Hi,
I'm really not a little boy, but I am blue. I was blue when I was a little boy though too. I had two dads, figuratively speaking, the real one I adored and admired and the drunk one I feared and hated and didn't understand. My mom was my rock.
But then as I went through my teens and twenties I became extremely addicted to alcohol and drugs myself. I felt so guilty for letting down my mom. My life was so empty. I couldn't face life without drugs.
At age 28 I got clean and sober, and 15 years later I am still drug and alcohol free and successful, but the better things get the worse I feel. I always had something to work toward. I always thought, after this or that happens, I'll be happy. Well, now I fear it's as good as it gets, and I'm still not happy. I truly have been blessed. My life is good. I couldn't hope for anything more. But I have no joy, no hope, no excitement, no passion. Oh god, I just can't wait till the weekend or vacation, and then I'm even more miserable because I can't decide what to do. I can't bring myself to do the things I need to do, and there's nothing I desire to do instead. I don't answer the phone. I don't want to see anybody.
I finally broke down and decided to try medication. Four months now, and I don't feel any better, perhaps even worse. Paxil made me "nice" but I was a zombie. Zoloft didn't seem to have any effect other than sexual side effects. I'm on Effexor now, but I can't tell if it's doing anything for me. I decided to try drugs for at least six months.
My wife doesn't understand, and I feel bad for her. I'm not the solid husband she deserves.
Sometimes I think about killing myself, but I wouldn't want to hurt my family like that. Also there's that stuff I've heard about suicide souls going to hell, and the only thing I know for sure is that no one knows anything for sure.
I'm glad I found this site. Maybe the support group and online CBT will help me. I hope so....
