Dear Rob, Thank you for your insight and knowledge. I can see that you are very good at helping others, everyone is grateful for you insight on such a sensitive topic. Please keep us posted and please don't stop answering the support group questions, you advice really helps. Thanks, Josie

My son is 16. He attempted suicide at the age of 14. In fact he was on Zoloft when he overdosed. Since then he was diagnosed with MDD. MDD treatment is a trial and error thing. He still cuts himself when he gets upset but not as much as he used to. One key to getting better is they have to open upto their psychiatrist and we went through several doctors and counselors until he found ones that he did like. They have tried many medications and about a year ago they happened upon ones that worked. He is almost totally different than a year ago. It is slow, frustrating but my advice is to pray, be patient and get all the help you can for your daughter. Read up on MDD so you understand what she is going through. I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have or just talk. Keep smiling--things will get better!

Hi Lost Mom I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. You are doing the right thing though, you are asking questions. I was depressed at your daughter's age and was suicidal at 10 years old. I had some very traumatic experiences when I was young and now suffer from major depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I am not trying to scare you but is there any chance that your daughter has or endured anything traumatic that you don't know about? Some of the symptoms you describe was me at that age. Your daughter is the best source of information. There may be nothing traumatic in her past but it wouldn't hurt to ask. The younger a person is when they seek help the more likely they are to recover. I would suggest that you let her know that she can tell you anything. Let her know you won't blame her for anything that has happened. Let her know that you will always be on her side and that you will believe her 100% about anything she says. You may also want to ask her if she has lots of nightmares and if she sleeps okay. As I said I don't want to scare you and I hope that nothing has happened to your daughter but I feel compelled to tell you this because if there is any trauma it needs to be dealt with while she is a child so she won't bring it into adulthood. About the cutting. I did it when I was your daughter's age. It can mean a number of things. It can mean a cry for help. It can mean emotions or thoughts that are so scary or so overwhelming that cutting takes the mind away from the bad thoughts. It can be a release of all the pain or overwhelming or suicidal thoughts. I have just come out of the hospital after two months. Before I went in I was extremely suicidal. The suicidal thoughts became so overwhelming that I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin or end up comitting suicide. I cut my arms up which I haven't done since I was quite young. For me it was a release of all the tension and confusion. The pain and trickling blood let my thoughts go to something that I could control. I don't know if this answers your questions but I hope it helps. Your daughter is very lucky to have a mother like you that is so concerned for her wel

Well, I've been called a lot of things before but never a Godsend. :blush: Yes, she WILL make it, she has a good, caring mom to look out for her. I also know a little about ADHD too. :blush: My fiance was diagnosed, Hyperactivity disorder with some attention deficit as a child. He still has some, even now but thankfully has learned to control it. he was on Ritalin until he hit puberty, it seems that quite often a child with ADHD, when they hit puberty, their metabolism changes and the Ritalin no longer controls it quite as well. They often have to find another way to deal with it. Robert, my fiance discovered that coffee, (caffeine being a stimulant too) helped him. You do have a lot of mental health problems in your family don't you. *hugs* Yes, your probably right, it's quite possibly genetic. I'm the only one in the family, that's why I was alwways classed as a 'nutter'. :( It's particularly bad time for her, for this to have developed now, the hormonal changes taking place coinciding with whatever else is going on. Whew. I"m sure you remember how confusing those years were without anything else happening too. I would suggest, on one of her 'good days' before she gets home, sitting down with her and talking to her. Explain that you are trying to understand, that no matter what happens, you'll always love her, but that you will need her to help you to help her. That you will make mistakes, same as she will, but that you'll do your best for her. Ask HER to understand YOU. Ask her to work with you. It will help BOTH of you to feel a little more in control of the situation. She's gonna have 'low self esteem'. She's gonna need a lot of 'ego stroking'. But that doesn't mean letting her get away with murder. How are her brothers dealing with it? How is her stepfather dealing with it? What are their reactions? Confusion? Distress? Do you have THEIR support? Explain to them what I've explained to you. As I keep saying, I am NOT an expert in respect of professional training. I've just experienced a lot of life. :-( If you want to contact me off this site, type in www.writing.com, when you get there type in aran1953, you'll find my portfolio there. I run a support group there called 'The Elysian Fields'. Just post a message in the group for

Aron - You are a Godsend. I appreciate all your concerns and your time. My daughter is the youngest of 5 kids and the only girl. I divorced her father when she was almost 1 yr. old. I remarried when she was 3. My husband is a wonderful dad to her, but she resents her real father because he never calls or acknowledges any holidays. He lives several states away from us. Her depression started about a year ago. I just kept thinking she was growing up and being tempermental. She can swing her moods faster than anybody I've ever seen. She was always an A,B student until this year. She started getting some C's and now her lowest grade is a 20! She always has some excuse or another about why her grades are so low. I have kept in touch with her teachers but never discussed depression. One of her teachers found a suicide note. That day she ended up being admitted to the hospital. I talked to her doctor this morning about transitioning from the hospital to a day program when she is ready. That way she can have school and alot of counseling. It may be a few months before she goes back to her regular school. I am going to wait until then to talk to the teachers. Our school district has 3 elementary schools that all combine in 6th grade. She has met all kinds of people this year. Her friends changed from the preppy group to the skater or punk group. We have tried to give the kids freedom to pick their own friends and I thought maybe this was just a phase while she was trying to find herself. What you said about her eating makes alot of sense to me. I wonder if not eating was her own self harm but then hunger overwhelms her so she eats whatever she can sneak into her room without being noticed. I did do some room cleaning because I am switching her room with one of her brothers. I want her to be only 1 wall away from from me everynight. I think I will be able to hear if she is getting up at night and it will give me more peace of mind. I took away scissors, pins, music about death, depressing pictures...They did take blood the first day she was in the hosp. I assumed that no news was good news. We do have a family history that doesn't sound very positive (Bipolor, schizphrenia, depression, drug & alcohol abuse) What more could a kid ask for!!! She didn't grow up very close

Some other trains of thought. :quest It could be that your daughter is not as confident of her abilities, perhaps she's beginning to struggle a little with her work or with her outside activities, sports etc? It could just be that she may have a true chemical imbalance in certain brain chemicals. Has she had blood tests to rule this out? How does she get on at school with the teachers and other kids? Is there any jealousy because she's bright or athletic or pretty? There are so many reasons for someone especially a child to develop depression and to become a self harmer. Going back to your first post I missed answering some questions. As for removing all things that may become an instrument for self harm, it's not always practical, if we REALLY want to hurt ourselves we will. You can make sure that things like razors and kitchen knives and pills are not easily accessible, but that's about all you can do. You see a self harmer will ALWAYS find a way. If there are no actual items available a self harmer will scratch, bite, hair pull, bang head or body against a wall. Self harm also covers self neglect, she may not want to eat, she may want to go without sleep, she may not want to get out of bed at all, or she may not want to wash or bathe, I know these are all symptoms of depression too, but they are also forms of self harm to be used at will. My advice to you, as I said before, and this WILL be difficult at times although you can't imagine it, LOVE her,let her know you love her without overwhelming her. DON'T EXPECT anything from her, accept her as she is. Whatever is wrong with her is a part of her and may be so for a very long time even for the rest of her life. I'm not trying to scare you, I just want you to be aware that it's a long slow process to get her back. Actually, she'll never be back in the same way. She'll still be herself, just different. She'll be stronger in some ways. I would actually talk to her as an adult, respect her for her point of view, even if it's the weirdest point of view you've ever heard. :) If she's willing, talk about her self harm, if she's not just let her know that you're there when she wants to. I'll most likely be posting again, this one is close to my heart. :) Aran Cocburn

