I've really been struggling with being depressed the last couple of weeks; but, I don't think I have been fully present to its toll. I've just felt less energetic and have been very unproductive this last week.
Strangely enough, realizing that depression is a part of this has been strangely uplifting. I think I need a medication tune-up. Unfortunately, tuning up a car can be done in a couple of hours; but, getting the benefits of a medication tune up can take weeks.
I think the catalyst for all of this has been work. Granted, I'm just finishing a nine week period containing seven family birthdays or holidays, and consequently, this season usually has some wear and tear. None the less, I embarked upon a career change three years ago. I was prepared to take a significant cut in income for the long term earning potential and autonomy; but, I have come to a place where I do not know whether I am willing to make the sacrifices and pay the price. I also cannot continue with the reduced income level much longer as that adds some of its own pressures. I've tried setting goals over the last two months and have realized that I simply do not have control over this.
There are other things that have been souring my perception of this new field; but, I won't elaborate now. It has just been hard realizing that this situation may not turn around for the forseeable short term, that I may have to go back to my previous line of work, that I may not re-enter at the salary I left, and that I will be giving up the few positive attributes of my current situation to return to the old.
It may be death to yet another dream. I feel mild shame for not forseeing some of the current hardships in this vocation, despite exhaustive informational interviewing and research. I'm not getting any younger. Neither vocation is what I'd particularly call a passion, but I do like the idea of providing for my family and I don't believe some of the more fullfilling pursuits would be very profitable in relation to competing goals during this season of my life.
So, ... I need to retool somehow while having exceedingly little wiggle room; but, it will happen.