Rina, Checking out our sister site may be of help to you. There, you'll find our Depression Test and cognitive behavioral therapy program. Depression & anxiety often go hand in hand. Likely, your depression feeds your anxiety or vice versa. Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

Hi Daily Lama, Thanks for understanding my analogy - it took a while for it to materialize inside my head. It wasn't easy for me to start writing here, mostly because I don't know how to express what I feel clearly. People have tried to dismiss my behaviour as bad moods for years, but it has never been as simplistic as that; in fact, even as a teenager I knew that deep inside me there was some kind of unhappiness brewing, but I don't know from what. Whomever I have tried to talk to about it, however awkwardly, has asked me the same question: 'What do you want?' but this has only frustrated me more because if it were so easy to answer such a saturated question, I hope that I would have figured it out by now. My episodes of sadness, fear, frustration, and hopelessness manifest themselves anywhere between once a week to once in three weeks, and when they come they are accompanied by crying and a fear of having no purpose or direction. Usually one episode lasts between two and four days, depending on the circumstances surrounding it. And this has been going on for years, but I never thought to call it depression because I have always attributed it to either puberty or stress or some immediate predicament in my life that I dismissed as temporary. Now, in my thirties, it's getting worse and worse and worst of all, I know it's coming from deep inside me and that I carry it wherever I go and no matter what I do, like a ball and chain. So although I don't take medication or present symptoms that are anywhere close to what some members have discussed (and I really feel for them), I suffer a lot and I feel alone. Any suggestions how I can start to get better? Thanks.

Rina! What a succinct analogy you wrote here! I have posted to Hidden Cheshire elsewhere but now I want to talk to you a little bit. What a fine way to describe your own life and the way that others want to 'mess' with it without your permission; being ' directionless' and unsure about your 'purpose' in life can persist through our growing years, even into middle age and later! I understand how you want to take possession of your life and make it meaningful and satisfying. Like anything else it is a learning process above and beyond the 'normal' behaviour modification we endure when we grow into adulthood. The big question is always "What is the meaning of this big box in my lap? And, how do I go about knowing it is really mine and that I will have to do something about it as it's hurting my thighs just sitting there, not giving me any indication of what it is supposed to be????" I just know that you will start to unwrap the box and that you're just beginning to do that by posting here on this site. And you are right, 'express the problem first and start on the road to recovery. We're all familiar with that dilemma. I, for instance, spent way too many years in isolation/reclusivity with depression and very bad attempts at self-medication and all it got me in the end was yet more 'walls' to break down when I finally rejoined the world and lived 'with' people!! This sounds strange but I am thankful that I went through rehab for drug abuse in middle-age and discovered the pleasure and joy,even, of facing myself and my fears and tremblings with other people in group. For you, Rina, you have already begun the process of taking responsibility for that big Gift Box by peeling the wrapping away when you posted in here. This place has all the scissors and sharp tools that you'll need to get inside that Box - the members here all know exactly what you're saying (and saying so well!)and we'll help you care for yourself when you post more of your experiences here just through our own understanding of what you're going through. Remember that our counsellors are always there to help and answer all your questions (in private) about recovery from depression. There are no 'silly' questions in the learning process so please don't be shy with your fellow members . Talk to us here as much or as little as you like - if you make it a frequent habit of signing in here you will start to feel the security and comfort of companionship whihc is always based on caring rather than idle curiousity!! Thanks for speaking out now....

Hi Hidden, I want to reply to your message because it has taken me a while to decide what to write here...I've been a member for a while, but so far I have only read other people's messages, and that alone has made me feel better. If I had to quickly tell you what's been bothering me for so many years, I would tell you that I have always felt that life has been given to me, as a big sealed box, and I just don't know what to do with it. Other people are opening the box, playing with it, shaking it, exploring it, breaking it, but I am sitting with it in my hands too scared to touch it. I am always afraid of it, but I don't want to give it away or ruin it. And this discourages and frustrates me. It also makes me sad for some reason. So, it has helped me to think about my situation as an analogy that I can describe quickly as I've done here. I hope that in time you will be able to do the same thing because things will become more clear. Once you experess your problem, the road to recovery will also be within reach. Good luck.

Hidden, Welcome to our support community. Take the time to look around and use the free program to help you push forward and progress. The members are amazing and do know what you are going through. Their support and knowledge can help you every step of the way! Post often and ask questions, we are always here :) Josie, Support Specialist

I just wanted to say hi. introduce myself. i don't really know what to say here... i don't really know much of anything right now.