[font=Script MT Bold]THank you very much !!![/font] :)

wildcat, I think it's great that you are able to evaluate yourself so well and see the need to "break the chain." I hope you don't put too much pressure on yourself. In fact I think someone here told me to appreciate even the smallest progress and that's what I've been trying to do. I'll be routing for you!

wildcat, Do not, be sorry for going around the situation and not facing the truth of the situation as you put it. The real truth is what we are feeling. That is your truth right now. Its the challenge of those thoughts that we are all trying to work on. Of course you slip back into your childhood habits of protecting yourself, you have practiced that way for many years, it will take you a long time to break that habit. You are working hard at it and to my mind you are doing well. If you felt you were unloved by your parents how could you learn to love yourself? You must learn to love yourself as the person you are so that others can love you too. It is understandable that you put up those barriers. Why would you want to be hurt? When the time is right, slowly and surely lower those barriers and make friends and you will see how rewarding that can be. You dont have to like everybody and everybody may not like you. That is o.k. That is how it is. You are a good kind soul, be kind to yourself, you are equal, you will deal with this situation even if you are anxious along the way. Try to be strong, give your girls in the pit a chance. They may well encourage you and make you feel welcome. Give yourself and them a chance. Good luck. x

i am sorry for going around the discussion and not facing the truth of the situation. I like a bit of isolation. I have a phsyical buffer for am emotional problem. i do not want to face these people who are not slightly cool and smily all the time because i do not know how to react (internally) to their moods. So the physical distance allows me to come and go as I feel comfortable. I do not know how to feel when something upsets a person, and it has nothing to do with me. If they are in my space their mood is my fault - my responsibility. This is a left over from my child-hood; where my father's mismanaged disorder's moods were my fault!!! you are playing with my nerves you know I can't so why are you pushing my buttons you know I have... so don't.... you never think about how I worry... so start thinking... I know then and now are not the same. But this was part of my survival then (especially when my father was suicidal). I can't let go. I need to relearn how to react to people and I am not all that far yet. So I skirt around the issue. I am afraid of the emotional attacts from my past coming back, here and now. i am afraid of the possibility of making friends, because if my parents could not love in the way other/normal parents care and love their children how can I expect strangers to show any basic respect to me. I do not trust my judgement of any tense situation. I have not built any experience nor self-esteem is these normal emotional situations. I feel like a stupid child again who was too thick to learn a basic lesson in being human. Perhaps I am less equal, perhaps I am crazy, perhaps I have a mental deficiency. -again the dark thinking - again the downward spirial starts. doubt, avoidance, low-esteem, etc... so before the positive I need to break this chain... regardless of the habits and regardless of the consequences (because that also provokes another negative chain-reaction). Then I can BUILD a positive thought string. help.

Wildcat, Find positives in this new change. The flowers are a great idea, it brings some of you into your new shared space. Keep thinking of scenarios and how you can handle them. Prepare yourself so you are not so overwhelmed in your environment. Go over the questions that Danielle posed and think of some ways to cope with this change. Brenna, Bilingual Support Specialist

right.. plans, As of monday. I sit with the girls in "the pit" and chat a few minutes at lunch. It helps me to get used to the space and the million other little things. and to laugh with the girls to build bridges. I am planing to move some flowers from home to a corner make-shift shelf over my computer monitor. so I am trying to think of personalizing the space. I am thinking of asking for a small filing cabinet to hide my accumulations. I am looking at ways to reduce the paper in, on, under my desk and I spoke to one person in the "pit" who is very sympathetic. She has offered to help me throw out some stuff... senarios: everything going well & need quiet to concentrate; say two or three comments into disscussions and then remind self... oh I have a ton of stuff to do ... sorry but I better get at it. -if neg reaction blame it on far away boss... if pos react all the better.... everything going well & need quiet to concentrate; go for coffee and return with a sigh. others should ask and can blame it on ton of work... everything going well and need to break quiet for info; push chair to person and noisely breath to capture attention.... so keep the movement to minimum.... e-mail person (with shhhh lips) to turn around when they have a moment... Difficult moment and need quiet; take a walk to bathroom to wash face and see above... or make some tea / ask for a tea bag and see above... difficult moment and need to break the queit; e-mail question and allow person to respond in own way and time.... tensions; ignore conversations and physical slights. shrug shoulders make a half-smile to questioning looks and continue with another task. make a self decreciating joke laugh and run to hide in the caf -& wash coffee pot. Hope to the goddess the boss notices and saves me ... Hope to not get stuck with "you see what I mean" "now what" and the "but I did do my..." and run to other people in various other depts to chat and hide. Ignore and comments concering my lack of organisation, tidiness, and lack of diligent filing. eh I don't think I am going anywhere like this :quest:

