Hi Rayne, CVM & Kelly,
Thanks for replying and sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I tried replying once before and typed this really long post, then poof it was gone. I hit the wrong key and everything I wrote was deleted. I thought maybe I wrote too much so probably I should condense it. At the time emotions were running very high and I had so much to say inside, but probably it was too much. I don't won't the focus to be on me, because I care about what happens to all of you and I feel selfish for just concentrating on my problems. But that might be part of what depression is all about, self absorption. I don't want to be that type of person, but I do want to share what not to do in times of crisis as I have first hand experience of how devastating it can be to the person who is in crisis and the rest of those who care about the person. It is not easy to admit it, but some of my strengths can also turn out to be my very weaknesses. I try to be in control most of time and strong for everyone, which is a good trait, but then when times are tough, or when life is spinning out of control either in work or family life, I've already established to everyone that everything is so perfect, so how can I ask for help or tell someone that I am in pain or my marriage is not what it appears to be? This is when the crisis becomes unmanageable and I tend to do desperate things as my coping skills become twisted and totally irrational. Does this make sense? I have so much to learn and I hope I am a quick learner because the alternative is unbearable. They say in order to change one has to be willing to go through some pain, well I am willing to do anything to feel normal again and be a good mother to my son and be able to go back to work again, which will be pretty soon. I don't know if this helps anyone, but it helps me to be able to express myself, maybe one day I can feel these changes within and be able to apply them automatically. I wish all of you happiness and inner peace and gratitude for supporting me during this difficult time in my life.