Hi Josie, I am still feeling alot better despite a really bad week with my son, so i am feeling it is because I am both seeing a counsellor and taking tablets now. I don't seem to be able to think so deeply - occasionally it hits me at night and I don't sleep, worry about everything but mostly I just don't seem to worry as much. This is helping. I know i am still in a fragile place as i still feel my confidence is very low and I had suicidal thoughts last week(just once). I also was visualising being at my son's funeral(very scary typing this as now I feel i have said it it might happen!) I know I am just preparing myself in case the worsed thing happens but it doesn't really work that way because in my visualisation I was detached and could cope yet my body gave in when i was worried about him last week so i do not have that degree of control. I sound potty don't I? Anyway - better - getting there. More in control. Thanks - still use the programme. Moth

moth, Thank you for posting again. We, as a support group are not here to judge and realize a bad day when we see it. Take your time and let us know how you are feeling. Try using the Depression program and see that those belly laughs can come more and more! We are always here, Keep Strong, Josie ____________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team.

Hello again, I read back my last post and I guess it sounded very negative - I didn't sound like a likeable or genuine person. I tend to be a bit like that - it's a defence mechanism against all your kind posts showing concern about my not posting. I therefore minimise how bad i am feeling and push people away. Also at the time of the post i was feeling very low and hardly functioning - like a machine - get up - go to work - try not to feel too bad - feel overwhelmed by the workload and unable to find a place to start - so get little done of any value - when with people feel bad - come home - exhausted - fall asleep or crave alcohol and fall asleep - no sex for two months - don't want sex - partner trying to understand but feeling rejected - worry about son - feel bad about my role as a mother, a sister, a daughter. Wanting to stop the world and get off - needing time to recuperate but unable to allow myself to stop working. CVMarksman, you were right I think I was shutting down. I was just getting worse and I could feel it happening which was making me feel out of control. I couldn't post anything to other people or about myself really. Feeling isolated in real life and online. Davey you hit the nail on the head when you said that you give yourself too many "coulda shoulda wouldas" and compared yourself unfavourably with others of a similar age. I have started couselling and the counsellor said that I appear to be very harsh with myself. This is something that people notice about me quite often. My expectations of myself are too high. I have started taking the medication I have been prescribed and the doctor has just increased the dose - about 2 weeks now. So please if my last post increased anyone's fear of side effects I am sorry - i was not really thinking clearly and my anxiety was out of control. Prunella, hope you are feeling ok - what you posted about your mother saying those things to you made me so angry for you! I hope that you are getting many positive messages to help you to drown out that voice these days. I will remember you when i start to tell myself bad things about myself - we all need to forgive ourselves and be kind to ourselves don't we. That is the key. Hard for those of us who have had people directly or indirect

Hi, Thanks to those people who have posted encouraging comments to me. I am visiting today as I have come home from work and couldn't stop crying. I still have not taken my anti-depressants. Just went into the kitchen and decided to take one and start dealing with these reoccuring bouts of anxiety/depression but then i read the side effects and changed my mind. Prunella, thank you for your post. I guess that's the key to fighting it - knowing that it will pass because it has before. Although it's true that when you are at the lowest place it is so frightening and does feel like it will never end. I know I am lucky as I am only mindly depressed and most of the time I function quite well. With me it is the anxiety and the low self esteem that affect me more - it is only maybe once every couple of months that the depression can be debilitating or I get suicidal thoughts. Mostly I just get by feeling flat and constantly stressed and anxious. I find it hard to post sometimes because i feel I do not know who I am anymore - i have lost my confidence again and constantly analyse other's reactions to me. I said this morning that I just don't want to be me anymore. i am scared of the future and wracked with guilt about the past - the present is survived through in a state of high anxiety and self doubt. Anyway. Tomorrow i know I will feel better than today - it's a hard week this week as I have to do something I find very difficult to do and am very anxious about it. The temptation is not to do it. However I tend not to avoid things to do with work even though I hate them. Today is only the second time in 10 years i have come home from work feining illness because I felt that I could not hack it emotionally. I was off work for two weeks or more once when i was at my lowest.But rarely allow myself the opportunity to rest even id i cry in the car on the way to work and on the way home and lock myself in the loo ti cry during the day. No-one notices. Anyway.Thanks agin. I know I have to start believing in myself and not hating myself. I also know that I must take the meds. I will go and take one now. never mind the side effects! Moth

