yes i thought you might recognise this (or 'hoped' you might anyway!). i know that at the beginning of my abusive r'ship i 'knew' too that he was an abuser, or that something was very wrong. but i talked myself out of it... and his f*cking my head up day after day hour after hour did it's work. i honestly thought by the end that if he said the sky was green i would have to think about it and i'd get very confused. :quest: yes this sums it up (you used this in your post). abusers send you into such a spin. if you have been with him even for just a short time you will already be confused. perhaps by thinking about these things, starting to recognise that he might be an abuser, sends you into a terrible spin because it is directly opposing what he's been telling you/brainwashing you. have your friends dropped away? does he not like your friends or family? is he very critical of your friends/family, pointing out stuff that is 'true'.. then you think 'why didn't i see that before? he's so right and i'm so dumb to have not seen that!'. he will remind you of how 'dumb' you are in countless ways. i used to think that he was like a car mechanic and he gradually took my engine apart piece by piece. i was a total wreck when i left him - and i mean a TOTAL wreck. your b/f has made it abundantly clear that you are no more than sh*t on his shoes and because you stay and keep arguing with him he knows he's got you. your weakness is that you are frightened of having a relapse but this may not happen at all - last time you were left and this time you would leave? however, your fear is what is binding you to him and you've got to face that fear and know that to be destroyed in an abusive r'ship is not the answer. you can argue with him until you are blue in the face - he will NEVER admit what he is doing, that he is wrong (about anything) or give you the love you deserve sweetheart. you slowly starve to death in a r'ship like this :( i don't live in the US so don't know what is available for you there. a book that was a catalyst for leaving my abusive husband was 'Men who hate women, and women who love them' (by Susan Forward? i can't remember sorry) and there is a lot of literature out there about this. also, please call some domestic

OMG Bella! After the first big argument I had with him I started thinking he might be abusive. Then I read a book about abused women and their abusers, I did an online test about whether he's an abuser or not (he got about hmm... 40/60 positive answers that indicate abuse). Recently though I guess I started doubting it again because he'd say I'm "crazy" to even consider this. Some of the other things he does: he has NEVER hugged me or comforted me when I'm crying or sad! I cry pretty often and when I ask him to hug me he'd sometimes do it as a joke which hurts me even more! He also blames me for my depression and yells at me about it. He accuses me of things he's doing to me and I'm NOT doing to him. He tells me he's wiser and smarter and knows A LOT more than me because he's 7 yrs older than me! In no way can I convice him experience doesn't equal knowledge and vice versa. He pretty much makes a joke out of ANY argument I have and says I'm stupid and immature after ANY argument and that he should give up and find someone more intelligent/mature for a mother of his kids. And btw it looks like ALL of his world revolves around his kid and kids/mothers. I think he's obsessed! Oh, and he also tells me I'm "selfish" if I say ANYTHING about ANY need or want I have. When I asked him if he's going to mistreat me for the sake of his kid once he said "yes". So anytime I remind him of it he says I'm completely selfish for saying anything about my needs! But he'd NEVER do anything I ask him to, never has done ANY favor for me... he didn't even take me to my sis' b-day a few days ago because he was "tired" and "had the right to sleep" and I'm "selfish" for asking him... so as soon as he started yelling about this I had to stop talking to him on the phone. :quest: I feel so lost now...:(

oh dear! i'm sorry to say this Angelic but this man is an abuser. i would be very circumspect also about the picture he paints of his child's mother. it is classic that he was wonderful to begin with but, possibly when he knew you were committed to him in some way, his behaviour changed and he was no longer the nice guy you fell for. this type of person also have an uncanny ability to sense when someone is vulnerable. you say you are very afraid to leave him because you fear a repeat of the severe episode of depression you experienced after your last break. not only will he 'know' this (either actually or he senses it) but you are sure to end up in a very bad way if you stay with him. this is because the abuse escalates, first in tiny increments but as your self-worth is chipped away, in major chunks. i would run from him as fast as you can. that said, i understand the fear of regressing and also these relationships are often addictive. the abuse convinces you (either subtly or obviously) that you won't survive without them and they are very happy to collude with that because their aim is to control you. you may be aware of ways he has undermined you and sometimes it's so subtle you think you're imagining it and being silly. if you discuss it he will deride you and your feelings. the plaintive cry of abusers is that everyone is horrible to them and they've had a rough deal in life - most often from ex-partners. they subtly 'train' you to not do what their ex did adn because you love them or are kind you don't want to hurt them so you limit your behaviour. you end up limiting your behaviour so much that there's nothing of you left. i'm so sorry to paint such a bleak picture and i wish i didn't know so much about this to the point that it is quite clear a mile away when i see evidence of an abusive/controlling r'ship. i am unequivocal in what i am saying and i appreciate this may be hard to hear and you may think i'm being judgemental and couldn't possibly know for sure. i know that these r'ships destroy you and what you have described is clear evidence that this is the route this man is on. please get as much information as you can about controlling/abusive r'ships and also domestic abuse - it is recognised that you don't have to

Angelic perhaps you should think about what you need to be happy and how you will maintain happiness for the next sixty or seventy years. perhaps you should get as much therapy as is available to you. perhaps you should have some long chats and group sessions with people at a local womens centre, a clergyman, a college counsellor etc. i think you have a lot of stuff to deal with, perhaps in your background, other than just depression. you sound very bright. there is a light at the end of the tunnel....let it be blue skies, not a fast moving train. bob

I was depressed for many years of my life, but just a little bit and I could handle it. September 2004 my boyfriend of almost three years left me for no apparent reason. I thought I'm going to spend my life with him, start a family, etc. He was my everything really... The break-up was the trigger for a major depressive episode for me and a suicide attempt. A couple of months after that I started dating other men. I started going to therapy and taking effexor and I felt a lot better. For some time I even felt as if I'm not really depressed. January I started dating the guy I'm dating now. He seemed like a very sweet, caring open-minded person. I though he's right for me. But now I figured that he's the opposite of what he pretended to be then. Every time I try to discuss some important issue he gets very angry and starts calling me names and yelling at me. His ideas about relationships and the roles of women/men are completely different from mine. He believes the only role women must have is to be mothers, otherwise it's like they're useless, he thinks. While I want to be a mother one day, I also have plans of becoming a doctor. He doesn't think a woman should ever work though... really, nothing but take care of the kids! Also, he has a 8 yr old kid from a woman that tried to "trap" him when they were teenagers and I'm childless (I'm only 21 after all, plus I'd never have kids before getting married). Those who've been in this position know how painful that can be. It is for me. And he said my needs, my wants, my feelings will never be as important to him as his kid's. He also constantly talks to me about his ex, and I don't think he's really over her and that hurts me a lot too. But I really am better than her in every way: I don't "trap" men like that, she doesn't have an education, she's self-centered, looks like she's engaging in PAS(Parental Alienation Syndrome) since she black-mouths him and doesn't let the kid call him "dad" or anything, and she even tried to run away with his kid and told him he'll "never see the kid again" and so on. But he has more respect for her than me still! (And BTW I have nothing to do with their break-up, she left him while pregnant, after which he attempted suicide and became an alchoholic but he's not drinking anymore n