Hey there. It's been a while. Right now there are very few rays of sun in my life. All I see are dark clouds. I need to dump somewhere where people will understand that I am in pain, and not just whining.
Since last fall, I have had surgery, lost my job ( after many years at the same company ), and am still unemployed. I have had to remortgage my house. My daughter, who I spent so much energy and money on (and to be honest she has done just about everything right) cannot find a job either. Now doctors can't decide if she has ADD or is manic depressive in addition to being obese. They prescribed Wellbutrin for her, and she called me in a suicidal state after being on it for a few days. I told her to stop taking it and make sure she was with someone (she is common law) until she could see her doctor. He prescribed something else which seems to be working better. Thank heavens she called me. Her private life sucks, in my opinion. She has hooked up with a real loser who always wants to be the victim - nothing is ever his fault. She has started to follow that line of thinking which I believe makes it impossible to be successful - however you define it. And that really makes me mad. But I am trying hard to keep my nose out of it - her life, her decisions.
The economy is not doing well right now. I feel that the odds of me finding another job equivalent to what I was earning before (or even close) is really low. I have gotten pressure to lower my expectations and try being something other than a corporate person. Not that this is the be all and end all of life, but it is where I have been very successful in the past. My older brother in particular has been telling me that I'm not able to work like I did in the past and so I should find something easier. I DON'T WANT EASIER - a bored Suzy is a dangerous woman. I need to be challenged, to feel the adrenaline of solving real problems.
I decided that while I was off work, I would try to reduce my meds. My psychiatrist doesn't agree - he is a pill man; there are no other real solutions except drugs. However, I have managed to drop my Wellbutrin by half, stop taking the Topomax (which was doing a damn fine job keeping me looking svelt) and reduce the sleeping pill by half. So I haven't been on this low amount of medication in a long time. This has to be a good thing.
I am so very stressed right now. I can't seem to get anything done. I just know I will fail if I try. I can't even find the energy to tidy up the house.
There have been a lot of tears lately. And I just don't see what actions I can take to make anything better. I have started drinking again. Never alone, but I have been drinking more than I used to.
On the other hand, I have my strongest ally still with me. He believes I should be working hard to find another position that I can really enjoy, that I should be taking courses and going out and meeting people to do all that networking stuff I should do. He's right, but I'm shy by nature and not good at small talk; especially now I find being around people quite draining. He is the one constant I have in my life and his support has not wavered. Fortunately, he has never gone through a major depression and so cannot really understand how dark and totally hopeless life can seem.
So at the moment I feel very alone. Without a future. With nothing to look forward to. I am not suicidal - I am fam
