Carry: You're right, I do not understand the Korean culture. What I gather from your writing is that respect is something that is demanded from everyone. It should also be given by EVERYONE. I believe your parents did something to make you as wonderful as you are. Your maturity, eloquence and wisdom has helped pull me through dark times. I would really like to understand your family and your Korean culture. I do not want to create bad blood between you and the family. I want you to know optimism and faith. Your confidence in your abilities has been supressed for so long you think there's no way to fix this. There is a way and I would love to help you find it. I am not a therapist. I am simply your friend.

Hi Barbara, My weekend was.. well, I slept most of my weekend. I don't know if it's the cold weather or something else but all I want to do lately is just sleep. Not so much because I'm "feeling" bad, but I just want to sleep. A friend of mine told me part of the reason is because I have a low blood pressure, and most people with low blood pressure gets pretty sleepy during the cold season. What you said about trust between parents and adults. I totally agree with you. As for putting distance between my parents and I.. Well, that's easier said than done. I think it would be bit harder for me because I come from a different background. Even though we've lived here for over 20 years, many "traditions" stayed with us. Mostly in Korea, children are trained to obey their parents no matter what the circumstance or reason. Why? Simply because they're our parents. I'm not trying to make it seem like they're nothing but dictators. I know they love their children and like you said, are doing things which they "think" is best for their children. I guess it's a matter of perspective. There's an old story. I think this was a true story. Where this guy loved his mother so much, that after she died, he built a small hut near by his mother's grave to be with her and spent the rest of his life there. He was being praised for being such a loving and devoted son. I'm sure both of us can find MANY things wrong with this picture. But this is the type of things we were taught as young children. I know it's not right. But I also think you can't teach old dogs new tricks. My family do have a very strong and tight bond among each other. I wouldn't trade them for anything. As for my parents.. I want to minumize any regret I might have after they pass away. I just keep praying that God will guide me through any troubles that comes my way.

Carry: I'm sorry I didn't explaine myself in my last post. I didn't mention how I had to work to become friends with my daughters. Don't forget that I was the bad guy for most of their youth. I was the one who said no. I was the one who grounded them. I also did what my eldest calls the worse possible thing. After she ran away I read her diary. I did it to find any information I could in order to find her. Even though this happened 8 years ago she didn't forgive me for 6 years. I HAD TO WORK TO GAIN MY CHILDREN'S TRUST. Do you understand what I'm saying? My babies were adults. If I wanted a relationship with them I had to work for it. I had no choice but to listen to what they thought I did wrong. I either had to explain why I did what I did, or I had to apologize for what I said. All my children said they think I was a good mother. But I think they said that because I made the effort to befriend them. I want you to understand that mothers make mistakes. Sometimes parents are wrong. We think our intentions are good, but sometimes we are wrong. I didn't want my children to feel they HAD to spend time with me because I am their mother. I worked very hard to get to know and respect them as individuals and adults. I have even told them about my upbringing and my therapy. There were things they said I did wrong. When I explained the situation as I saw it they began to understand why I parented the way I did. I want you to have a wonderful relationship with your family. However, your parents have to be willing to see you as an adult. If they can't maybe you may have to put some distance between you.

Hi Barbara, Sorry I haven't come by lately. Things have been bit... hectic lately. And my mother was in a small car accident yesterday so I've been even busier making calls and driving to auto body shops and such the past two days. Thankfully, no one was hurt. And she seemed to be ok. And the person that hit her car was really nice and I think everything has been pretty much settled. As for how it's going at home. Well, everything seems "peachy". I've been getting little panic attacks from time to time again. Bit stronger then before. I think I've been hiding it pretty well. Anyway, I hope you're doing well also. How's your therapy going? It's really great to hear what a wonderfull relationship you have with your children. It just shows what a wonderfulf person you are. I'm always thankfull to God for sending you my way. The weather is crazy here. Take care so you won't catch cold or anything. ^_^ I'll talk to you again soon.

