G, I hasten to say that I'm NOT saying that you are at fault here - we MDD people have been crushediinto silence about our illness through years and decades and centuries of pressure from the patriarchal set... they're 'stupid' if you like!

Galadriel, This thing you're saying is a conundrum. You walk around sometimes NOT looking sad, maybe even smiling, and people to whom you have revealed that you're a depressive might assume that you're 'cured'; does this mean that you are wearing a false smile to be accepted (to do the 'right' thing socially)? I ask because I've never been able to do that. When I feel like crap I just don't go to dinners or to gatherings where strangers or'acquaintances' might misinterpret my lack of expression ( not quite 'flattened affect'!) as arrogance or 'hauteur' or whatever they are afraid of in a so-called straight face; I just can't smile if I feel like crap. I am saying that I can't hide it. But I've been retired due to further disabilities since 1993.... so I haven't had to present a professional face to others anyway... I smile and I laugh and make jokes now but i know that the MDD is lurking below and I fight to abate the trigger actions that might lead me back to the Abyss. I had to fight off two triggers this morning and afternoon - one a slamming by my wife for a defect in my 'being' and the other a teeth grinding anger at my apartment manager for leaving me for two weeks now without a proper hook-up for my laundry machines. I had to drive 100kms in the early afternoon to see a friend who is ill with Huntington's Chorea (used to be called St. Vitus' Dance in the non-PC days) and I had to get a grip on myself or it would have been a sad afternoon. I fought off the negative thinking in the car by using my tried and true methods of chanting and shouting aloud The Windhover by G.M.Hopkins until I was breathless and laughing again and not grinding my teeth and crying as I had been in mid morning after the double trigger effect hit hardest.... I don't care if I stay sane with 'tricks' and that I use Prozac to 'block' untethered emotions... I need those tricks and those SSRIs and they've served me well so far - Nothing you say here that stems from MDD or BiPolar is 'self-pitying' or 'stupid', G, that's what the non-embattled tell us we are but it's not true for those of us who are in MDD or always on the edge of it...I hate to say it since I am spawn of the Patriarch but this is dreadful Patriarchal BS and we should all recognise it as such - yes, from women as well as men...

Galadriel, Please start working through the program. It's time for you to start learning how to recognize and challenge your depressive thoughts. Don't hesitate to ask questions! Danielle, Bilingual Support Specialist

Welcome Galadriel! I'm new myself, but have found the people here so open, friendly and understanding. I'm sure you will too. I definitely identify with your feelings of not being understood. If we go around expressing our true feelings, we're all doom and gloom. If we put on a happy face, we're cured. ~sigh~ I still struggle with that and I've been fighting depression my entire life. I also identify with feeling confused and unable to articulate what I feel. If I knew what was going on inside, I would be able to work on it but the things that make me most miserable are those things I haven't yet been able to identify. There is no way someone who has never felt serious depression can understand that. Everyone gets the blues, but not everyone gets to that dark place that the people here seem to understand so well. I also have fibromyalgia which causes "brain fog" at times so there are moments I feel truly lost in some wilderness. I'm lucky to have a partner who gets it, but I also understand your feeling alone. I didn't fall in love until I was 42 years old. Seriously! I'd been married at 19, came out as a lesbian at 30, had [b]all kinds[/b] of relationships, but never met the "right" one till six years ago. You say you are in your 30s ... I remember feeling like a big slice of life had passed me by when I was there. Have heart, though, that it's possible to still find your "happy ending" even when you are past what some would say is your "best before" expiration date! :) Being depressed and being alone sucks. On the positive side, though (I'm the local Pollyana Sunshine girl), you've found this place and we may not take you out dancing, but I bet someone here shares your story. It seems you're willing to open up and share your feelings here and I've found that the people at this board do really get it. I hope you find some relief here. Oh yah ... I'm the wordy one, too. :) [size=4][color=Purple][font=Comic Sans MS]Welcome!![/font][/color][/size]

Thanks for the warm welcome to the forum. I've been "officially" struggling with depression for a year since the breakdown of a relationship, but have realised, with the help of the psychologist, that this is not the first episode but just the most severe. I've found it difficult for people to understand this illness because I've learnt to hide it quite well On the few occasions I have opened up to people and told them about it, the next time they see me and I'm not sad, they think I have been cured. Does anyone else find this? It's also hard to find anyone I trust with my thoughts and feelings. Often they are confused and the person needs to understand that. Here I am in my 30s without a partner or children and it is just the time when everyone seems to be getting married and having kids. Their lives are going on and I don't have any single friends, let alone the motivation to go out into the scary outside world and meet new people. It feels as if this is never going to end and I'll always be cooped up in my flat on my own. Now i feel self-pitying and stupid for feeling like that ... this illness gets you stuck in a vicious circle that is so hard to escape.