We can only do what we can do. My work on this is in fits and starts as well -- at least you've been able to feel some progress and have some of the tools to bring out on those days that aren't quite so dark. Be kind to yourself -- it all takes time and you're doing well :)

Confused, This program right now for me is like everything else in my life. A mess and something I don't have enough time to work so that it is beneficial to me. I'm trying to reset priorities. A couple of months ago I was really working the program and it was helping tremendously. I need to get back to it. The discussion boards at least keep me focused and give me a sounding board for the times I feel I'm alone and don't have anywhere to turn. There are never enough hours but some things we have to "make" time for. I know the program is important and would help me a lot. I have to be proactive but like you said, it's difficult when in this state.

That's great, Lady, that you're starting to feel better. And wonderful that you've taken even baby steps toward reconnecting with the elements of your life that are important to you. I think that it's hard, during the dark days, to remember anything, even the things that will actually help us find our way through them. So congratulate yourself for your courage and perseverance :) How are you finding this program so far?

I've now had four days of the Effexor at the higher dosage and I really think it is helping. This afternoon and this evening I started feeling better and like I'm climbing out of the slump. Church this morning was also very helpful. I know many are not religous but typically I am. In recent months I have drifted farther and farther from God and for some reason cannot figure out how to get back. I know better but it hasn't mattered. After church this morning, I approached someone and asked them to help me find the Lord again. She agreed to help mentor me. That is a step in the right direction. Baby steps and keep focus and keep pushing forward. I have to remember that on my dark days the sun comes out again eventually. There is hope for me. I have to keep trying until I get better.

Lady, While you wait for your appointment, don't forget there are national hotlines you can use to help you. Please know we are here for you and I've given you an exercise to try in another thread. (Have a question about depression?) Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

Hi Lady I'll echo Perth that you're not alone. Does it help to know that there is this whole community of people, many of whom also feel isolated and cold? It's awful, really, that there are so many of us feeling this way, but at least we can connect when we need to through here. Linking to the other post -- I don't know how to let go of the past either. I guess that's what we're working on here: unearthing all of the stuff that tells us that we're bad or unworthy or unlovable, all the evidence that we continually throw at ourselves as proof that no matter what we do we'll never be as good as we could be or should be... I've had one big a-ha moment with this work, and the rest is just chipping away at the granite mountain of evidence I have against me. This past week, my therapist asked me what was the worst thing I've ever done. I baulked. I could narrow it down to perhaps 5, but choosing only 1 as the worst? Then he asked me what was the worst thing that anyone has done to me (besides my marriage). Again I baulked. Outside of my marriage, I've been very fortunate -- minor hurts, perhaps, but hard to think of anything that was really bad. That's not to say that whatever you did isn't bad or wrong, just that we're allowed to make some mistakes and we very probably haven't made as many as we think we have (or they haven't had as much of an impact as we think that they've had). You didn't realize at the time that what you were doing was wrong -- what would you tell your boys if they came to you, mortified because they'd made a huge mistake? Be fair to yourself, Lady. If ever you needed perspective, it's now, so that you can make a good decision as to what to do. Meditate, go for a run, do whatever you need to do to relieve some of the stress and clear your mind. Use the tools on this site -- I'm thinking Thought Records in particular, but use whatever you find helps you. Write here, or journal -- get that swirling condemnation (just a guess) that's in your head out into the light of day. I want to tell you to be kind to yourself, but you're probably not in that space yet. Just know that we're here.

Hi Lady, I know it feels like being alone, but you are not!! It's exactly what I've been talking abbout in my previous post (Mod's corner - "Did you know..?") Just to let you know, I understand you and can "hear you". I generally think, you do a lot. I mean, someone who isn't struggling with depression wouldn't be either able to cope with all those tasks you set for yourself. It looks to me, you set your goals very high and of course you get tired. Then you're disappointed. But anyone else healthy couldn't do it better than you and wouldn't get less tired than you!!! Hope anyone in the support group can come up with some constructive support for you

Hello anyone who can hear me. I don't know what has happened but this past week has been just awful with each day progressively getting worse. I have contacted my counselor 3 times this week. In November my doctor and I cut my Effexor XR from 150mg to 75mg. I have been doing fine until this point. I also take Clonazepam for those times I need something a little more and I take Buspar twice a day. The last couple of days I've taken the Clonazepam and it looks like I'll be taking it again today. I'm stressed out. I'm tired. I'm not able to focus on anything, although I'm trying to focus on little things and get through them one at a time it isn't helping much. I did something this week that I can't even share here but it has had a profound affect on me and I can't handle it. I did something really really wrong and didn't even realize I was doing it. I feel horrible and like I belong in jail. My eyes hurt and are swollen from all the tears. I constantly have tears in my eyes and am struggling with trying to keep them from falling. I'm also trying to stay away from everyone at work because it is very obvious that I'm not ok. I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't even think there is help for me anymore. My doctor that I've been seeing for the past couple of years is now 4 hours away. I contacted a (family)doctor here that I have seen once before and they didn't even return my call. Yesterday I contacted a Pschiatrist that is on the list of my insurance plan. They have to verify that my insurance will pay and then they can set up a new patient visit. It will be 3 to 4 weeks before I can be seen. I can't continue like this for that long. It's so very, very, very, very dark here.