Hello. And I am new to this simply because I never thought I had a depression. I've been feeling down about my whole life ever since I was about ten years old. But there was also something to look forward to. School. Now I'm in college, getting ready to graduate, but all of the sudden I just feel this horrible fear of tommorow. I don't know why. And I don't want to graduate because I see no point in going on. What will I do after getting my degree? Nothing has made my life better - how will this make it any different? I have never been to a doctor simply because my parents don't believe in depression. I tried killing myself the first time at age 8. Than again at age 15. I was a self- harmer since age 17. I want to finish school and get my diploma and move on. But I can't concentrate in class simply because I have no interest in striving for good grades anymore. What's the point? I live with my family and my father was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. And I have no idea what to do now. I have a best friend and a boyfriend who are kind enough to hold my hand when I cry and calm me down when I'm upset. But how long will that last? I don't know where to go for help, even if I wanted it. And when I DO know where to go, I usually simply can't afford it. My sister made me take a depression test because she thinks I am depressed. The test told me that I have symptoms of a depression. But....going to a doctor is out of my paying range, especially given the situation with my father's sickness. I am 24 years old. I lived on my own long ago, but I had to move back in to help support my parents when my mother lost her job and couldn't work any longer. And now, I feel like simply finding the darkest, deepest hole and crawling into it. My sister asked me to join this forum, because she says talking about things with other people helps. I keep on thinking about suicide or maybe a lucky "accident". Is there really any hope for someone like me? I really don't think so. But at this point...I'm just doing this because someone asked me to. I read someplace that there's no "useless" life. But that's what mine has been ever since I was born. Useless. Defected. Abnormal. Does medication really fix that?
