Hi Barbara,
Thank you for lighting a candle for us and thinking of us. It's amazing how encouraging it is to know that someone out there, whom you've never met before cares that much for you.
I know what you mean about feeling "out of touch". I guess that's how I'm feeling as well. And maybe that's why I'm feeling so anxious and just plain bad. I hated going to bed and waking up in the mornings. For one, like you I couldn't sleep and all these memories and thoughts were shouting in my head. And once I finally fell asleep, it was time for me to wake up. Which is when reality hits me and I realize how miserible I am. I'm sleeping alot better now. I also goto the gym about 5-6 times a week. By the end of the day, my body and mind is just so tired, I've been falling asleep while talking to God.
I also know what you mean about family. They mean well... But sometimes... Like you said... They can be more of a burden then help. Most of my life, I've been living for my parents. I think I was about 8 or so when I decided, "if my parents die... I'm going to die with them..." Since I've gotten much older, that idea's being slowly changed. Oh so many issues... Everytime I get bad thoughts or remember something painfull, I recite the Lord's Prayer or anything verse to counter act it. But I feel the power fading as well. Maybe I need to memorize new verses.
One time I broke down and talked to my sister. Told her I don't know what to do and that I feel like I'm going to do something stupid. She said... "it takes alot of courage to harm oneself. You're not that couragous so I know you won't do anything to yourself so don't worry about that..." She's right. I'm too much of a coward to do anything to myself. And I'm so tired of living. I'm just waiting for God to take me. But till He calls for me. I have to try my best.
I'm sure we can work through this. For one reason or another, we're all here so that we can live. You guys will be in my prayers.