Divorce. Yes, well, that's where my emotional disconnect came in handy.:~ I think that the process of healing from a marriage breakdown would be different for different people, depending on the personalities involved and the circumstances. You're right to be concerned about your son -- if I did anything right in my separation/re-establishment process, it was using the question "what's best for my children?" as a guide for my decisions and behaviour. The fact that you're thinking about the impact of your divorce on your son is, in itself, a pretty good indicator that he'll be fine. It's not going to be easy, but you're an intelligent and loving parent and you'll figure out how to make it work so that he grows into the confident, competent, and well-adjusted person you'd like him to be. Creativity and a sense of adventure help. :) You may well find that you and your son develop a stronger, better, closer relationship than you ever would have in a traditional 2 parent environment. For you, I suppose getting over the end of a marriage is like grieving the death of a loved one. It's not just losing what your marriage was, but also losing everything that you wanted it to be. People look at you differently, awkwardly, as though they'd like to make you feel better but don't know what to say. There's some social shunning even in this part of the world, where divorce is commonplace, so you may want to look for new networks -- a divorce support group, or a new interest or activity that would allow you to meet new people. Sorry, I'm not painting a very positive picture, am I? I guess that my style is to lay everything out on the table at once, so I can see what I'm dealing with. It works for me, though it can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. The point that I'm trying to gently make is that your new life is going to be very different. But it is a new life -- a beginning, rather than just an ending. There will be some good things gone from it, but there will also be some bad things gone from it. Allow yourself to mourn your loss, and at some point you'll begin to be able to recognize and even enjoy all that you've gained. Thank for your kind words, yapjoy. Is it possible to be courageous and fearful at the same time? Determined and deflated? I'm passionate about my work, and know that I'm good at it, but I'm very afraid of finding out that I'm not good enough. If I hide away from the world, then I never have to find out whether or not I'm good enough. But that's not terribly realistic, is it? Even though I've managed to hide for a while now, it is actually making me feel worse because I'm kicking myself for being so fearful. I like your advice: one foot in front of the other is all I need to do to start moving :) Take care

thanks so much Sandy and Confused. I am still doing CBT and coming to this site may help me as well. To share further, how do you get over divorce? I am very close to being divorced, this is one of my pitfalls. This is something that I need to address to but I just couldn't gather enough courage to do so. Being a father of a 8 years old boy, I can't bear to see him without a mother in the family. In my part of the world, divorce is something not very usual and thus will eventually make life difficult for him. I had the experience of not being able to get out of the bed and need some effort to do so. The way I deal with it is when I do get out of bed, I will go for a slow walk even when my energy is really low, eventually this energy will slowly return. My doctor has also prescriped RITALIN to boost my energy. The point is that we can't just let low energy eat us up. Confused, I am very impressed with your courage and determination. Your ability to face the music is a wonder which many of us find difficult to deal with. If you want to open up your feelings there may be lots of people who are willing to help you through.

YapJoy ... Have you checked with your doctor about other causes for your fatigue? I was exhausted for ages too, then found out I have fibromyalgia. I've been to a whole bouquet of specialists and the bottom line is "live with it", but being a "type A" personality, that hasn't been very helpful advice. Instead I just learned to worry at warp speed about not getting things done. These days a lot of my depression is caused by being disabled. I can't work anymore, can't do any of the things I once lived for. I'm learning to deal with it ... slow learner, though, since I've been on disability for nearly 4 years now. ;) CBT will help, if I can ever find the energy to actually do the sessions. I have always used sleep as an escape from my depression, but this fatigue is different. I literally cannot drag myself out of bed some days because the exhaustion and pain are too much. I'd certainly get it checked out ... if nothing else, putting a name to it helps and so does getting the correct medications. Nice to have ya here anyway. :)

yapjoy, Welcome to our support community. As you can see, there is lots of support and knowledge for you to choose from. Take a look around and see how the program can help. We are always here and do know what you are going through :) Josie, Support Specialist

