Hi, last week, I found out that I didn't get on Varsity Roster for cheerleading, I mean, at first I didn't really care but then I started to feel upset as I realized what happened more clearly. Then, in my French class, I am facing risks of not getting an A+ in that class. When I was looking at my grades, at first I wasn't too upset about it, I was just really trying to mess with classmates' minds. But then, as I acted more upset I BECAME upset, and I had a hard time controlling my tears. I thought I was almost healed, but then I realized I am having a lot of mood swings recently and I can't really control my mood. Just now, I had an argument with my mom, over the smallest things. I get really upset, I cry, I try to hurt myself and I shout. It was crazy. I can't believe that this is me... I feel sort of suffocated. School is going to be over by next week, yet I have to take summer school (I signed myself up) till July 22nd. And I also made myself to volunteer days where I am not at summer school. It's like I suddenly realized how much work it'll be, but I have no choice but to finish what I assigned myself.

Wow Trisha - what a star you are! TrySoHard - I agree with Trisha that the depression probably started when you were bullied. Bullying often has a devastating effect on the victim and it can take a lot to build up what has been hammered down. Even though you may have had help at the time from some quarters, it's hard not to feel you deserved it somehow. You didn't deserve it and never did - bullies are weak people who pick on other people when the bully isn't prepared to bear the weight of his/her own unhappiness. it is often the case that if you have been bullied you start displaying the same tactics the bully used - this is just your distress and feelings of helplessness showing. and sometimes you've got to speak their 'language' to get heard! i'm so sorry you didn't get the support that you deserve to confirm to you that it wasn't your fault - no way was it your fault and no way did you deserve it. Bullies often pick on people they are jealous of and threatened by and they can be unbelievably cruel because they know where to hit to hurt the most. YOu were not weak to have been bullied - the bullies were weak, not you. Bullying threatens to destroy your sense of self (that's what the bully wants) and if it happens when your sense of self is being developed - when you are young -it can be particularly destructive. It is hard to know who you are - which now you're a teenager is a common theme anyway! We are all sensitive to being accepted by our peers and this is very strong during the teen years when we are acutely aware of how we fit into things. yes you are articulate and you are lovely (you might not know this at the moment but it is clear to us though!) and one day your experiences will be of great benefit to the world, even though that might not be apparent to you now. Bella x

Dear Try So Hard, My heart goes out to you when I read your letters. I feel your frustration,anger and helplessness. I think you must know that you are indeed suffering from depression. Your wish to punish yourself and others is in fact a familiar symptom to me. The problem is it is your very thinking that is making you miserable. It is so colored by your mood disorder that all you can do is go around in circles. Believe me, I've been there. It is called obsessing because it never ends. I urge you to go to an emergency room and ask to see a psychiatrist....that is if you don't want to ask your mother to take you to one. You are suffering from an illness like arthritis or diabetes or the measles. With just a little medication you would feel so much better and able to come up with a solution. I bet you would even see your popularity rise in school because you would begin to like yourself again. You have mentioned the bullying you suffered a few years back. I bet that is when your depression began. One major episode of my depression began when I wasn't asked to join a sorority I wanted to be in. We all have different levels of what we need in our bodies to bounce back from disappointment and stress. You just need a little boost for awhile. This isn't even necessarily something you will need all your life. Trust us,stop thinking for yourself because your thinking isn't really rational due to your mood disorder. You sound like a great young woman who would give much to the medical profession. Don't blow it for the common cold of mental illness which is what depression is! Trisha

