Hi Ladyblue. I hope you are having a better day today. I've already responded to your latest response, but I wanted to add something. Although my past is sorted and full of things I regret I can't say I understand what it must be like to have been physically abused. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I can't imagine the pain that must have caused. My heart goes out to you, and I believe God has a better life for you. Later maybe I can share a little bit about my past. Take care and remember you are not alone either.

Hi Lori, I also can relate to your father issue. My parents divorced when I was five. My father never bothered to get to know me (I was the youngest of three ... actually 4 ... I had a sister that died before I was born). My oldest sister tells me that our father was never the same after our sister died. We were all raised without love. My mother was selfish and distant. I never felt loved or wanted and (as my therapist says) never learned to connect to people. I never felt I mattered. That it would be so easy for my family to abandon me because I just didn't matter. I built a wall around me to protect myself from this fear ... my only connections were to my animals. I married very young (19) to my high school sweetheart. This was a terrible mistake, but I was looking for a "real home". My husband was an alcoholic and the marriage only added to my insecurities and fears. We had a son. I thought now, at least, I would have someone who would always love me ... my child. I finally came to my senses after 9 years of mental abuse, etc. and divorced my husband. My son and I had an okay relationship, but since I was not the greatest mother because I was mentally unfit (with what I now know to be depression). I also did not have a role model because my mother was certainly no example to follow. My son decided at 15 to go live with his father ... big mistake. My son is now 29 years old and I have no idea where he is. He is also an alcoholic and a pathological liar. I remarried in 1991 to a wonderful man who is kind, responsible, and understanding. Through the years he has helped me (but still we did not know I was clinically depressed), and we both tried to help my son. He only took advantage of us ... only wanted money and we could not believe anything he said. It has been heartbreaking. I finally had to say, no more. We want you in our lives, but we can no longer allow you to use us. I had to let go and let God take care of him. I pray for him every night, hoping that he will find his way back to me. This is also and issue I'm trying to deal with through my therapist. This is a constant sadness that will probably never go away, even with medication. Even with all this sadness, I know God loves me. In fact, there have been time

Hi Bea. Glad to hear from you. Thank you for your encouraging words. You may feel like you didn't say much, but it meant so much to me. Knowing what depression feels like makes me also able to understand how hard it is give any encouragement to others. To know you made that effort in your present condition tells me that you have a great heart. I believe that only God in heaven understands completely what we are going through and that we will be rewarded for that smile, word of encouragement, or hug we gave to someone when we were feeling so terrribly bad ourselves. Like the women in the Bible who gave only a penny, it was all she had. Jesus said she would be rewarded more than those who gave so much more. I've been a christian for 20 years and when I look back I can remember so many times when He has worked in my life. There have been many up times and breakthroughs, but I'm just confused and lost in my own world of disturbing thoughts today. I can't say I've ever truely excepted that God loves me as a Father does his child. It probably has something to do with the fact that my father doesn't love me. I think I'm getting off track with what I was going to say. I'm sorry if I've totally turned you off with talking about God. I guess I'm finding out that there is still some faith left in me. I really believe what I said about being rewarded, I just wish I could believe He can help me now. Back to your question about Cymbalta. I've been on it for about 3 months. I'm sure it has helped me to some degree. It would probably help me more if I would stop having those two glasses of wine a night. It's a habit I've had for about a year now. Also, I've had to switch doctors for insurance reasons and the new doctor started me on some different meds. along with Cymbalta. I got worse from those so I had to stop them. I back to just being on Cymbalta. If you've just started them I guess it takes a couple of weeks to feel any different, so hang in there. If this is the right medication for you it will definately help. Are you going to try toastmasters? I am pondering that idea. I use to know a very shy person who went there and it really changed her. Well, I better get to my kids before something happens I'll regret. I home school part time and today

Hi again Lori, I was wondering how long you have been taking Cymbalta. I hope you are feeling better tonight. Bea

Hi Lori, How are you feeling today? I know how bad it can get, but please don't give up. It is an unbearable feeling ... I know. You are not alone. If you need to chat about anything, please know we are here. Bea

Hi Lori, Thank you so much for your support. I am at home alone all day and it has been terrible. It was very difficult to even get off the sofa. Then, this past weekend I started to feel a little better ... the depression seemed to be easing off. I am far from where I want to be, but I do feel a little better. It has helped so much communicating with people like you and the others on this site ... knowing I am not alone with this illness. Bea

