Welcome Rosie, All things considered, it's okay to feel a little lost. A lot has changed in your life recently. It will take some time to adjust to this new normal. Gabs, Sorry to hear your appointment didn't go as smoothly as you'd hope. Don't worry about being able to support others. You give and you take. That's how this site works so don't be too hard on yourself. Deep breathing in bed may help you clear your mind and subsequently drift off and get some much needed sleep. Danielle, Bilingual Support Specialist

Hi back from hospital with no meds as was waiting to be addmitted. Health insurance wont pay. Its £6500 up front so no way I can pay either so its back to going it alone. Have to wait for the consultant to fax over the new prescription and hopefully will start them in the morning. Feel that I havent been able to offer support to anyone else properley on this site so feel bad about that also. Husband home feeling guilty, or so he says, as he had to come home to try to sort out the health insurance. I need to sleep but am so wired. No sleep last night, spent it on my knees praying. God is really testing my strengh and pushing his luck as the easy option looks the best option just now. will go for hot bath and try to sleep. Why is everything annoying me, He's just sitting there not doing anything! Its irritating, wash up or something, i dont care. well enough already, I will try to come back with a more positive mind frame. x

hi patrick, thanks for your message, I used to read marvell to my daughter when I was pregnant with her-the poems about gardens and damon the mower, I love marvell. Donne as well. thankyou for reminding me of them, I'm going to find my books and read them again.my little girl has been with her father for the last two days...and thankgod she is coming back to me tonight. i am making arrangements with a lawyer to really start divorce proceedings as now we are only separated and he can take mila away when he wants to.He now has her two days a week, its awful.So far he does bring her home again though.I am scared that one day he won't.I feel awfully alone and small, grief in my chest and pain everywhere. I miss my father so much and i feel so cut off from others especially at work. its amazing how even your best friends just don't want to know if you're going through something. they feel unhappiness and grief are contagious maybe. the effexor does work for me, it levels things out and enables me to be stronger than I otherwise would have been. i have to be for my little one. but inside I feel lost (putting it mildly)that doesnt seem to change. i think oberleutenant crapface is a good name for him by the way. kind of puts it in perspective. Am going to work now where i have to be smily and professional and instructive.... i should have been an actress. i hope you are doing alright, have read what you wrote in the past and it sounds as though things are getting better for you...are they?

Rosie and Gabs Hello Rosie. Welcome to the site and thanks for posting right away. I really wanted to congratulate you on dumping the abusive partner-person-thing. It takes plenty of time to get back to 'normal' after years of wrongness so take your time. Rejoice in the fact that it's ended now and you're not being assailed everyday by Oberleutenant Crabface's inadequacies and insecurities. Doesn't it feel good-great not to have to listen to him and his twisted crap anymore? You love your daughter and you will live to the full your own life now because that's what she needs to see and learn from so she can become an engaged-life-lover. Read some Marvell to her! Read Donne to yourself. They wove blankets at great personal expense to wrap around the world; greatest thing for your shock and trauma. It also takes months to get over anaesthesia for some people. Take your time and breathe slowly and deeply - deliberately. Talk about your days to us as stuff happens; it's all important stuff and we know what it means. Let the Effexor kick in - it works well. Gabs, Hi! What do you think is happening when you 'disappear' over your cup of tea for an hour or two? Your body/mind is telling you to stop thinking and take a vacation. It takes supreme strength to always be "on". Let your mind take off for a while. Suffering deep physical, chronic pain as well as dealing with the abyss is a tall order; it is physically and mentally exhausting to be in pain and depressed at the same time; don't forget the morphine. Since you're on medication for chronic pain you have to expect the natural withdrawal symptoms when you miss the next dose. The thing about Effexor is that it perks you up and some people may be too 'perky' to settle into a soft sleeping habit until they're used to it. Ask your doctor about taking low doses of Trazadone to get a good night's sleep.It's largely an anti-depressant with soporific overtones. I only take it when I really mess up my circadian rhythm by reading all night or watching meerkats chasing centipedes on the telly all night. I hope you got some relief today from your hospital visit? How did it go? I know the anxiety of hoping against hope that your doctor will understand that you are walking a tightrope and come up with some sympathy/support - anything to indicate that you're not just another 'fee' coming in and going out... oxo

Hi everyone, Nullpointer has brought me up short and pointed out a major deficit in my 'advice' to the problem of How to pay for Hospitalization? It is thoughtless of me to assume that everyone here lives in a universal health care country. Sorry. Even here in South Africa there is universal health care but, like the scaredy-cat I am, I prefer to drop $350 per month on health insurance so I can go to a 'private' clinic when I get kidney stones or twenty-year-old staples rising out of the bones in my foot and causing infection. In defence of my glibness I can tell you that I once was broke once about 30 yrs ago but I had a water colour that my grandfather has willed to me and which was valued at $2000 (yes, I found out later that it was worth three times that...)and, with tears and shame, I sold it to buy a banger-car so i could go look for a job and eat pork chops and Boston lettuce for a few days. Not everybody has a valuable item to sell to save one's life but that was like selling a kidney to get rid of that water colour - my only remaining memento of a beautiful old curmudgeon. Point is it saved me from an even faster slide into the abyss. It's a 'hook or by crook' kind of choice; your life is way more important than the decorations, the symbols you have around you. I see these self-decided interventions (drug rehab, chronic pain rehab, psychiatric 'vacation')as having been quintessential to making it through. Even now, if the crap hits my fan again, I would not be above researching charitable organizations for financial help. Again, this is a mindset peculiar to me, I suppose, maybe pride is more important than the way I see it...

