mel,
welcome to the site. i'm sorry things aren't going well for you right now. "kicking" the mood isn't always as easy as it sounds, although a positive attitude that it can be done is a good start. if it was that easy none of us would be here. i know that meds are a scary thing, but i have been on meds for over 8 years now, and have never felt like a zombie, so it is possible. i don't ever want to go back to where i was 8 years ago, and if i have to take medication every day to stay away from that i will. it isn't any different than someone who has to take insullin for diabetes. so, as long as you find a doctor who is able to regulate your meds it's ok. please don't think about doing anything to yourself. i know it can be a thought for many of us at times, but there are people out there who would want you to stay around.
keep me updated on how you're doing. we are an accepting and helpful group! :)
kelly