I can very much relate to your situation, although it had been awile ago. It does feel soooooo bad. I can still feel the pain. Even stronger, I can not even drive by the house I lived in at the time, because I feel so bad for the woman who lived there, she was not me. I was a student in Amsterdam when I moved to marry my husband, who lived in a very small community in California. Within a few months I was pregnant with twins and had to stay in bed most of my pregnancy. No friends yet, family in another country (and using the telephone was still very expensive those days) and a husband who was always working. I was very, very loney, I remember and very depressed. After the kids were born, I suffered a severe postnatal depression. I never went out of the house, I watched tv all day, but I rather wanted to sleep (which is not possible with two little girls to take care of). But anyway....maybe you can start by making small, very small steps that show yourself that you are taking care of you. That you care about you, eventhough it seems like nobody else is. You are hurting, so you know you deserve a better life. Treat yourself to that. For me, cheering myself on that I ate breakfast that morning was a very small step. But slowly it started to show me that I meant something to someone, namely me. Otherwise I would not eat at all. Just to give you an example of what I mean by little things. Everything you do to take care of yourself, even the basics, like taking a shower, changing the sheets of your bed (because you like the feel of fresh sheets, not because it is part of your household chores)and brushing your teeth is a sign that you value yourself. Soon the need to take care of yourself and the fact that you are worth much more than the life you are having now, will build enough confidence that you will take those exams. Taking those exams will give you a real prospect in a new country. Bob's advice of supportgroups is also a very good option, because people out there do care, but you have to show yourself first. When you are ready. Take care, I really feel for you. Hopefully, years from now you too can cry for the woman who lived in your house, since she will not be you anymore. Good luck.