Trysohard you are one aticulate ventor. I must say you paint an itriquing picture of your life. I wish you well. I can't think of much new feedback for you...if something pops into my head...i will write. you will undoubtedly become a great success, if you don't break down first...and even then you'll probably bounce back. just a comment on your relationships. if they don't work out, it might be because your attitude and behaviour is not appropriate for your environment. think about what you are doing wrong. keep writing...i think you write very well and you write some interesting stuff. you certainly add to the diversity of this site take care bob

bob: The whole student government and class officer election IS a popularity thing, I can't argue with that. People don't elect the ones who only wants it because it looks good on their resume and you are right, but no one thinks that's the sole reason why I was running because I keep a facade really well in school. Everyone sees me as a... class clown almost, I joke a lot, yet I still make the straight A's list... Well, it doesn't matter now. You know, I ask myself a lot too, how long will I be able to keep doing this? I probably can't take this much stress and I know it perfectly well, yet I still push myself. Like I said before, subliminally, I am just starting to torment myself. I mean, I don't really want to keep pushing myself, but I feel like I have to, and I have no choice not to, and then this other part of me just want to punish myself for everything and punish others... And I've forgotten the reason why I am even doing this. And I know that a lot of people didn't do well in high school, yet they became successful anyways, and I know that success in the future is what really counts. Yet I still can't ignore how I am doing in high school, and what College I get into, because my parents, relatives, their friends have been telling me ALL MY LIFE about how important these things are, and they are watching me, closely on every decision I make, every single success of mine, and every single failure. You see, in my world and my surroundings, being a good person is not enough, getting good grades, getting into a good college then Med. School and then becoming a doctor or successful business person will MAKE ME a good person. I know that a lot of you don't think this way, but I am used to it my whole life, it's impossible for me to change my mind now. I really don't want to talk to a counselor, first of all, I don't have time to since I literally spend 10 hours in school working non-stop, including my lunch period. Second, the counselor have a really good impression of me (at least she acts like it), and she knows that I am under some stress and she's in doubt by looking at all the classes I am taking, and all the extracurricular activities I am doing. I really don't want to break that impression, so far, my grades shows that I am handling e

Hello TrySoHard - i'm so glad you came back! i was wondering where you were. it sounds like you are depressed TrySoHard as you have all the reactions and thoughts that come with being depressed. i'm sorry your classmates were so horrible to you - it seems that people pick up somehow that we are suffering and scared and that it matters to us a lot, and they are mean. i don't know why this is - it seems to be a cruel aspect of human nature. it's a kind of bullying. if you can concentrate on looking after yourself - little things like making sure you sleep enough, get even just a bit of exercise (even if it's walking), taking regular breaks in your studying just to walk around for 10 minutes, make a drink, read a magazine. try to eat some nutritious food even if you're not eating a lot - if you eat rubbish because you've lost your appetite and crave sweet things instead this can really make your mood plummet and it also plays havoc with being able to concentrate! please tell your mom how you're feeling and some of the things that are happening to you. i know it hurts a lot to feel shut out from your friends and ignored - it doesn't matter what age you are this feels bad. you're not very well at the moment and perhaps you can only cope with people who are very close like your m+d. be kind to yourself - it isn't your fault you aren't well and is a natural reaction to a lot of stress and expectation. i agree with what Bob said - the school counsellors know more than you think and you won't be the first person to come through their doors feeling like you do. school counsellors are there exactly because the school recognises that students are under so much pressure. please call a helpline to talk about the suicidal/self-harm fantasies you're having. i wish you well with your final exams - only two weeks away and i'm sending you all good things. Bella x please keep in touch

trysohard i think the reason you do not get elected to student government is because you are thinking too much about what it can do for you, not what you can do for the school. your fellow students may be sensing that you are self centred. perhaps you should change the way you look at life. B's may be almost as good as A's, but require a great deal less work and cause much less stress. Perhaps you look for too much perfection in yourself. You seem very stressed but don't appear to feel any joy in life. How many years do you think you can carry on in this mode? Your studies will become more difficult and competitive. Live for yourself. You may be depressed, but it seems to me that if you merely made a few adjustments in setting priorities and perhaps looked at things a little differently , you could be very successful. I graduated from high school with a C+ average and eventually graduated from an ivy league university. perhaps you should be talking to a crisis counsellor about your suicidal thoughts. don't fool with that stuff. At least have a chat with your school counsellors...they know much more than you think. i am terribly confused as to why you are so obsessed with symbols of success. you seeem to have tremendous talent and drive in many areas. i can't imagine that you would not be successful in life. You merely have to mellow out and not be so obsessed with a couple of percentage points. read some of the comments from the people who replied to you earlier and consider implementing some of their advice. at times when i was a student i became overly wired up about success, and it really hurt me. I am certain if i had led a more balanced life that I would have been much more successful and much happier. i wish you well bob

