Dear Rambeaux,
If you are there, I wish, you would read these lines.
I do not have as many experiences with depression as you, I am only 31.
But it is just my experience I can tell you.
Just doing each time just a little bit for yourself - like a pleasant activity, like a task in this program...
It is not the activity itself which helped me.
But: looking back and seeing all the things I have done, I have executed.
Seeing all the things I have done, all those FACTS just had a very positive effect on me.
It's like those facts must have convinced me that I am surely not that much depressive anymore as I think I still would be. I was more active than I thought.
To be honest: I also have another tool beside this great CBT program.
This is a list of 280 pleasant activities.
This list has 3 parts.
1. part: listing the activities
2. part: table with the same list AND place to notice down, how many times you did one (or as many as you like) of them within the last 30 days
3. part: table with the same list AND place to notice how interesting you [b]would[/b] find it to do it, or how interesting or pleasant it [b]was[/b] to do it for you - again: regarding the last 30 days
30 days - in this time there are at least two or three activities I have done, and some other tasks I have done, too. (like the CBT homework :) )
So, looking back to all the activites (either pleasant or just a homework toward getting healthy) made me enourmous hopeful to be on the right way, to get healthy!!
I felt like being rich - my life did not seem to be the same boring any more as I thought it was! It was a very new knowledge for me.
I know, each of us is different, what works for one, might not for someone else..but: there is the chance that it works, too!!
If your intellect is willing to try any thing and seeks for help:
that's great - you are NOT hopeless - where I live, we say: the hope dies as the last thing in the human.
So, as long as you hope (at least intellectually), there is the chance to get better.
You never know, which tool or therapy will finally work out for you.
Just keep trying. This alone (trying many things) could make you proud and feeling active (which is definitely not a typical appearance of depression, is it? ;) )