Whew,
What an evening.
Am I being strong and asserting myself or am I being just plain stupid?
I have mentioned on previous posts that I have now told my children the extent of my depression.
Well, tonight, my father took myself and my husband and my brother and his wife out to supper.
Its the 1st time we have all been out for 6 months due to my being 'ill' apart from Dads birthday where we were all on best behaviour.
Well apart from the depression, I have been in hospital twice for back operations.
My sister in law tonight asked if I was now o.k and seemed to be back to my old self, as she put it.
Well, the easy answer was, yes, i'm ok and leave it at that as i have done many many times in the past.
However, the 'new' me, decided that, if you ask a question, then you should be prepared for the answer so, in my new found wisdom, i replied that, no, I was far from well, it had taken a lot of preperation on my part to come out this evening, and i still have another back op to face on 20th december.
Oh dear, she sounded surprised. Oh well, I'm sure you will cope, was the answer.
I am sure I will, I replied. She also said, well you do know that if there is anything we can do you only have to ask.
Great! i said, yes, you can look after dad, and if you are passing my house on the way to the supermarket, which they have to, maybe you can call me to see if you can pick something up for me and then, if you are not too busy, maybe you may just want to pop in and see if i am alive and ok and have a cup of tea!
Lead balloon!
Too Honest?
Too blunt?
I also said that i find it quite disgusting that i have a brother who i have always been there for, a husband, and yet, these past 6 months when i have been truly ill, i have only had an 86 year old disabled father who truly wanted to help me but couldnt.
So the big question, do we admit our illness and get the cold shoulder like i did tonight, or do we carry on dealing with it on our own, as most of us on this site do, but maintain some dignity.
I am trying so hard to be strong and not to appologise for being depressed but seem to come up against a brick wall each time i try to bring the problem up.
It seems, everyone is much happier if we pretend that all is well and we put on the fake smiley face.
Even my husband thinks i am cured, or better because i havent told him how I am feeling.
You Guessed right, he hasnt asked.
Well, the meak and mild little thing that hides away in the corner has gone.
I now know better.
I have a place in this world.
I just need to figure out what it is.
I need to learn to be not guilty!
x