Hi Guys,
Thanks so much for your encouraging words.
I am still trying to stay strong and be true to myself but its just too easy sometimes to slip into old ways.
I am determined not to allow myself to take too many steps backwards.
With Christmas fast approaching there seems to be so much to do and think of. Usually by this time I have all the presents bought and wrapped but as yet have only bought the odd thing.
The thing i am finding so frustrating still, is how long it takes me to get myself together to just get out of the house.
I have always been a 90 mile an hour person and now the days skip by and all I have done is put the washing on.
My concentration is terrible still and I dont know if its the medication or the depression.
I have so many Christmas cards to write but never seem to get round to it. I am sure no one would care if I didnt send any, but to me, i want to keep in contact with people as hopefully if/when i get well I will still have a life.
Lovelybones, you are right in saying that there are a lot of similarities in our situation. I know deep down that I should have been brave enough long ago, when my children were small to leave but i wasnt.
I guess I was always hoping that i could make him love me.
I am still angry that my husband has watched me suffer for so long
and only just now, after a couple of terrible outbursts from me has he even made a rather weak effort to find out about my depression and what i am trying to do to help myself through it.
He has never looked at a thought record or even wondered what I am doing.
His latest retort tonight was, that he couldnt understand why no sleep could make my back pain worse. Duh, lack of sleep makes everything worse!
I am still worried that after my next back operation, i will be just left to get on with it.
I dont react very well to anesthetic and am concerned that I may miss my meds as happened the last time and i went cold turkey.
It was a very frightening experience.
It worries me that I will eventually end up disabled, a fact that I have to face, its not an if, its a when. Who will take care of me?
I dont want him to look after me because I nag him to. I want him to want to. To me thats what love is.
Anyway, despite this, i no longer have to pretend to my children that I am well which is truly a relief.
I am going to try to be 'me'(still looking for her) even at the risk
of upsetting anyone.
And I may even buy myself a golf club to use as lovelybones suggests!
x