You're welcome. :-) The 'sneak eating' that your daughter does is 'comfort eating'. Everything you've said makes me think that for some reason, maybe unknown to her, she is very unhappy. You said that she is attractive, bright, athletic, perhaps she expects too much of herself at times and is upset when she doesn't meet her high standards? Just another train of thought. What's her work like at school? Do her teachers know of her problems, do her schoolfriends and friends at home know? Are you married or in a relationship? If you are, how does your husband feel about it? Do YOU get ANY support at all? You'll ned some support yourself to get through this. It's going to be difficult for you to understand what your daughter's going through. If the support staff here have no objections I'm willing to give you my home email address to contact me. I am also a member of writing.com where I run a group for people, (originally just depressives and self harmers), but now we cover a whole spectrum of mental health problems. We have quite a few teenagers, ranging from the 'angsty' teenage drama queens to full blown multiple personality disorder. As I said I'm not a professional, it's just that I've lived through a lot of problems and survived. I just give emotional support and am able to explain things in 'simple language' and not in medical jargon. :-) For anyone else out there who may be reading this, writing.com is a good site, it's more of a community, you can just browse, or you can post your writing, or there are many support groups on there too. More info on me, I'm 50 yrs old, English, moved to Canada in May last year. I have three children and three grandchildren. I was abused as a child and as an adult, as a result I suffer reactive depression and PTSD. I was a self harmer for a number of years, I still suffer depression, but it's a part of me now, I live WITH it, I accept it. I try not to let it rule my life. Not always successfully, but enough to be able to enjoy life. Aran

Thank you for sharing your story with us today. We want you to know that our Depression Center is not only for people who are struggling to cope with this disease. We would like to see more friends and family be involved in our support group. People who are struggling with Depression find it hard to open up to friends and family. If we all work together to educate and support each other, we hopefully will find these unknown answers to all our questions. Please continue to post your concerns! Even if you just need someone to talk to we are here for you and your family. Take care, Melanie

Aran- Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. It really helps. It is almost like all the "professionals" are so into their profession that parents are left hanging out on a limb. You were the first person that could explain why somebody cuts. Now that you mentioned eating disorders....she also sneaks food! She doesn't usually eat much when people are around, but she gets up in the middle of the night and eats junk food (pure sugar, raw pasta, baking chocolate...) and then tries to hide them or cover them up. My daughter has not been abused or had anything traumatic happen to her. I think that's what makes it so hard to understand. I have thought that she was working toward an eating disorder, but everybody brushes it off. I just feel really lost and I really appreciate your input.

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughters problems, I can only imagine how you feel. I am a mum and a grandmum myself, I know how I would feel. *hugs* I'm also a self harmer. I used to be a 'cutter'. I haven't cut for a number of years but I still get the urge to do so particularly when I am stressed. I can't answer questions on medication, I don't use any now because of adverse reactions in the past. I can help with the issue of self harm though. There are many reasons why we hurt ourselves. Mine for a variety of reasons, I was abused as a child, I was taught that I was 'worthless, ugly and useless'. :-( I also cut in response to an overload of stress, usuallly emotional stress. Have you been able to talk to your daughter? has she said anything at all as to why she cuts? Has she had problems at school, being bullied etc? has there been a recent upheaval in your lives? Divorce, bereavement, anything like that? It is going to be difficult, living with a self harmer, but she can recover from it, she WILL recover from it, but it will take time, maybe quite a long time. You must be prepared for that. I describe myself as they do in AA or GA, I'm not cured of my self harming, I'm a 'recovering' self harmer, I'm only one cut away from doing it again. She is going to need all your love and support, no matter what she does to herself, you must tell her you love her, don't ever let you see that you're disgusted with her, that will only reinforce the feelings that she has. because she will be so confused, angry and disgusted with herself. Some people self harmm because they feel worthless etc, others do it to punish themselves. Self harming can also be a 'coping mechanism'. A way to feel 'in control' of some area of their lives. My own personal experience of it, when I got too stressed and the pressure built up inside, cutting 'relieved' that pressure, much in the old ways of 'blood letting'. When the blood flowed, the pressure inside of me eased. Others do it to provide a 'distracting' pain, they feel such emotional pain inside for whatever reason that they need to create a 'real' pain to distract themselves. I'll be happy to answer any questions anyone has about self harming, which by the way also includes, Anorexia, Bulimia, drug abuse, alcoholism, etc. I