Hi, it's been several days, things changed a little and only by a little. Yet when there is the tiniest consolation, something else bad destroys it again. The good thing is, we got our last unit test from Math, and I got a 96% not yet counting the bonus, so now I am on the borderline of getting an A for the semester again, I need about a 92% on my math final... and that's pretty challenging, and about the samething goes for physics. The bad thing is, I didn't get elected for student government this year. Not only that, but no one seemed to even care about me, about how I just might feel. It's like I am not even there. I see people consoling one of my friend about it, but NO ONE said a word to me... They just... looked through me. In the morning today, everyone in the class were in a circle chatting. I wanted to get involved and so I asked them who they were talking about, first a guy said to me with a sort of nice tone: "Don't worry about it." Then as I listened to more of their conversation (since they were right next to me), I got really intrigued and asked them again, this time, this girl just practically yelled at me "YOU DON'T KNOW HIM!" she said, "YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW!"... I was really hurt, I mean, turned out I did know that person, and everyone just assumed that I don't know him. I mean, if someone else asked, they would at least said who it was... but this... I felt so left out, I just wanted to cry... I am under considerable amount of stress recently, again, the finals, they are everything to me, since my physics and math grade are on the borderline, my finals determines everything. Then there is the cheerleading tryout for next year, there are more people than usual and about 20 people aren't going to make the cut. And then I have a math presentation for next week which I haven't really looked at since my partners don't really seem to notice my existence. I don't know if I can call everything that I've been through (including what I said in previous posts) depression, but it certainly effects me, a lot. I don't know what to do, I mean, part of me just want to give up on everything, part of me just don't want to care anymore. Yet there is another part of me that tries to motivate myself and I keep on telling myself that there'

My goodness. You put so much pressure on yourself. It's no wonder you feel depressed. You are involved in so many things and you are trying so hard to excel at them all. You must feel very alone- you don't seem to get any support from your parents or from fellow students. Is there a guidance counsellor at your school that you could talk to, or, failing that, a teacher you feel comfortable with. Perhaps they could help you to set some priorities and help you with the many feelings you are having. I know you probably won't believe this, but your worth as a person comes from who you are, not what you do. Try to be a little easier on yourself and focus on whichever goal is most important to you. Good luck !

and i'm sure us oldies all know many people who went to college and are very wealthy but very unhappy and unfulfilled people whose family life is abysmal quality. a recent survey found that the 'happiness' level of the very poor and very rich is hardly any different, with the v poor only slightly lower. that makes you think! i understand the cultural pressures you are under TrySoHard and how you have been groomed for this and the expectations on you are fierce (from without as well as from within?). the picture you paint of fabulously wealthy and successful v down-and-out and a disgrace is a black-and-white picture: there are many grades in between these two extremes. the price to pay for the former is usually extremely high and quality of life is often a casualty. some people pull it off though. it is possible to not aim quite so high and get the best of both - a very comfortable, even enviable, wealth but a quality life with it. you are bright and ambitious - i am ambitious too so i am not 'down' on ambition at all, just hate to see you suffering like this, especially when you are so young. i hope sharing on here has been a help - it often helps to just get it out and you've had a lot of caring responses (kindness is so soothing i find!). in the UK we have phonelines you can call and perhaps you have that there too? that way you can be anonymous and it's amazing how your perspective gets into balance when you've just splurged it all out to someone who is there to listen. perhaps that along with this could help if you don't feel you can talk to anyone in your community/school. in the meantime TrySoHard, please do just one of the teenage things that is your right at your age - go to one movie, hang out with a group of friends just for an hour or two, go shopping and buy little inane things. my daughter guards her time-out with a vengeance because she knows it's vital to keep her sane when she's under so much pressure. when she comes home i can see the benefit in her face and also her body, like she's had a wash and is fresh, ready to tackle her studies again. Bella