I finished half of the courses I'm taking at summer school. Even though it's summer, I still feel suffocated. Every morning in the car on my way to school, my dad would yell at me on everything when he starts talking. Then at night my mom would tell me what a bad kid I am when I am trying to get some sleep. It happens daily and it really puts me down. When I am at summer school I'd just feel very low because of all the yelling and all, and the thought of running away comes to me often again. I am starting to feel really pressured again. I think about the upcoming year really often, and I feel suffocated while remembering how many plans I already have. And then, there is the SATs preparation and all the pressure coming from my parents. I kept on having nightmares recently. In every dream, I'd be very tense and scared. The last two days I dreamt mostly about my parents, about how they "abused" me and I had no where to turn, I dreamt about how the polices won't help me and I felt really helpless. Then I dreamt about how my mom went to school with me and she cried the second day she was there because kids treated her the way they treated me. I know what the dreams meant, and from the dreams I learned more about what I want. But I can't get what I want, I can't even get my parents to stop yelling let along seriously pay attention to listen to what I have to say... I am just lost again. I don't know what to do. I don't have any friends to talk to. My best friend doesn't even call me when I don't call her, my good friend never calls me either and feels lazy everytime I tell her to do so... I feel so alone in the world right now and I really want to enjoy my summer and relax, but I just can't bring myself to especially with about 2 months of summer school and volunteering, school work, and SAT preparation and just everything...

I really don't know what to say. Recently I got back onto my down track again and I just started to torture myself again. I tried to overwork myself, I tried to starve myself (I am eating less and less each day) and trying to be anorexic, I just lost pleasure in doing things I used to love (My mom let me go shop with my old friend but somehow I just don't feel like going; When I go online, I never sign on to instant messengers anymore, and even if I am online I don't talk to anyone; I stopped visiting my personal blog; I just stopped talking), also whenever I want to pour my feelings out in this forum, I just couldn't bring myself here to write. I really don't feel like writing at all right now and all I can say is that I am overwhelmed again by everything around me right now. I just wish someone can be here and talk to me.

Yesterday, I was practicing for the SATs. I took 2 sections and the results already scared my face ashen. I don't know how to describe my feelings but... they were very unpleasant. It's those feeling you get when you are guilty of something, and also astonishment. I felt desperate. SATs are almost my life. I need it to go to a good college; I need it for my parents to brag around; and I need more than anyone. I just couldn't believe it. I was listening to the radio at night and I realized something more about myself. I think I have anxiety disorder. I don't know if it's serious but I just can't stop thinking about school, my future, and my parents, and all these stress. Day to day, night to night. I just can't. Sometimes I just want to take some Riddlin or Aderal to force myself to focus and fix my problems, because I just have to admit to myself another problem of mine-- laziness. I try hard to push myself to study for the SATs, yet I just feel like I can't absorb any more of this and I wanted to use my summer vacation to have fun. But I can't have fun, if I have fun now I won't in my future. However, I just can't get myself to study for the SATs because that big thick book of practices daunts me. It really daunts me. I signed myself up for the SAT prep course this summer along with journalism, I am just praying that the SAT prep course will help me improve drastically. Bob: I don't want to colore my hair drastically, I just want to dye it dark brown (my natural hair color is black) with some light-medium brown highlights and then get a haircut from a barber (All my life, my mom cut my hair because she think it's not worth it to go to the barbers and I end up regretting it every time.). I really want a new look to make me feel better about myself.

trysohard millions of people would quickly step into your shoes. congratulations on achieving such excellent grades. You are of course off on another battle with your parents. To me this one seems somewhat silly and contrived. It seems you seek out problems and confrontation. you have to take some responsibility for your depression and unhappiness. If you don't like who you are then you have to change. If you can't see a counsellor, you could read about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. That may asist you in thinking through your problems. What colour would you dye your hair? bob

Appearance matters a lot to teenagers like me especially nowdays. Personally, I've wanted to change the way I look through coloring my hair for a long time, though every time I mention it to my parents they would yell at me and tell me it's a "sin". Yesterday, I had the urge again and so I decided to have a reasonable debate with my mom. As you all know, my parents are very traditional people. I started my argument by telling her at her friends' gatherings, how all the girls had their hair colored and yet they still got accepted into presitigious colleges, and how my talented friends in my old school (whose parents are friends with mine also) also had their hair colored and still remained as academic leaders. I know what you are thinking, you probably think I am really spoiled and really vain and I shouldn't even have written this. But if you remember what school was like, you would know that it's a complete social jungle and that no matter how hard you try to deny it, your appearance is the main factor that determines how you stand. And personally, I just really like to have a new look and with a new look I will be able to have more confidence and feel good about myself. That's exactly what I told my mom, but it's almost like she didn't even want to listen. She couldn't rebut me, all she kept on saying is that it's a bad influence, a bad tradition. I tried to open up to her and tell her about how schools work, but she just plugged her ears and shut me out. I was surprised, really surprised. I couldn't understand. I mean, why would she shut me out like that? I was OPENING UP to her, like she always wanted! Now I understand, parents just want me to tell them what they WANT to hear, not the cruel reality I live in. I cried really hard that night, for my failure to convince my parents, and for discovering something new. I kept on telling myself that they've done enough, they let me buy brand name clothing, they let me get my ears pierced (I had to pursuade them for 2 years and I finally got them on my 14th birthday), and they gave my braces. I know I've probably asked too much but somehow I just couldn't get over it. My parents has really lost their credibility this time, and I know it was the right thing to do to shut them out from my mind. I

