Prunella, It sounds like you are trying hard to be strong. Hope it is still working for you on the better days. Your volunteering sounds challenging. Hope you had a good visit with your friend - you are right it will take some time to re-establish trust with him i think. How is it going? I'm sorry I have not replied to posts of yours before now. I have talked abit about why on my thread so won't go into it here. Just want to make contact with you now and tell you how much i admire your strength and courage. Have you managed to get your resume updated? What kind of job do you think you will be looking for? I am in the Uk so don't have to worry about paying for health services(just medications and counselling) but feel so bad for you who do. Along with all the worry about your health you then have to pay to get the services/medication you need to get better/manage. Why do you say you may be best staying in Amsterdam? Is that a possibility? How long will you be staying in the summer? Are you managing the weekends any better? Are there any activities available to fill the time? Could you schedule any pleasant activities as suggested in the program? Sorry for all the questions Prunella! Hope you are feeling stronger everyday. Moth

Well, still downish, today at least, the rest of the week has been pretty good, engaged in activities, got out of the house. Today, my car had to go back to the shop, after I had it there yesterdayfor routiene maintenence. So I can really get as far as I can bike and in FL today its around 90 degrees F. So I'm waiting for the car, waiting for the sun to go down a little. I'm not going to attend my club activity, I just don't want to feel so out of sorts around my friend. When he came by the house last week, it was great, we talked, sat outside, but I don't seem able to handle being around other people with him yet. Maybe it will take more time than I thought to feel comfortable around someone who had me committed. I am going to try this week to get my resmue updated and get more focused on finding a job. I can manage for a little while longer, but in a few months, it will be tough. I am afraid of touching any of my savings...and to keep health insurance is $430/month plus meds and dr visits which is roughly another $150. Any invites to Canada are accepted, and I have been asked to go to Amsterdam with some friends this summer, I'd do beter staying there...health wise. I am feeling better, and as though I have gotten to a plateau. But I check my mood tracker, and I'm fine most of the week,l until having to see my friend and then the weekends. Weekends have always been hard, at first I think it was the idea of all that unstructured time. But with the tracker, I really see the up & down pattern. I'll say this much, this program is helping me to gain a greater awareness of this disease. Therapy has helped me to identify triggers, how to move myself through the down times. So I am pretty happy about that. I am trying to get myself involved in activities, I will start volunteering at a local Habitat for Humanity thrift shop tomorrow. Today I recieved notice that the same org. has accepted me to go to Mississippi to work on rebuilding homes destroyed by Katrina. I've survived a number of hurricanes now, and its awful. Melon Collie, Just hold tight to your son, he will be the greatest motivator for you, even when he's a little stinkpot, I wish Jon was here every day. I swear I can hear him in my dreams, laughing telling me he loves me

i feel the same way. i got over a long bout of depression, met who i thought was a great guy, moved to be near him, got a great job. well, i had his baby, and then i found out he was married and had 4 other kids. im back at home and i dont have a job, i feel like a complete and utter failure. my son is so wonderful and i dont feel like i deserve him. my mom hates me, her disdain and disapproval are evident. my old therapist wont see me because i owe like 2,000 from the last round of therapy. i am so lost.

Hi prunella, Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences here. Sounds like you are going through an extremely rough time right now. You have the right idea though - continue to take advantage of the tools available to help you get through this. Take care, we look forward to hearing from you again soon, Casey ____________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

I have had a couple of rough days. I am having thoughts of worthlessness, and feeling lost and incapable of functioning. I have been trying to get out, socialize (I am an instinctive isolator), I've gone back to the Y and am working out 1-2 hours a day, and for once I'm not feeling like eating myself into oblivion. I just slip for a second, and it turns into a day of crippling self doubt. I had done so well, held things barely together, sold my (late) father's home, was on track to adopt a beautiful 5 year old boy, had a job I had wanted for so long doing court related advocacy for kids in foster care, met someone I felt a strong connection to. It all seemed so possible, that I could make it, have a real life. Then pressure and stress got to me, I quit the job, for stupid reasons, petty things, no job, no adoption, and it spiraled to the point where the man I met had to have me committed, and now I'm just in a hole, I keep trying to get out. I can't stand to be around my friend, I'm just terrified that this will happen again, we have had at least 1 very ugly argument and now I am just scared by him, that he knows I'm crazy, I'm so vulneralble. I saw him last night for a reading discussion group we are in, and I had a panic attack, I don't think he knew, but did nothing. I feel so ****ty, bad, inadequate, I want to hide, crawl back into a closet where there is no light, no sound, nothing. I just don't know how to stop this, all this never ending litany of self bashing. I am in week 2 of the depression program, and trying to see patterns, one I see is that I need to stop my friendship, but that feels wrong, I've never had anyone (m or f) who has stood by me like this. But I also know I/we have not processed this committal incident, and I feel so humiliated and ashamed. I am having all this weird jealousy about him, and I feel like all I'm doing is losing people, things, everything. I see mothers with children, and I feel like such a failure, such a letdown to the child I loved. That I would have ruined his life too with depression, would have ruined his life. I feel like such a failure and so worthless.