Moth, I see you have not been posting recently, you should, it will help. I had a strange childhood as well, my mother was biploar (manic depressive back in the day) and I really have few memories of her as a child that weren't frightening, she repeatedly attempted suicide or had moods that were really unstable. She would say the most horrible things, and I live with those words every day, and at 42 feel at times I'll never escape them. I thought when she died (we were unreconciled) "I'm safe now" but really it's a wound that stays, when I was trying to adopt a child, I knew the assumptions about how childhood effects us how parenting affects us, and it's all back again, I can hear her telling me "you are bad" "you are a miserable *****", "no one will ever love someone like you". And when push came to shove, I snapped, and ended up hospitalized myself, I sometimes feel like I'll never escape that, but sometimes I get away and it's all cool. I know this will pass, but while I'm in it, it is like the end of the world. Please post again,

I can really feel where you're coming from, Moth. I can't help but beat myself up for so many little things, every day. There are some major things too...most people my age are done or almost done college or university, meanwhile I've failed out of both. I keep telling myself that once I get a job I will be working my way back up, but..at the same time I can't help but think of the people I left at school, especially university, even to the point of continuous dreams about said people. Then, that leaks into the day and I start off feeling "coulda-woulda-shoulda", evolving into frustration and self-loathing. It's all a matter of looking past the little stuff, according to those around me. But they can't understand how uncontrollable these negative impulses can be!

Hi Moth: You mentioned a couple of times that you are having a hard time posting any more comments - why? It worries me when I see people say things like that because it seems like the person is shutting down, and that's no good! I know several others have already said it, but you have no reason at all to feel unworthy or weak just because there are others that are struggling with bigger issues. Its not like you're some ignorant snob that is "stressed out" because you didn't get your morning latte! Whether or not your feelings of insecurity are derived from actual events in your life (i.e. childhood abuse, spousal abuse, etc) or just your own state of mind, you are still in the position of having to deal with unwanted thoughts about yourself and your life. I am a prime example of this; I have no real reason to be depressed. I came from a very stable family - parents still married and still in love, and brothers that would jump on a plane and come over to help me if I asked. I am healthy, not bad looking, well spoken and generally accepted into any social situation I put myself in. I am not struggling financially have a nice home..a nice car..so what the hell is my problem right? Like others have said, alot of it has to do with my expectations in life and on myself. They are high, and I often experience the dissapointment in others and myself when my expectations are not met. I do some volunteer work and occasionally see another side of life that makes me appreciate my own much more, but the effect is temporary and I slip back into depression all the same. I wish I had the answer as to why some people are depressed, even though they have no concrete reason to be, but I can tell you that your condition is not unusual and that you should not feel the way you do about yourself. It takes a big person to even admit that there are things in their life that are out of control that they need help with - so don't shut down - you've taken the first step to making a difference in your condition. Keep reaching out to others.

Moth, you need to realize that if you compare yourself to others and arent happy with YOU, there is a problem. And there are HUNDREDS like you out there. You need to be happy with you. I know this because I am working on this myself- and believe me, its no easy trip!! I try to wake up every morning lay in bed, smile and say its going to be a good day. I also took up yoga to help me with my breathing so If I compare myself to someone else, instead of getting anxious and upset, I take a DEEP breath and say, Sarah your gorgeous, and hold your head up high so everyone can see you. The more you think that moth the more others are going to look at you and say wow, she's got something about her- and that will be your self confidence. So give it a try and good luck!

Moth, Just checking in and wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you. Hope you're doing OK. Kelly

Thank you for replying fogged. I appreciate what you have said. I am finding it hard to post things right now but I am sure I'll be around posting again soon. Moth