Hi LilahRose, Thanks for sharing this here with us, you are right - journaling is a wonderful coping technique! Unfortunately, as we are an anonymous website, the link to your blog site had to be removed. For anyone who wishes to share personal info or other websites, you may wish to do so via the instant messaging feature here as opposed to posting this in the discussion forums where we are bound by privacy legislation. Casey ______________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

Thank you for your encouraging posts. I'm not sure about others here, but I have just recently started Blogging my thoughts, feelings, etc., and at times this can be helpful. I guess it's kinda like having an online journal, and for a computer geek like me, it's the most preferable method. Just a thought, anyway..........

Hi LilahRose That you're feeling like a ghastly mother is a strong indicator that you aren't one. Your life does sound overwhelming, though, and you deserve a huge amount of credit for just getting our of bed each morning, let alone for starting up in this program! Raising children takes enormous energy and patience and it's definitely not a bad thing for you to want time and space for yourself. My ex and I split up when my girls were 4 and 6, and there were times when I thought I would go mad if I didn't get away from them. They are 11 and 13 now, and it's only within the past couple of years that I've been able to have a complete thought when they are around me. Your husband just left you a few months ago -- as well as dealing with the emotional turmoil of how he treated you, you must also be in a panic about how you are going to be able to support your children and yourself on your own. To have your kids around you, incessantly wanting you, loving you, needing you (hating you, yelling at you and whining at you, too, probably, if I'm to be realistic) when you really need to think and plan can be suffocating. And all the everyday things that kids need -- especially if yours are not at school yet -- meals, snacks, drinks, clean clothes, stories, attention, etc, etc, etc! It's tough to handle in the best frame of mind, so please, please be kind to yourself for finding it tough right now! You obviously love your children deeply to be so concerned about the impact your panic, depression and withdrawal may have on them. That love is the most important thing they need. Even if you believe that someone else could provide them with the patience, the home-cooked meals, the range of activities that are supposed to be ideal for developing a well-balanced young adult -- it still wouldn't be as good for them as your love. Getting some time for yourself is pretty critical, though. A babysitter or daycare once or twice a week? If funds are tight, there may be family or community services around that could give you a break. Nobody is going to think the worse of you for saying that you need a few hours away from your children. The opposite, I would think -- knowing when you are close to your limit and asking for help before you actually cross it shows how strong,

LilahRose, Welcome to the Depression Center and thanks for sharing your story with us. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Depression will undoubtedly affect your outlook and the way you view your relationships and the way you view the people on your life. Please start working through the therapy program in your session diary. Take your time and don't hesitate to ask questions. Keep us posted. Danielle ______________________ The DC Support Team

Hello Lillah Rose, I just read your entry and I have to say I always thought my life was bad but, I cant even imagine what you must feel like. You are probably asking yourself- why me?! I ask myself all the time. Sometimes, I come to think that if there is a god , he gave some people a harder life to make them stronger, so they are able to deal with staff that people with "normal" lifes could never do. I think you are a very strong person, I just think, like it sounds from what you have written, that you do need a friend or someone to talk to and someone who looks after your kids one day, so youre able to do something good for yourself. I know its hard. The thing is when Im going through my depressions I always make myself feel worse, I put sad music on, dont answer the phone, dont open the window to let the sun in and I just let the pretty things in life pass. Maybe if we just try to see them, maybe that would help us to cure ourselfs, I understood the principle but, I know its hard to that when you actually feel bad. I wish you all the best and you can always write, if you feel bad.

I came across this website last night, when I was googling for some kind of Mood diary Software, in the hopes that by using something like that I might be able to identify triggers, or the Depressive cycle that seems to operate in my life. I honestly don't know if I will be able to complete the program, as experience has shown me that whilst I might feel confident and determined to do something one minute, I can feel the complete opposite the next. I am just so totally exhausted, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. My biggest problem relating to the Depression is the fact that I can no longer cope with my children. I do not want to be around them, and have felt this way for a long time. I don't enjoy them, and often even the knowledge that they are in the house is something I find abhorent. Feeling those things, I feel like I am a ghastly mother, and that maybe the children would be better off in someone else's care. But who? And how can I reject and hurt them so soon after their father did? He left the kids and I for a younger woman a couple of weeks before Christmas 2006, and even though I was glad he had left town (kind of), I had not expected him to abandon his children as well. Since then, the only contact he has had with them was a half page letter signed "From Robert", and a 4 minute conversation with his eldest daughter, during which he blamed me for him not being in conctact with them. Having said all that, it is important for you to know that my depression had started a number of years before these events, and that during this depression, my eldest brother was killed by motorbike. I feel trapped, and just don't know what to do. What I would like to be able to do IS to just walk away from the children, and let someone else deal with it all, but I cannot do that to them, for they have already suffered so much. Even my Ex's mother is now saying she isn't their Granny anymore, and is actually only their cousin (once removed) due to the fact that she adopted my Ex out to her Aunty when he was three years old. I don't just feel trapped, I AM trapped, trapped in a life I don't want to be in. I don't think of ways of killing myself, or plan to do anything like that, but there are many, many times when I cry out to G