Congrats on playing netball. Which position do you play? I hope that you continue to go out and play netball and do many other wonderful things.
Today in therapy it was more of the same. We talked about me having my tubes tied and not being able to have anymore children. It seems that I have alot of grieving to do. In therapy I try and control all my emotions, like biting my lip so I won't cry. To me this symbolizes weakness. Even though my therapist says it means your are strong that you can show your emotion and I not there yet. I know when I am trying not to cry my chest hurts and I am scared of going back to when I was crying 24/7. I am finding therapy scary and the last 2 times it has made me feel worse and I don't really want to go. I am also putting a lot of pressure on myself in regards to returning to work. I have told work I would like to come back in January on a part-time basis but I can't get on public transport yet. I was going to try this week but I just can't do it.
Take care and good luck with your netball.
Sharon
Hi Saron how did you get on at therapy?I hope all is well.Boy do i have some good news I played Netball last night 2 games of indoor for the first time in 5 months i was driving there and almost talked myself out of going but i knew the girls would just come get me and drag me there anyway so i went and i was extremely nervous but i did it!!!Im a tad on the sore side today though.Couldnt wait to share that news with you.I hope your days are getting better too.Gabbi.
Gabbi,
It sounds like your husband might be understanding more now. Maybe he fears go to therapy of what might come out and he is probably scared.
Today I went for a 3 hour walk. I too play netball and I am hoping to getting back to playing in January. We have the Canadian Nationals in May so I would like be able to go to that and hopefully to the World Championships in 2007. I have yet to go on public transport, but I thought I would later this week. I have my therapy session tomorrow and I will see what comes of that.
Take care - Sharon
Hi Sharon im glad you enjoyed yourself it always feels good to get out of the house clothes and get dolled up for a night.I know what you mean about watching what you say i get really nervous when im around people fearful that i'll say or do the wrong thing and upset someone.You must be pretty fit to walk for 2 hours you'd have to scrape me up off the pavement if i walked for that long i am so unfit now that im too scared to play any sport i used to play netball 3 nights a week and 2 of those nights i would play 2 or 3 games of indoor. Now im too scared to play cause 1.theres lots of people there. and 2.I might have a panic and make a fool of myself.
My husband wrote me a 3 page letter saying how sorry he is about everything so hes agreed to go to marriage counselling i just have to make an appointment so im hoping life is going to get a little easier now.He tried to cuddle me last night but i find myself pushing him away cause he has said and done alot of things that have hurt me and i cant just pretend that ive forgiven him so hopefully a counsellor will be able to help us.If not i will not hesitate to leave.
Good luck with the public transport you can do it i have faith in you.Gabbi.
Gabbi,
My night was fine. It felt good to get dressed up, do my ahir and put on some makeup. I didn't say to much or get involved in any conversations and I was so self counsious of what I say. I also went for a 2 hour walk yesterday as well. This week I am going to try and go on the public transport (either bus or train) and see what happens.
How was your weekend? How has your husband been treating you?
Keep your chin up,
Sharon
Sharon its good to hear your having a good day :)How is your family?I hope they are well also.
I am going to have a look at a couple of houses on Monday hopefully one which is quite close to my sons school will be just what i need.I tried to talk with my mother on thursday night about my relationship problems but she dosnt want to hear about them she just keeps dismissing what im telling her.My parents love my husband to bits and of course they only ever see his nice side so they just think im making stuff up im sure i feel so trapped my husband keeps telling me i wouldnt have half the things i have if it wasnt for him and i couldnt raise the kids properly on my own(even though my psychologist says im a single mother as it is) i feel like im starting to believe im as worthless as what he says could i really raise my children by myself?I would rather be single and happy then to stay in this unhappy marriage but im so scared i will fail and everyone will say i told you you couldnt do it.
I hope you have a fabulous night out you will look stunning make sure you let me know how it goes.Have fun :)Gabbi.
Thanks Gabbi. Today I feel better. I do go outside every day and can even go fruit and vegetable shopping by myself. I like to do that because I can go and buy myself a really nice fancy coffee. I am currently on session 8 and filling out the experiment form, which I have found very useful. I am trying to focus on the few positives in my life right now. It is hard to not focus on the negative.
Has is been a week since you gave your husband the ultimatum? Have you found a house yet? I don't think staying where you are makes your feel good about yourself. How are your kids doing? It must be hard having for kids. I think you should move into a new house, even if it is really small as you and your kids would be better off. One way to look at it is to think about what you are going through in therapy to do with your childhood and you don't want your kids to have to go through the same thing.
Tomorrow I am going to a family dinner with the whole family there (12 people). I went out and bought a $100 little black dress for the occasion. I will be the only person dressed up but I can't wait to do my hair, put on make-up and wear something different than my track pants.
Take care - Sharon
Sharon although it may not feel like it at the moment you will get back on top of your depression and anxiety im sure of that.Take each day as it comes and try to get outside for a bit if you can i have been making myself do a bit of gardening each day i think the fresh air does me some good even though id rather be curled up in bed.
I have had some issues similar to to those you have said about your childhood come out in therapy just recently also and its strange that all these years later it can still affect me the way that it does.My parents split up when i was in 8th grade and one day my mum had taken us 3 kids somewhere i cant recall where but on the way home we were driving on a road that was on a mountainside and she said 'it would be easier if i just drive off this cliff wouldnt it' and that is something that for whatever reason i cant 'get over' my dad was going somewhere one night and us kids were giving him a kiss goodbye i was jumping up and down and when he leaned over to kiss me i headbutted him he kicked my legs out from under me and i got a huge bruise on my thigh and my mum said i deserved it.How do you 'get over' those sorts of things?Id love to be able to let go of them i know my parents did the best that they could and i love them to bits but some things i suppose you just cant put past you.My therapist says alot of what im dealing with now is because of my childhood and i would have to agree.
My husband was very abusive to me last night and today i feel so worthless and down on myself like maybe what he was saying is true and im not a very good person.Maybe i just dont deserve to be happy as long as i can keep everyone else happy that should be enough for me shouldnt it?Sorry enough of my pathetic life i hope tomorrow is a better day for you.Make sure you eat too cause that wont help you any by not eating listen to me i should talk :(Why does life have to be so hard Sharon.Take care.Gabbi.
Gabbi,
Thanks for your words, it really does help to know that someone is there for me and who understands what I am going through. In my therapy session issues came up that happened when I was 10. My parents were arguing and I would get out of bed and tell them to stop. They would stop at that moment but would start again the next night. My siblings had already left home so I tought it was my fault and this is why I never express my feelings or opinions and I want so desperately for people to like me and to have no conflict. I have kept this inside for 22 years and I feel like such a loser for it. I feel so useless and afraid of what else might be raised in therapy. After having my best day on Tuesday I have crashed down and it is hard to pick myself back up. My depression has ovetaken me again. I am not eating and I just want to crawl in a hole.
Thanks for your support
Sharon
Sharon please dont apologise i understand how your feeling i sometimes have horrid dreams like that too its very hard to get back to sleep afterwards cause they seem so real at the time.Why did you feel that way after therapy today?Sometimes its hard to talk about some things but the therapist is there to help guide you through his tough time you are not a loser in any such way.Tomorrow is another day as josie said already do something thats relaxing for you to unwind and calm yourself down let me know how you are.Gabbi.
