Patrick: You're right, bang on right, and I know it. I have been trying since my summer counselling to do things for me (girls nights, nights with my kids, time for me) and this causes HUGE friction in my marriage because my husband believes that I am doing everything I wanted him to stop doing. My husband however, would go out with friends, get really drunk (at home alone he would do this as well all the time) and end up being left somewhere alone because he was a jerk to his friends, or end up on the dance floor with some "new girls" or some bar would come looking for him (which he never remembered being at) because he left a tab unpaid. Two years of pulling the blended family together, of fighting for his son (who lives in another province) to come and visit and be a part of our family...hubby does NOT understand that it is his DRINKING that affected how I felt about his being out all the time, etc. He is reading AA books and has gone to a couple meetings but refuses to give up alcohol all together. He doesn't feel I deserve to be angry and frustrated and depressed because "he's changing". I need to vent to someone about an example of my daily life. Obvsiously Monday night was not good - the depressive state and thoughts were scary for me. Last night after work I went home and just crawled into my pjs for a long talk with my mom. Hubby walks in just before the conversation ends and overhears me giving an example to my mom about a typical day and me saying I know I have to start slowing down...once off the phone hubby FREAKS out with me saying I never told my parents that he had helped on the day I gave as an example by coming home and feeding my oldest lunch in between running around...he didn't understand the conversation had nothing to do with him. He went on to ask what bleeping movie I wanted to watch and I said I just didn't care - put one in (I was feeling shocked, tired, drained, and had NO energy to deal with his anger and how he'd turned into the victim all of a sudden) and he threw them, got mad that I don't care about anything anymore and that I was using my "being tired" as an excuse to get out of my marriage and give up on trying to be a happily married couple. This went on for the entire night so I got little sleep. I stopped talking, let him yell, then I was in trouble for that too...I just didn't have the energy to fight, to try to make him understand that he was being unbearable, etc. I made an appointment with the family doctor to see him about my meds (Effexor) today and go get blood tests (thyroid, adrenal glands, etc) as well to start taking some of the biological possibilities out of this equation. Then I get to see my children tonight and have the night (alone) with them (they are at their dad's three days a week)...that is what is getting me through today.

Alikat, You're the CareGiver and what you need is for someone to take care of you right now. having been a major alcohol abuser for donkey's years I know from memory( what's left of it..)that only one thing really matters to an addict. SELF self self. I couldn't take care of my wife when I was an addict. I didn't take care of my wife, my son or my sister or my friends (I lost most of my friends but now have opened some channels with some of them again - those who are the most forgiving anyway...) and I can take care of them now that I've been sober for 10 years ( stopped boozing in 93 and went to AA, stopped abusing my chronic pain meds in 1998). What I'm saying here is that your husband needs to get into the AA programme because he can't alter his life and his attitude to you until he is aware that he's out of control when he's drinking. He'll fall and pick himself up but he must keep going back to AA until he "gets" it. As I know, it's almost like being alone to live with an alcoholic/addict. That's too much for even you, The CareGiver, to put up with. God knows how much of your present lapses into depression are to do with HIS addiction. Does he go to AA now that he's had 6 months of dual counselling with you??? For every CareGiver there's a "Baby" out there who is quite willing to let you give your ALL. If you drive your engine at 120 mph all day and night then you have to expect your "piston rings" to melt into the cylinders. Take your lead foot off the accelerator, Alikat. Time for you to concentrate on a huge self-maintenance programme. And let us know how you're going to alter this set of circumstances you're in now. You're making me anxious wanting to know when you're going to lift the weight from your shoulders; you're always too young to submit to a Granny Stoop...

alikat hope you get as much from the group as I have. I think its fair to say that without the good people over this time i wouldnt be here today. Good Luck. Just ask away and vent if you need. x

alikat. Look at Patrick's post under lifestyles called. It really is OK to be selfish

hi

Alikat, Vent away. This support group ought to be good for you. We will listen, all you have to do is post. We strongly encourage you to begin familiarizing yourself with the tools on the site and the program itself. If you have any questions, just ask. Danielle, Bilingual Support Specialist

Hi everyone, I am certain I've been depressed off and on for at least 12 years now. I was on meds for a short time about 11 years ago which I thought was a situational thing (broke up with fiance). When I got married shortly after, I thought I was ok...had a baby...then seperated...then got back together...had another baby...hit ROCK BOTTOM with a colicky baby (she's now 5) and blamed post pardum on that and moving. Nope...never went away. Got divorced...met a man that was my rock...got remarried...only to discover (or admit) he was an alcoholic. Started taking meds (effexor) again in January, changed jobs, changed a lot of things in my life not wanting to blame him for my problems. It was inevitable that I faced the fact I was enabling him. This summer he finally started to get help...but I'm at rock bottom. Yesterday (last night) major suicide thoughts came to mind. Its never been that bad, I was only maybe 10 hours late taking my meds yesterday? I had to call hubby to come home just so someone would be in the house with me...I called a friend and just sat and cried. I feel hopeless, helpless, nothinginness...almost called my ex to ask him to tell the kids (who were with him last night) that I loved them. Hubby and I are in counselling together, I've been in counselling all summer as well...now this "counselling" to keep me focused on tracking my moods, etc. I'm really struggling. I feel as though I am always there for everyone else and no one is there for me. I feel like so long as I have friend's problems to help with I can be ok. I feel like I have to be constantly in motion, doing something new, taking on new challenges, and being there for all my friends...being the strong one (and they always know that they can come to me for a shoulder). Last night someone said something to me that got me thinking about all of this and its true ya know? I have ALWAYS, my entire 30 years of life, been GO GO GO...never slowing down but always having periods of rock bottom (can think of mental health days Ive taken when I stay in bed and cry all day), periods of wanting to disappear, periods of wanting to run away and never come back, periods of wishing people would just get out of my life and stay out...I feel like there is NO ONE strong enough to hold ME up...everyone tells me I "need" too much, that I expect to much of them, that I am moody and that no one on this planet can make me happy. I feel very alone and like no one understands...because I don't understand...I lose myself in my job because I am good at it...but it's stressful (law) and its all about HELPING others and saving people from their mistakes...sorry this is long...but I'm really struggling right now...thanks for listening.