Hi miakoda
The anonymity and accessibility of this site are great, but there are times like these when I wish I could reach through the computer and give a hug.
My habit with strong emotions is to block or repress them. But blocking and repressing my angers, my pains, my sorrows for so many years has led to the state I'm in now. So now, at 46 years old, I'm learning how to let these emotions out (in a positive and constructive way, ideally).
Crying and throwing things are both good ideas, actually. Not just tears and a few shoulder shudders, but a real, sobbing, body racking cry. When my youngest daughter was 2, she rolled off the bed onto her elbow -- her crying then was very different to her crying because a toy had been taken away, and I knew that she'd fractured it and was in real pain. The most natural thing to do in response to pain is to cry, and yet it's socialized out of us. You're in real pain and it hurts a lot -- don't push it down because it hurts too much, but feel it and cry. Let the pain flow out of you with your sobs and your tears.
The throwing things part -- well, perhaps not throwing things if you're indoors, but if that's what you feel like doing, it needs to come out somehow. Kneeling on your bed and beating the heck out of your pillows? Screaming into your pillows until you're hoarse? Whatever feels right for you (that you're not going to regret at the other end of this pain. And yes, as DL says, there is an end).
Let it out until you feel drained and empty inside. Then go for a walk, or sit quietly, and let the good, strong energy of your new life fill you.
If this helps, you may have to go through it a few times to get it all out. And thanks for sharing, miakoda. I have a lot of tools, but I seem to forget about them when I need them most.
Take care.