Carry: How was your weekend? I asked my eldest daughter if I ever treated her as a child after she became an adult. She said I did in the beginning but she thought I just worried about her. Though I think children should be respectful of their parents, I also think that parents have to earn the respect of their adult children. Though my kids have some of the same characteristics they had as children I don't treat them as children. They are grown and dependable. I will always worry about my kids but now that they are grown I get to know them as friends. That relationship means so much to me. I was allowed to watch my two granddaughters enter the world because I stepped back and showed my daughter the respect she earned from me. I hope your mother knows what a beautiful, dependable, intelligent, and creative woman you are. Your attention and friendship has meant so much to me. I am able to say things to you I wouldn't say to my closest friends. Respectfully, Barbara

Carry: I don't know much about your family dinamics but I do know you are an intelligent adult. Your mother saying hurtful things to you is unacceptable. So what you messed up. You are human and subject to mistakes. No one, not even your mother has the right to verbally assault you. I have three adult children and I don't feel as if I have the right to treat them badly. I know you have a difficult time standing up to your family but you deserve as much respect as they do.

Hi Barbara, I know what you mean about feeling guilty. There are so many people who are suffering far more than us. And like you said, what we're going through is hard and important. And it's something that WE are going through so for us, it's a problem we must face constantly. So I don't think we should feel guilty about "whining" since it's part of the healing process(?). But I'm happy to see your desire to want to do more for other that are in need. I think when I'm trying to help others, it's a sign that I'm feeling better and strong enough to do so. Even though you've been having a tough time lately, it seems like things are still working out for the better, no? ^_^ I got into a bit of trouble last night at home. It was something I didn't mind getting scolding about. But the fact that both my parents were getting on my case about it started making me angry. After a while, as always, I caved in and went to apologize to my mother. She's the type that has to get everything out in order to feel better. I guess you can say she's verably abusive. It seems alot harder for me to take it in these days though. During that "one way" conversation, she said something to me that just... it was very hurtfull. I don't think I deserved to hear something like that. Especially from my own mother. I ended up going to bed around 8 pm. Usually, after a night sleep, I kind of let it go. This time, I can't seem to let it go as easily. You know when something happens, it just plays in your head over and over like a broken record? I've been able to brake the cycle from time to time but it always keeps coming back and gets me so angry. When I was on my way out to work, I said goodbye and what not and left. Earlier today she called and asked if I ate lunch (this is a daily routine) as if nothing happened. I didn't talk to her in all that much of a friendly voice for obvious reasons. Gave the phone to my dad as soon as I got the chance. *sigh* slept alot last night, but I'm still feeling so tired. I think I'll goto bed early tonight as well. I'm really happy to see you're feeling better. Or at least you seem so. Keep thinking about positive things. Keep reminding yourself that you're a good person. ^_^

Carry: I feel guilty for whining about my problems when the people in Asia are dealing with true devastation. My problems are real and important, but there are others out there who are suffering more than I can imagine. I have to get out of my head and think of what I can do to help others.

Carry: Last night I received a letter from my father. He thanked me for the loan of $200.00 and included a check in the same amount. I don't believe in coinsidences. Was the letter from my father God's way of saying I am not alone? Every day I think about you. You have made such an enormous impact in my life. Though you are dealing with your own demons you take the time to comfort and support me. Your words are supportive and inspirational. You have been gifted with grace and I thank God that I've met you. Love, Barbara

Hi Barbara, I'm so sorry you've been having such a hard time lately. All the questions you've asked... I don't think I can give you any answers that would bring peace to your mind. As for God.. Well, I'm sure you've heard this before. He has a specific plan for each and every one of us. Why He lets us go through painfull things? I want to believe it is done so that we may grow stronger and love Him more in the end. Being through all those things lead you here. To me, Kitn, Jasmine, etc.. And like you, I don't think I would've come this far without you and the other. I can't say how much sadness it brings to my heart to hear about your daughter. I can only imagine how you feel. It's not your fault though. Please keep remembering that. And I know you want to give up. Sometimes that just seems so much easier thing to do. But I know you know better. And I strongly believe you won't give up. Even with all the scars and wounds you have.. You want to be there for your family. Your children needs you. No matter how old they are. And I don't think you broke your promise. Why? Because you're still here. No matter what we do, we can't stop all the harms and dangers that lurk around our loved ones 24/7. And God forbids, if something does happen, the important thing is that we are there to give them our love and support. You are a good person Barbara. You still have alot to look forward to. We both do. Lets try to keep focusing on the positive things to come and not let the grip of past hold us in the darkness. I really hope you'll feel better.