Hi yapjoy I'm sorry to hear about your misfortunes -- it's surprising how often it happens that a few bad things happen to us all around the same time, sometimes completely unrelated to each other. I had a similar cluster of events -- marriage breakdown, lengthy illness and death of my father, toxic boss, young children, severely injured friend -- all in the space of a few years. One, two, maybe even three of them I could have handled, but all of them? Well, here I am. I tell myself that I will come out of this a stronger, more resilient and grounded person, and some days I even believe it. Hang in there -- you've found a good place in this program and forum. I think that, whether from society, parents or wherever, we have very unrealistic expectations of what our lives are supposed to look like, and the reality is that we're not going to find all aspects of our lives challenging and rewarding. Sometimes a job is just a job -- work that gives us money in order to be able to be challenged and fulfilled in other parts of our lives, and something that we can take satisfaction from just doing it well -- we don't all have to be on a rising career path. Even with rising career paths there is a limit as to how far someone can go. The the choice becomes one of staying in that role or hopping onto another career path -- there are always choices, it's just that they aren't necessarily easy ones. I'm 45, divorced with no retirement fund and 2 kids who'll be going to university in a few years. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to be working until I die, but I'll never resign myself to the idea that I've upgraded my skills as far as I'll ever be able to. Even if I were on a traditional career path, with a view to retiring at 65, I'd still have another 20 years in front of me -- pretty much the same length of time as is behind me in my career. Same for you. Depression can cloud our perspective such that we often can't see that we have choices in front of us -- please, give yourself a shake. You're very good at what you do, to have achieved this position when your employer had thousands of options. It must be a fairly interesting position, as well, if so many others want it. The huge advantage that you have is that you are in the job and they aren't -- as long as you continue to do your job well, the likelihood of your being given the boot is pretty small. You're doing the right things to heal, by the sounds of it, with medication, counselling, education, and carving out some extra time for yourself. Income is, obviously, important so you need to be paying attention to continuing to do your job well, but I'd put aside worrying about career satisfaction for the time being. Once you're back on track emotionally, then you can tackle the career issue. It's simply too much to handle all at once, and you may not currently be in the best frame of mind for making significant career decisions. In the counselling that you've done, have you done CBT? I've been struggling with depression for over 7 years now, and have worked with several counsellors/psychologists/psychiatrist who all took a talk therapy approach. We just seemed to go in circles with no improvement in my frame of mind. One of them mentioned CBT about 18 months ago, but she didn't do it and could make no recommendations as to who could help me with it. The community health centre offers a group CBT program, but there's a 10 month waiting list. I found a workbook, which helped a bit. Googling got me here, and I've finally been able to make some real progress. A lot of us here seem to have experience with that zombie feeling -- for me, I was shutting down my emotions because they were too painful. It's not easy to open up and feel again, but working through this program may well help you do that. Hopefully this helps a bit.

Thanks so much. To elaborate further, I am already doing whatever I could,medication,counseling,reading etc. I have lightened my work load(even to the extend of losing income),trying to do the things I enjoyed. Is there anything I could do? The feeling that I have is as if I am a zombie, I am feeling that my body doesn't belong to me. I am really afraid.

Welcome Yapjoy! Yah, that roller coaster thing is exhausting. You'd think we would get used to it, eh? Never happens, though. I'm in my 40s too ... the last bit of it ;) and I LOVE my age. Every decade it seems my depression becomes easier to deal with. I wouldn't go back to that desperation of youth for anything. Keep sharing with us, get to know the people here and you'll find a great safety net. The folks here do understand and that goes a long way toward not feeling like a freakshow. Again, Welcome!

I am diagnosed with depression 4 years ago and is still on Lexapro and Lamotrogine. Sometimes I have to resort to ritalin to maintain my energy level. A series of misfortune have fallen on me like: job,marriage,family etc. I find it extremely difficult to uplift myself although I can have a long period of feeling great, totally like a roller coaster. When I am up there I feel the joy and energy but when I went down it will take me forever to climb up. My job seems hopeless, I am in a profession whereby there is no promotion of any sort and nothing much to look forward to and thousands of people are vying for this place. To make matter worst I am in my 40s and there is not much I could do upgrade myself. I am always in fear that I may get the boot anytime. If I lose my job my family will suffer big time because I have lots of prior responsibilities that I have to fulfill. Anyone care to advice?