Hi Lori, You can ask me anything you want. If I can answer you, I will. I would say that I am a Christian because I do believe in the teachings and philosophy of Jesus. I have read the Bible extensively and found it to be both incredibly beautiful and confusing. I don't go to church as I have some issues with organized religion and how I feel it has twisted some of Christ's teachings to suit its own agendas. BUT, that's just my opinion. I talk to God all of the time. I pray. I cry. I shake my fist and ask "why". I think there is something there that hears me or maybe it would be better to say that I need to believe that God exists. I think it's OK to be mad at God. But where I differ from the traditional is my belief that it is not God who causes us to suffer. This is where I get really confounded. I need to see God as a loving presence and something that loves me could not intentionally want to cause me pain. Nor do I believe that I am being punished by God. (Although I must admit there are times when I lose that feeling and decide that God must just hate me or that I must be bad and that I deserve all of this torment.) As a mother, I would never intentionally hurt my son but yet, my own father hurt me over and over. But God, as a loving parent...would God really want to hurt us? So why is there poverty and illness and tidal waves and murder? Haven't quite figured that out yet. Maybe God created the universe, gave it a set of natural laws, guided its inception and then just stepped back. Maybe things just happen? I don't know or understand it. My therapist tells me that I just think too much. He's right. So I have a theory that those of us with mental illnesses are just more sensitive and insightful than the average person. Sounds good anyway! Maybe we're depressed because everything affects us just a bit more than it affects others? You can drive yourself crazy (no pun intended) trying to figure all this out. I think it just comes down to a choice. Faith is believing when there is no reason to believe. I think that's why they call it a "leap of faith". Maybe you should rethink staying away from church if that has been an important part of your life up to now. Sometimes just sitting in the quiet with an ope

Lori, My advice is to do exactly what you want to do--scream. It may sound stupid, but it does actually work. Go to some quite place in a remote park or something where no one will hear you or put on really lound music. Just make yourself do it. It may be hard to get it out, but once you throw all of your energy into it, it really is amazingly liberating. So just scream. Scream until there's nothing left to scream about. ~anna

Hi ladyblue. I was sorry to hear you had a sad ending to your date. It really stinks when your trying to have a good time and can't. I've learned to stop trying to do anything fun because I end up feeling worse that I couldn't enjoy it anyway. I have a few questions for you if that's okay. I will understand if you don't want to answer them. I was wondering if you have things in your past that you think may have contributed to what your dealing with now. Also, are you a christian? If you don't call yourself that what is your understanding about God? The reason I ask that is because I would like to talk with you about some feelings I'm really struggling with concerning Him. As a matter of fact, I told my family that I am on strike, so I'm not going to church for an undertimed time. I'm so tired of putting on a smile when I really want to bust out and cry like a baby to let everyone know I need help. I'm a shy person so instead of showing how I really feel I put on a front. I'm also very confused about why God doesn't help me more. His word says that He will give us peace and I know He is able. I must not be doing what I need to do, whatever that is. I'm tired of trying to figure it all out. Maybe this is my way of letting the people who know me that I'm not alright even though I act like it. I too have children but much younger. They are eleven, nine, and seven. If it weren't for them, I don't know how I'd make it. I have to keep up the front for them because I don't want them to have a mother like I did who didn't care if I saw all her weaknesses. I hope I'm not being too wordy. I have to go for now. I hope your day has some joyful moments. Take care, maybe the dark will get a little lighter for you today.

Hi Lori, I just went through something similar Friday night. My husband and I were out, everything was good. I spent some time talking to one of my best friends. Then I just started feeling so sad I could hardly bear it. I was crying so hard I couldn't speak, feeling so trapped and tormented. The pain was nearly unbearable. But it's Sunday and I'm still here. When you have kids, there is no easy answer. Even though my son is grown and in the Air Force stationed far away, sometimes he is still the only reason I hang on. We're very close you see and I know I can't leave him. I wish I had an answer for you, heck -- I wish I had an answer for myself! I don't know why we have to feel this way. I don't know why in a world where many people fight for every last breath, I am so anxious to give mine away. It's just the way it is I guess. For me, I have to believe that there is some reason for me being here. My therapist tells me that we just cannot ever know how our lives touch those around us or how our being here affects the world. We may never know. I want so much to believe him. So, like I said before, here's my hand. Let's walk through the dark together and maybe we will both step a little easier. Please don't give up.