Hi cheers, Welcome to the site. It is great to be able to share your feelings and experiences of depression with members who truly understand what it is like to have these feelings. Please don't be discouraged with the work of the program here. Take it slow and work through at your own pace. Many here have had great success with this. Take care, Casey ___________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

Hi, I'm new here and read this thread. I'm glad I did, because now I know I'm not alone. I hear you and know exactly how you feel. I dont sleep either, unless I'm loaded up on drugs. What they are, depends on how bad I'm feeling. They get me to sleep, but as soon as I wake up, the dread sets in. The feelings of how to cope with the day, the desire to just take more drugs and sleep forever, but knowing I have responsibilites I have to take care of but have no energy or will to do. Its hard to get through the days. I dont want to do anything, and I feel like something horrible is going to happen and that I wont be able to deal with it. Just this impending doom hanging over my head all day. I dont want to see anyone or do anything. I look for any kinds of distraction, however temporary. TV, schoolwork, video games. Anything that requires total attention away from what my mind really wants to think about...those compulsive thoughts I cant get away from. I've been in and out of hospital and care facilites, been on all kinds of different meds. It feels hopeless as I cant seem to get any to work for me. Occasionally, I'm on some kind of high, where I am happy, energetic and very social. It doesnt last, and soon the dread and guilt comes back. I feel life is passing me by and that makes me feel so much worse...that I cant get it together!!! I'm 34, and this has been going on for almost 30 years. Everytime I get a bad 'attack' it gets worse. This one has been going on for almost 2 years with no end in sight. I dont know if this site will help, but I'm hoping it will...although it seems too much energy to try. Too much energy to fight this anymore.

hey Sum_guy..I am right there with you. I was having a few good months (2) then BOOM...the bottom dropped out again. This is so frustrating! I left work early today because I felt the tension build inside and the depresion grab hold of me stronger. I didn't go to the hospital, though there are times where I think if I just check in for a little while, maybe I can get things under some sort of control. This thought scares the heck out of me. My partner is getting tired of my feeling this way. He seems to forget that there isn't always a reason for my feeling sad or down...it just happens and unfortunately, there isn't much I have been able to do to get out of it. I pretty much come home, straighten up whatever I feel I have the energy to (if amy at all) then take a nap. The sad thing is how much life is passing me by. Thinking of this sends me into a deeper stage of depression. Sorry...I ramble at times...Just wanted you to know that I read your post and heard every word of it. I hope we all find some kind of peace. It is definitely needed!

Sum_guy, Do you have a crisis line that you can phone day or night to help you through these times? Remember that people around the world use this site so there is no time zone. Take care and pleasant dreams, Sharon

Sum_guy, Just as a side note, you make want to take this opportunity to copy, save and print your posts here. This may help you along your way in this journey. Keep the posts and create a journal/diary. Take Care, Melanie ___________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

I know I have this illness, I know it's got a good grip on me again. I've gone through it numerous times, and I never seem to learn how to stay where I need to be so that it doesn't keep taking over. The big problem right now is I don't sleep correctly, I sleep broken up, I get to sleep ok, but can't stay down for more than 2 or 3 hours at a time. I wake up with thoughts racing about what could have been, why am I where I am, over and over. It's 4:10 am now, this is my second or third time awake since 11:30 pm. I can't stand this, I was told to take an ambien, I do and wake up anyway, then the thoughts go somewhat manic, like now. Another night I'll just try a benadryl allergy to help knock me out and keep my stifling sinuses open, same thing happens again night after night. I can't shut my mind off, it has taken over, it snaps awake whenever it wants. I go over numbers, problems, past relationships, even things that happened 25 years ago in High School. I can't stop the thought processes. I don't even want to remember the past let alone mentally analyze it to death. The few people who know me in real life say they think I'm brilliant, and as flattering as that should be I find it disturbing because I can't even commit a single act of a normal nights sleep. I envy people who are able to blissfully go through there days and nights not giving a damn, or being completely unaware of the problems that will smack them in the face when they wake up everyday. I see these people in my minds eye not even caring about there problems, they seem to go through life with so little effort. Do they have self protection mechanisms that have taught them to lie to themselves so well that they can believe everything is fine with them? I am in agony on the inside all the time. I am hoping that expressing myself in the written form here will help me as much as someone else, maybe we come to realize that there is another poor soul out there as bad off as the next or worse. I know your out there too, I know your hurting as bad as I am, I know your a prisoner of your own mind like me. I know your looking at the ceiling, or paid infomercials on tv, or the city lights, or pictures of people you've loved and it's 4 am for what seems like the thousandth time. I have appointments with psych