in that situation. I would do exactly as you plan to do. Then I would definitely ask for a referral to a good therapist. Probably a woman would be a good idea for obvious reasons. You will need help to get over what this guy did to you and then there are the underlying issues. You mentioned killing yourself. I hope that you meant that it a joking manner. If you are serious then it is really important to tell your doctor that. I don't know if you have been in the hospital before or not. What happens is they look at the medication situation and see if it needs to be changed or tweaked. There will be someone there 24/7 if you have a problem or want to talk or figure stuff out. It is also a time out from stress and life. You will have no responsibilites except to help yourself get well. I went into the hospital for 2 months just recently. I went in suicidal and came out a lot more stable with different meds and a new therapist. Please do this for yourself if you need to. It is not a scary place like everyone thinks. It is people like us who are struggling with issues. Please, please tell your doctor if you feel like you want to hurt yourself okay. I let mine go too long and that is why I ended up being there for 2 months instead of a week or two. Please take really good care of yourself Susan. hugs heather p.s. please remember that you are a strong and courageous person. Look what you have made it through so far. You can do it Susan!!

Baby- Sure we can talk on e-mail instead. My e-mail address is: slgonder@msn.com Susan-

I would like to talk on email instead if you are ok with that

Melaine- Also, what are my options as far as the whole Patient/Therapist relationship that has happened with my Therapist who has taken advantage of me? Susan- Who should I tell? What options do I have. I feel so depressed I can't even move or go to my first day at work. :-(