Hi. I'm 23 years old. I don't know where to start or what to say... I have felt depressed nearly half my life but I have never publicised it and just kept it to myself. It all started when I was molested at 12 by a family relative. After that my life has never been the same; and the things became worse when my parents found out and told me 'You must have imagined it.' I was a smart, intelligent, social girl with lots of ambition and confidence and many friends. When I look at my younger siblings I imagine what I could have been if it hadn't happened.
But somehow I managed to get by, maybe because a little part of that girl I was; was still there - telling me to not give up. I managed to go to university but it came to a halt when I couldn't pass the second year and repeated my exams with no hope. I ended up quitting. I guess being molested again at 17, by the same man and feeling relieved for almost a second that it wasn't 'made up' as my parents suggested didn't help. So I had to start all over again from scratch far away from this man and a country I once loved. I felt I was winning, for about 3 years, I felt I was back on track, I was struggling yes but moving on. Not doing what I once could do - yes, but I was even satisfied with achieving well below my potential! Anything that helped me move on was good.
I am now in the second year of another university degree - and I have started having the symptoms of depression again. Only this time I am not scared or lonely but I was for a while after a colleague that I had come to know quite well died suddenly 3 months ago. This time I don't know why I can't do things, why I don't care and why I can't sleep at night. Is it all coming back? I know it was never gone but I have decided that I am not going to fall into this dark world again. I am going to see my doctor and discuss all these matters with her, but I just feel embarrassed and I don't know what to say and where to start... I am about to fail this year and I don't know what to do, I feel so helpless thinking that this time I don't think I can help myself anymore..
