what now...you are a great person. you really are. you and kendy are both awesome people. you both have been there for me and i appreciate it. i am doing ok now. i guess its always and up and down thing. for all of us. im not great but im ok. i realized something yesterday for the first time. i am mentally ill. i am. and that makes me feel different and uncomfortable. but does it define me? or should it? i wonder. that is what i am pondering as of late. me being mentally ill cant be all there is to me. i guess that is what i am tring to deal with. but i just wanted to let you know i am ok. thank you for caring. you too kendy. i hope you both are well. i am here for both of you....always. hugs
I was glad to see your post. Hang in there. There is hope. Don't ever forget that. You will feel better-it just takes a little time. Let me know how you are doing. It really matters to me.
Hi Batty,
I only have a minute but I wanted to check in. We have to hang on. We can't let this illness win. That's what my doctor says. He says I'm smarter than my disease and I need to get good and mad and fight, not harder but differently. Now if I could just figure out what that means! :)
thanks to both of you. you both always respond. i havent been around here the past few days. usually i am posting up a storm and replying. i like to help people and offer support. im not one to ask for help. i hate to be weak. not that i feel anyone else is weak, i just perceive myself that way. i guess none of us truly understands this illness. why the ups and downs. i guess it is chemical. maybe we dont, or i dont have control over it. im just trying to hang on and let it pass. i keep saying it will. it alway does right? i just feel so blue and i feel of no use to anyone even both of you. im a grown woman i should have it all in check. and i dont. the smallest mistake it brings me to a place so deep and dark that i am surrounded by fear. and the realization that although we all offer kind words to each other we all have to do it alone. no one can make us feel better. im trying to take a deep breath and go on. its just that things can get so closed in and there is no room and you feel all you have is right now, this very moment. and you cant react all you can do is feel and hurt. am i making sense? im rambling. i just wanted to post so you both knew i wasnt hurting myself. im just having a hard time. i am here for you both. i hope you know that. i do care very much. thank you both. hugs
Yeh, Batty. It's me. I want you to hold on and get help. Don't suffer. Go to the nearest place that can help you. There are people that know exactly what to do to help you with your pain. It will pass but you don't have to do it alone. I want you to reply so I know how you are doing. I know that there is peace for you;it just is not there today. Hang on-don't give up. This coming from the biggest "What do I do" person on this site-ha! Think of you child and that you want to get better. You can do it. I know you can.
Hey Batty,
While crying at work is probably not a good idea, crying in general is not a failure, it's a release. A place I often have a good cry is in the shower. I imagine the water washing away my tears. Sometimes I cry until I'm exhausted, until I can't feel anything.
I wish there were something I could say but having been through the same experience I know that there isn't. There's nothing to do but white-knuckle it. You remember a few weeks ago I was right where you are. I didn't think I could hang on and you encouraged me not to give up. It was one of the longest bad spells I've ever had. I came so close to the edge. But eventually it eased up and while right now I don't feel great, at least it's bearable.
I'm thinking about you.
Kendy
today i am feeling really really bad. i am feeling very unworthy of life and i am on the verge of tears right here at work right now. i want to run and hide but i cant, i have no place to go. i feel like all the walls are closing in on me. i feel like a failure and i really dont want to be here anymore. i am reaching out right now and just dont know where to turn. i wont, i refuse to go to the hospitol. i cant afford it for one. i am afraid. i hate this life and i hate myself more. i am weak and i hate it. i dont know if i can hang on much more to this pain. why wont it ease it. i hurt so bad these past few days. i feel so very alone. there is no one to talk to. i cant talk to family they dont understand. i pushed all my friends away, i dont want them around. no boyfriend. no nothing. i cant cry. i wont do it. if i cry then i fail. i lose. even tho i already am a loser. im a waste of time. i have to go.