hi i am sorry to hear you are feeling so down about yourself. i think you should talk to a counsellor or therapist. you have taken a positive step in seeking out this site. take the next step and get some help. your glass is like 90% full, but you are focusing on the 10% of empty. your story emphasizes the cliche: "the joy is in the journey not in achieving the destination". you have completed school, but you still don't feel good. forgive your parents for their attitudes and their "brainwashing" of you. forgive yourself for whatever you think you are guilty of. forgive your classmates for ignoring you. ease up a bit on your drive to success. look for ways to focus on others, not the most popular or powerful in your school, but the more ordinary or less popular people. look for ways to be kind. look for ways to compliment them. do this not for any sort of benefit to yourself, but because it makes them feel good. don't push it too much. be sincere. you don't have to volunteer for anything. if you are good and kind, this sort of effort will begin to pay dividends for you. don't keep score, just enjoy it. bob

Today is my first day on summer vacation, yet I don't feel relieved at all. We took our last final yesterday and I feel like I totally bombed the test. I just felt like crying during the entire time I was taking it. When we had only 5 minutes left, I had about 20 questions left and I couldn't even think over my answers and I just circled whatever sounded right. I mean, I was ecstatic when I got my progress report from physics, it was a 95% and it meant I can get 78 on the final and still keep an A-. But after my final, I just didn't know what to think anymore... I found out my math final grade, it was just enough to put me down at a B+. I will go find out my physics and english grade tomorrow and I am extremely nervous. My dad tells me it's ok to have two Bs this semester. I might've agreed with him few years back, but I don't anymore. Not only I don't concur with him on that statement, I don't believe he meant it either. He is, afterall, my dad, the traditional asian parent, the man who taught me to think the way I do now. You see, I looked forward to this break for so long, so desperately. I planned to go have fun with my old friends. Yet now, when I am actually in this long-anticipated vacation, I just can't feel more down. Yesterday, I was flipping through our yearbooks. Looking at all the pictures taken from social events, tear started to well up in my eyes. Everyone, everyone's been to at least one of the dances, except for me. Everytime when people ask me if I was going, I would make up excuses. Even though people tell me my parents WILL let me go to the prom, I know I probably won't. I don't have a dress, it costs too much for me to go, and I wanted so desperately to blame everything on my parents but I can't. My mom told me that if I really wanted to go to one of the dances she will let me. It's not my parents fault that I don't go to dances as I slowly start to realize. It's my own really. It's my own fear of the environment there. I mean really, there isn't a point for me to go to the social events, no point for me to go alone, without a date, and without friends. In the shower, I thought about a lot of things. I realized that I have practically nothing. I have no friends, with a so called best friend who never calls. No

trysohard just keep writing. you are so cool. i think its great that you are looking back and focusing on all you old feelings. deal with whatever weighs on your mind, until its no longer a problem. for me the stuff you write is so interesting. it is so different from everyone else and i mean that in a very positive way. I have exposure to foreign students and culture and so its good for me to understand them better. you carry a heavy burden imposed by your parents. i can see its difficult to establish your own identity. I wish you well. i know you are very bright and talented. you are indeed very successful. you merely have to celebrate your successes more, rather than focusing on your failures. take care...hang in there. keep writing. you have a talent for expressing yourself. bob

TrySoHard, We are all here for you. Please do not feel like no one cares. If we didn't there wouldn't be such a site for you to lean on. You are doing great!!! Sometimes it is really tough being a teenager. As Casey has advised you, please see your doctor, talk to your mom. It really is a good help to talk to someone, your family doctor can help you. Take Care, Melanie ______________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

Today, I started to yell and cry over the smallest thing again, I've just been overly aggressive these days and I don't know what to do. After I was finished with being out of control, I just felt really weak. I was at a pet store today, when I was petting some bunnies, I started to think about my own (it passed away after I had it for a week, I was about 10 years old). I was fine till my parents started to talk about owning pets. My mom just started to talk about my old bunny and how we cared for it and all. All that just lead to my memory where it died. I mean, the scene is still realy lucid in my brain, and especially remember how I ran back into my room and started crying. I was scared of its remain, yet I wanted to do something, anything... My mom forced me to still go to my keyboard lessons that day, and all I remember was that she threw my bunny and its cage into the dumpster... Remembering it, it just seemed so cruel to me. I mean, I didn't even know if my bunny was a girl or a boy, and I started to have so much regrets. If i treated it differently, gave it a bigger cage, maybe it wouldn't have died. Then I started to think again, I really want another pet, yet I don't because I don't want to endure it again when they pass away. I felt so lonely, then I started to think how I am an only child, and that maybe being lonely almost my whole life contributes to my emotional state today. I mean, I think owning a pet would make it much better, but my parents don't allow me to have one. I know I sound really childish right now but... Well, then my parents started to talk about a family party today, and I really didn't feel like going because I was all worn out and I've just been through enough today. I told them how I didn't want to go and my parents just started to tell me that I lack in social abilities. I was furious (it's so easy for me to get furious these days), so I admitted to them, I told them maybe I do have social disabilities. Then my dad started to yell at me in the elevator and he told me how he brought me to USA so I can succeed and how I won't make anything out of myself in my native country and that whole lecture again. I am sorry, I am treating this like my own diary but I really want at least someone to know, someone who