Thanks, Bob... The last few days I've spent in denial that I can't handle this myself. I just get so tired of these episodes of depression...just like everyone else, I know. Is it so foolish to want to have some length of time in which these demons of sadness and despair leave me alone?? Chickadee

Chickadee thanks for writing. we need lots of activity on this site. i sort of babble away on this computer...i think i'm a fairly fast typist so i'm sure lots of the time my brain doesn't know what my fingers are putting onto the screen. Since I've gotten on to this site, my depression has significantly decreased. Maybe its a coincidence...maybe its a placebo thing...maybe its God...just kidding. I have read some Cognitive Therapy stuff also. I have looked at my situation through a new set of glasses, so to speak. I accept my problems, my limitations, my failures. I forgive myself. I celebrate my successes, large or small. I look for ways to be gracious and gernerous to other people, generally in relatively small sincere doses. Actually if you type enough positive stuff on this site, you begin to believe the stuff. you sort of brainwash yourself. I also belong to a toastmaster group whose mandate is to be supporting and positive towards all the members...i have learned a great deal about people there. I have a number of ups and downs, but i find exercise, both mental and physical which help me when i am down. In closing I encourage you to write often..whether negative or positive....write about how you think and how you feel. take care bob

Melanie, thank you for the welcome! I did take the Depression test...it only confirmed what I knew. But I did print it to give to my therapist. I've only been back in therapy for a few weeks so I think this will help him to help me. Some of the questions made me think really hard, and it was tough to be so honest. Denial kind of slipped away... Now I will "roam" the site trying to get familiar with what's correct for me to do (the Buddies, etc.) But I at least got started. Strange, though, that taking that first step has left me wanting to cry. I do have one heck of a survivor's ability to hang tough, though. Chickadee

Chickadee, You have come to the right place! Please feel free to roam the site at your own pace. If you look to the left of the screen under "TOOLS" you will find our Depression Test. This test is not a diagnostic tool and is not a replacement or substitute for a physician's advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. When you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your doctor. If you have any question or concerns with our site or please contact Support Department at support@depressioncenter.net. We are open to any questions or concerns you may have. Looking forward to hearing from you soon! Melanie ________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

Hello everyone... This is my first visit here. I really like what I've read so far, and wish to become more involved. And that's a huge first step for me to take--as it is for anyone else struggling with depression and all that goes along with it. Sometimes it's hard just to get out of bed, shower, or even eat. And I've "been there, done that" before. I didn't think it would hit me again and so much harder this time. I thought I was doing all the right things in trying to take care of myself. RATS! Just when you think you can handle it... Chickadee

trysohard you have all the rules figured out. I think you have done a great job with that. Now you have to set new standards and measure yourself against that, not against the standards that you think others have set. you have to try to detach yourself emotionally from all opinions of your family. respect them, listen to them, but don't react emotionally. well gotta go, I'll writes some more later bob

Bob: I am not simply depressed because of how hard I try in school. I am depressed because of almost everything that's happening in my life. It's complicated. Here are a list of reasons why I feel the way I do: A. Parents 1. Pressure coming from my parents. My parents gave up just about everything to come here, work at a presitigious university just so I can get in with free tuition. They EXPECT me to get into the college, and they kept on telling me about it. Like I've said before, I am just the what they put on stake for the biggest gamble in their lives. 2. They don't seem to care about anything else that's happening in my life. As you might've read in the other post, they don't understand my other-than-academic-related- life, nor do they want to understand. They keep on feeding me with what they think (that what I tell them is B.S., that I shouldn't care about anything other than school work..etc.) when I tell them again and again that I am the one who experience and know everything that happens in school, not them. Even though they tell me to tell them about things that happen in school, you know, why bother? They really don't care anyways, they only believe in their own opinions anyways. Thus, I am realy alienated from my parents and I never really tell them anything except my grades. Though I do appreciate how they gave me things I needed to survive, I don't think they are being too good of parents. The reason why I don't argue with them much is because I know that I owe them, and that I really, am obligated to do what they want me to do... Although I just want to cry everything I think about that. B. Social Life 1. Best friend. I've had this best friend ever since I came to US. She's a grade higher than me, and I am proud to have her as my best friend, though a lot of times I really doubt that she care about me. When I first came, she made fun of me for quiet some time. Then slowly, we became best friends (after I gave her hints telling her I was popular). But she doesn't admit to her friends that we are best friends because she thinks it's embarassing. Although I think of her as my best friend, she never told me anything personal about herself while I kept her in the lie that I am sti

trysohard you seem to derive pleasure from your misery...so you have turned the tables on yourself. After having been on this site and reading about CBT I can also analize myself with regards to where my head and emotions are. I can even prescribe my own therapy. i also know that if its a fight with my wife for example that I'll take about 24 hours to recover. At the moment i am too busy to be depressed. i am surprised that you get depressed having to work so hard at school and activities. when i was depressed at school i didn't do much work and certainly didn't achieve A's. Congratulations on achieving such outstanding grades while suffering. well i have to run now to contribute as a valuable member of my family and society. take care and all the best...hope to read some more penetrating analysis from you. you write such interesting material. bob

Yes, no matter how blown away you might be from whatever, you still do find even the infinitesimal pleasure or happiness in your life, just that currently in my case, I don't glue them to my memory like many of you here. So it appears to me all I have left is misery and even if I recollect my joyful memories, I'll try to push them away and convince myself that misery is all I've got.

trysohard you are certainly an interesting complex peice of work. you continue to surprise me with your postings. and I must say I enjoy reading them. i have to look at myself. perhaps I behave a certain way because I want to be depressed....pretty complex stuff...don't know if my mind can wrap itself around that concept at the moment. do you ever find moments of pleasure and happiness in your life? bob