(((Gabs))) Big, big hugs coming your way. Work the program here and do the homework. Work through the lessons. That combined with the right medication can help you. Pray Gabs. Pray, pray, pray. God loves you. I know that is so hard to believe but it is true. I will pray for you too. Right now as a matter of fact. Dear Lord, Please wrap your loving arms of comfort around Gabs and let her know that she is your child and you love her. Let her know that she has value in this world and that you have a plan for her life. She isn't worthless but a jewel in your eyes. Please let her know and believe this. We know it is true because your word says it's true. Comfort and Guide her... In Jesus Name... Amen.

Hi again, I have been reading over the posts again and again, Maybe part of my problem is my unsupporive husband but we have been married for 29 years and has always been that way. I haven't the strength just now to do anything about it, on a more practical note, my health insurance is attached to his. In fact everything is. You know how things happened years ago, the car in his name, the house just about everything. In those days I guess I was his handbag, something to look good on his arm, It was all about his career, his life, if the children did well they were his if they were naughty they were mine. I stayed even through the affairs i knew were happening, they were so painful. I did everything because I wanted my children to have a loving family life with both parents. I guess I also love? loved him. All i have ever wanted was for him to love me as much. I have watched my weight, not 'let myself go' but now whoosh. with a huge crash bang I've lost control, cant eat, sleep, string a sentance together. he rightly sees a nut case. or a psyco as he calls me. He doesnt understand and just shakes his head. havent worn make up for days, whats the point keep crying it off. I stand in the shower till the water runs cold just wishing i could was it all away, I cant. I am scared. I never realised that your mind could cause you such real phsical pain. my heart pounds, my breathing fast and shallow, can the tablets really take these awful feelings away? I know the wont sort out my problems, only i can do that but i cant do it if i cant function! Arrrrrgggggg. Ha, just looked down and have put odd socks on. very odd, 1 pink 1 black. havent noticed all day, how attractive. Still no one here so does it matter? not a jot. oh, just a thought, Patrick, how did you get to be so wise. you seem to be able to read between the lines, Well thanks guys, seem to have had an ok couple of mins writing this. am off to bed and hope the tears stay away. keep strong you fellow sufferer's and keep posting.x

Hi All and thanks for the advice. I cant tell you how much help you guys have given me. Just being there and bothering to answer. The loneliness is terrible. Its nice and comforting to know that there are people out there somewhere. Had one hell of a day. The hospital couldn't see me till I sorted out with my insurance. Just what i needed. Came home very deflated and you all know what crossed my mind. However, I paced up and down, cried a lot, twitched like a demented sparrow but did not give in. I did give in to the duvet though and basically acheived zip. Just went to bed and only got up now just because I feel sick and the anxiety is overwhelming. I have to go back to the hospital at 8am. its now 10.40pm uk. i need to take something to help me through the night but not sure what. Havent taken another effexor, am hoping that i may still be able to take it, maybe it was a blip? maybe the dose for a 1st tab too high 75? thought I'd wait till i see the consultant in the morning. The withdrawal of meds is terrifying, or maybe its not that just the depression. Having had quite a few days now of "being out of it" for most of the time, i realised that i havent changed my Butran pain patch so have been having morphine withdrawel also. what a mess. I just want someone to take control, look after me for a few days and give me the meds so I dont have to think about it. Not very good C.B.T i admit, but finding it especially tough just now. Still filling in the daily mood sheet. I know I need to act without the motivation but I just dont have the strength am totally exhausted. Has anyone sat for 2 mins to have some tea/water only for it to be an hour+ later? even my skin feels sore, Funny, my son popped in, literally walked in the door, said high mum, just come to collect a letter I need, catch you later, and went, didnt look at me or even notice my distress. I really am invisible. Hang in there all, I will and hope tomorrow brings a better day. x

Hi gabs, hope you are getting help and that the effexor is working by now. i take it as well, in the beginning it was rough and i was pretty sick but now I am used to it and feel somewhat better, it doesn't block out the depression completely though, I still feel depressed and sometimes get scared thinking how bad I would be feeling if I weren't taking it. I feel extremely alone and isolated because other people don't really know how to react to me at the moment. A lot has happened to me recently..In the past year I have been ill, hospitalised, operated on three times, had post natal depression after my baby girl was born, my marriage broke up and then my father died four months ago. I now live alone with my daughter and teach English. I feel very lost. before all this happened this year, I was diagnosed with ptsd after a previous violent relationship that lasted eight years. my little girl is all I live for. it would be great to talk to other people who are suffering depression because I feel so lost and alone. My friends seem to have no time for me at all. all I want is some company!

gabs, How are you doing today? What did you do to combat and challenge? The members provided some great ideas and techniques. Take what you need and keep it close. Push forward and challenge :) Josie, Support Specialist