Hi Rowan (my daughter is named Rowan, too :))
I'm not sure if you are still around, as your post was nearly 6 months ago, but it resonated for me.
First of all, wow! It made me feel good just to read about your achievement -- how you were able to stand up to your anxiety and push your way through to do something that was really important to you is wonderful and full of courage. I just posted a success story and am in that "top of the world" frame of mind. I'm also waging an internal battle with my critic who is trying to do the yeah-buts to me, so thank you for reminding me in your second post that I need to address that.
When I'm feeling good, I usually push any negative thoughts away so that they don't interfere with my mood of the moment, but I'm learning that by not dealing with them, I'm just allowing them to accumulate until they burst upon my at a moment when I'm vulnerable. Sleep is a vulnerable time for me and it's common that the day after a really good day is a really bad one because my negative thoughts flow freely through my dreams.
If I'd done what you did, my critic would have been niggling me all night, analysing every detail of the event and magnifying everything I'd done wrong until, by morning, I'd have convinced myself that it was the worst decision I'd ever made in my life, that I'd embarrassed myself and my dear friends terribly and that my only options going forward were to phone my friends and apologize abjectly or just never see them again so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain of the embarrassment! It is horrible how cruel we can be to ourselves.
I'm learning that I need to address the negative thoughts as they come, rather than push them away, and that it's much easier to counter my negativity when I'm feeling good about myself. It's also easier said than done, but I'm trying.
Thanks again
Janice
