born just thought of something. set some kind of goal every day. like this week, i decided to get up every day at the same time. and thats exactly what ive been doing. after doing for a week im going to give myself a gold star. you know one of those stickers. im also learning how to cook and bake. today i baked bread. it didnt turn out quite right but the next time it will. and do stuff, like housework, or walk around the block, or something. the other thing i do is i take books out of the library, that way i have something to do. i hope some of this is helpful. keep on posting, we care about you.

Thank you all very much, I never imagined I would get a response like this! I actually kind of felt that I had made some kind of mistake by posting my life all over this forum. I tend to be dismissive towards myself and my own feelings. My therapist would tell me that it was simply a matter of my having been bombarded constantly by those around me, telling me I was merely "pshycing myself out", so to speak, or that I was "imagining" it was as severe a problem as it felt. I should've kept up my visits with her, but it felt like whatever emotional help I was getting in her office, was countermined by the atmosphere I had to endure outside of her office. Even my own mother was to emberassed at times to accompany me on my visits, and although I was used to her being only concerned with me in terms of what she could (or couldn't) brag about, I still recall those visits as being tainted with a feeling of having somehow dissapointed my own mom. Not pleasent. I really appreciate your comments about the whole writing thing, although I have no real literary training at all. It probably shows in frequent misspells and such. I've been complamented on a few things over the years, the writing, the guitar (I've been playing for going on 15 years now), and my creativity. But I know how self-destructive I can be, and the fact that these days I can't even work up the motivation to simply enjoy the things that used to bring some sense of comfort, let alone the motivation to work through problems that would arise should I actually persue one of these things as a career. For instance: I'm very scatter-brained, and I suffer from a social anxiey that borders on the ludacris at times, two things that have kept any dream of a career in music at bay. All of those who've tried to build bands around me, and all those who've had the misfortune of being co-workers, have all apparently come away with a real disdain for me. I never do it right, I'm always late, I'm always tired, I never feel well...it's just one of those social situations I'm scared to death of reliving. THey always break-ties telling me of how "dissapointed they were in my performance" as an employee, or as a friend for that matter. Or that I "seemed to have so much more potential". Story of my life really. Not living up t

dear born, i too think you are a very good writer. when i was your age i felt very similar, but of course i didnt know it. it wasnt until i got help after my thirtieth birthday that slowly, with medication and help that things began to change for the better. honey, no one can do this alone. there is so much help and care out in the world. you can get the help that you need. there's this idea about emotional thought stopping. everytime you feel a negative thought, say stop! say it out loud. at first im sure it will feel strange but it is quite helpful. im going to pray for you born that you will get help thats helpful and that you will begin to feel better. take care, keep posting and god bless.

Born, Sending warm hugs to you. Darling, you are still so young and have much time to experience life in the working world. You are not "getting in the way" as you say it. It just isn't easy for others to really understand what depression is all about. Like many of us, you suffer from what sounds like low self esteem. Once you realize that you are worth a million dollars, then can you only feel it. At least you can still picture the dawn. I was at the point where I never wanted to wake up again, yet here I am. So that means you still have hope. Maybe getting the professional help is a push in the right direction. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that everything will be ok. Just keep posting and let your feelings explode on paper. It really can help to let everything out. hugs Kitty

borntoend, Don't put yourself down. There are physical reasons as well as psychological ones for the way you think and feel. Please see a doctor and if necessary, get the proper medication that can help you make a huge difference in your quality of life. It's similar to someone whose has diabetes or high blood pressure. You would seek and take medication for those conditions, wouldn't you? Treat this the same way and give yourself a fighting chance. Good luck to you.

Dear Born: Like many others on this site I too believed that life held no potential for me. I use to feel that nothing I did made a difference. I felt redundant. I have been dealing with depression most of my life. I am in a different type of therapy now and I have discovered a spark of hope. I have also made a friend on this site. She has taught me to look at myself through her eyes. She too suffers from depression but she's managed to hold on. We both are working very hard towards a future where we feel wanted. Honey, the pain your in is survivable. Your words brought me back to where I was before therapy and this site. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. It is very dim right now but I can see it. Talke to the people here. Find a therapist who can provide you with the emotional support you need. The world needs your beautiful words. We need the poetic beauty that your words inspire. We need you.

born, Please continue to seek professional help. Antares is right when she says you write very well. Have you ever tried you hand at poetry or short stories? If you are new to this site, welcome. Please know that our support specialists assist with coping with depression, and are not trained to deal with people that are having thoughts of self-harm. Post as often as you need. Let us know how you are doing. Angela __________________________________ The Depression Support Center Team

Dear Born (I'm not going to say to end) Sweetie, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way - everything you say reminds me of how I used to feel when I was in my late teens / early twenties. Please believe me that things are going to get better. I am now doing round three with depression, and its not fun, but if I look at my life now, I never would have believed how far I have come. I have very emotionally unsupportive parents, and the most important thing I've learnt in the last 10 years is that it doesn't matter what they think of me. IN LIFE, THE ONLY THING THAT THAT MATTERS IS WHAT YOU THINK OF YOURSELF. That's what you need to work on now. Please try to get professional help again - its never easy, but you just have to take one step at a time, one day at a time. Your message really impressed me with its eloquence - do you know that you are a very good writer? I get the feeling that its not you that's in the way - its that your depression is getting in the way of your potential. I'm willing to bet you have a lot of other "hidden" talents as well. Hang in there, and keep writing Antares

It's currently 3:54 in the a.m. where I'm at, and I'm posting on a board meant for those (I'm assuming), who've already sought help in person from a therapist or phsychiatrist. And yet, it really feels like the living end for me. I'm a 25 year old single male still living with my parents, and I haven't held a job in nearly 5 years. I'm single (of course), and those five years seem to have been nothing but a week and a day in passing. I've sought proffesional help in the past, and was told that I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety as a kind of snowball effect (the best I know how to describe it), resulting from my having gone my entire life, up to the age of 21 at that point, with untreated ADD. My school life...well, let's just say I settled for a GED. NO one in my small country town understood me, nor cared to understand, and prefered, and still prefer, to believe I was either lazy, extremely stupid, or possesed by an evil spirit or self-indulgent tendencies. This includes my own Mother, who says she understands every once in a while, and yet has always been quick to unleash verbal barrages that can cut into one's very soul. She means well, she's just dealing with her own mental issues I believe (although she herself would never admit to such a thing). My father has been open with his problems concerning his own depression for as long as I can remember, but unfortunately these problems have effected his relations with those around him through his (at times) blatent apathy, and tendencies towards self-indulgence and reclusiveness. It is because of the actions of my immediate family that I believe the hereditary connection in mental illness is very real. As I type this I can say that even though my imbalances have mostly wrecked any semblence of realtionship, romantic or otherwise, and has long ago rendered me a pothetic and worthless human being to this nation's work-force, I have, up to these last couple of months, found reasons to force myself to keep up appearences with my social connections outside of the home. Mostly I did these things to make my friends happy, I didn't want them thinking I was giving them some kind of "cold shoulder". But I've neglected those connections to the extent that I fear even those few that I have left are no long