Here you go, DJ, some "advice" for what it's worth.... Remember this is just one guy's opinion!!
This Friday night, when your wife has come home from work, you tell her to go and take a nap for an hour and that you'll have a surprise for her when she gets up.
Put a clean table cloth and serviettes (real ones, not paper) over the dining table. Get two big 16oz wine glasses with long stems. Go buy some candle sticks and candles. Get an African violet (or any small flowers) and wrap it a bit with coloured paper and put it in the center of the table. Put some soft music on the stereo (could be classical or Ry Cooder or Rickie Lee Jones...)
Now for the meal.
Buy a small bag of shrimp and a nice dip for hors d'oeuvres ...
If you've no idea how to cook a meal go to your local decent restaurant and buy two take-outs of best steaks and a Caesar salad and then a decent bottle of wine. Get two desserts in a box from the local pastry store... get a small fresh baguette and some small bit of cheese to finish the meal. It's a romantic, candle-lit supper we're going for here... it could be pizza but that's not very candle-lit-like, is it?
Here's the point.
Your son is out staying with a friend or in his room playing Nintendo or whatever - you're alone with the woman you love. You want to talk to her and have her talk to you. Tell her that you're afaid that there's too much distance between you and her. That you need her and love her and will make many sacrifices (you'll change this or that habit) for her. That you're sorry that she is depressed and that it's making you depressed that she is so far away from you and that you want to make it better for both of you... that you appreciate her for all the mothering she's done for your children and for the many years she's been a great wife to you. That you need her to be open and honest with you and that you're ready to have regular "talk" evenings with her in future...
Now, you have to be open to what she is going to say back to you after you've said all this! Let her say what she wants and don't argue. She may want to say things to you that she has bottled up for a long time... let her get them out. Don't interrupt or make excuses or "explanations". LISTEN to her carefully and let her know with your body language that you're HEARING what she is saying...don't be quick to jump in defensively when she finishes a thought and there's a gap in her speech (feel lucky that she is still in love with you enough to be 'angry' with you and finger-pointing at you)... you just sit there and take it until she's exhausted all her pain and frustration.... don't get excited and raise your voice when you decide it's time for you to respond to her... speak softly, apologetically (for having caused pain in her life, if that's the case) - be ready to give her a hug but only when she wants you to ... remember that her emotions are 'up' and raw-ish right now... Take the TIME to think about what she has said... tell her that you're going to think about what she said and when you've worked out a mature response then you tell her what you think... how about next Friday night? Dinner for two - on you??
Patrick
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