Hi Wildcat, Good thought record! Ok, so what do we do now... we can't change the decision that has been made so we will have to cope with the change. How can we make this transition easier? What could you do to start building/rebuilding your collegial relationships before making the move over to the four seat team area? What could you do when you need to collect yourself? Could you run through a few tough scenarios in your head and practice responding in a calm professional manner? Could you start a journal to help give you a space to vent your frustrations? Hope these ideas help. Keep us posted. Danielle, Bilingual Support Specialist

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I know that writing on the forum here usually helps me feel better especially since I hardly ever talk to anybody. Hey wild, it might be good to get closer to where your co-workers work. I really think it's some of my trouble is that I work alone all the time and I can go all day without saying anything to anyone! Then, my work is so boring, the Ms. isn't really interested in it and I don't have much to say from being by myself all the time. She goes in cycles too because sometimes she thinks I'm not saying anything because I do all my talking to "another woman," which I don't.

hi... i thought to try a thought record! date and time: nov-6 @ 11 am late for work this am. tried to pass off my guilt as a joke "awww shucks, you noticed i'm late" had a great self-help meeting last night but went to bed late. beliefs/thoughts: boss mentioned at the being od dept meeting that I will be changing place / work station when the office space is re-organised. This change will be difficult to adapt to, especially since I am still resistant to changes. Thhis change will put me in closer physical contact with my co-workers. It is nearly the winter blah season and I will not have the strenght and courage to face the situation. Feelings / Consequences: I am scared. Scared of being pushed into facing situations I am not ready for. scared of the the possibilities of being hurt and of being judged. scared of being discovered. I am tired. I do not know if it is the normal winter slow-down, if it is the overworked, under appreciated slow down or it is illness related. I really just want to run and hide. I am too tired to face the world right now. distortions... focus on the negative. -so I need to remember that I will be less isolated and included more oten in friendly conversations. i will be closer and have that moral support from other working women. - catastrophizing. -so it is not up to me to face the personality clashes. the boss wants to build a team, this is part of her work. I work with big girls that will not jump to the worst possible behavior.- predicting the future. -all my worries and fears are figments of my imagination. truely. there is no set pattern and I am imagining the worst possible reaction in me and projecting it.-

well now I am in my down-spiral... surprise! and need to release with those who understand. I am moving from my nice two seat cubical to the four seat team area. I am quietly alone and surrounded by the accumulations of paper that secure me. Soon I will move some 4 meters over to the area where the rest of my co-workers are and share all this physical and emotional space . :gasp: blah :8o: I don't want to share. I do not want to be close. I want to be a bit apart. I want a bit of space to not touch the others emotional spheres and to be able to ignore their turbulance. I want the impossible. we are all being shoved over because of the desparate need of space by a neighbouring department. It seems petty, but I really am upset. I don't want to be too close to those who have called my space a garbage heap in the past. They do not know what my battles with Obsessive-complusive disorder are and I sure as hell will not explain it to them. I don't want to see the facial tics that express so much emotion. I do not want to be in range to be hurt, hit, and judged. I do not want to be close to those who couldn't endure my music, many moons ago, but has learned to dendure it for another. I wasn't worth the effort. I do not want to be that close to someone who is turning into a close aquantance. I might be tempted to make them a friend, who will only burn me, who will light a protective fire to drive me away. THis is the work place not a social gathering. She has had problems adapting and might just run away like the 5 others in the past 8 years. and I will be heart-broken and alone here again. I do not want to move 4 meters over. I do not want to be included into the little clics that pop up everywhere. I do not want to be so close to be inspected and new fodder willl be discovered for more nastiness. There are positve reasons for the change. It is just that this down-ward slide has picked-up speed since that difficult department meeting on friday and the positives are still at the top of the cliff i jumped off... I want to get up on my chair and yell. Yes I am mentally ill! I do not want to accept you decisions and will not comply! I will stick a kitchen table and chair in the middle of your plans and that will be MY PLACE! I cannot accept the negative situations that I forsee so I will not take any chances. I refuse to accept your positive outlook! dumb. yes. illogical. yes. emotional. yes. will i do it... no. I will try to spend this week looking for the good. :confuse: