Came back from a wonderful holliday trip. I had fun. Talk about the calm before the storm. I had left the cat at the vet's. I told them to examine him too while they are at it. When I went to pick him up today the vet spoke to me. She basically told me he will not get better. She told me he lost weight yet again. She said I should think about putting the cat down before he suffers too much. I brought my cat home. Now I have to think on when I want to call the vet, how I am going to deal with all this. At this moment, I think I am in a weird form of denial. It is like my brain knows what is going on but the rest of me doesn't. I feel really calm. I keep like forgetting what is going on, like this is just another day with the cats at home doing some work. Although I am not working today, just tomorrow and such. And then it hits me, that he will be gone, that I will come home to a house devoid of his presence and then I feel panicked and angry and sad and horrified and my brain cannot wrap itself around what it will be like without my cat there. And then I can't stop crying andI can't breathe and I want to just curl into a ball and not get up again. And then I feel calm again. My husband stayed home to take care of me. I can't seem to get around to doing anything. I just stay there either in pieces or eerily calm but I don'T do anything really. I do not know how to deal with this, I just don't. When he is gone there will be a big whole in my life, so big that I cannot imagine what it will be like.
I feel guilty, like I should have done more for him, more love, more petting, more cuddles, more, just more. He is a wonderful cat. I wish I could have done more for him. I will miss him so much...I feel guilty, like I am getting ready to kill him. And am I not? Should I not feel guilty?
But then I remember, that it is better for him. This way he will not suffer. He will have had a good life and he won't have suffered. It makes me feel a bit better and yet it is not enough to feel ok. I feel like I am staring at a big black hole and am about to be swallowed by it. I am scared and sad and angry, mostly I hurt badly.
Sorry for not taking the time today to answer all your threads. Am feeling exhausted and weird and am having a very very very horrible day. Will be more attentive in the future. Thank you all so much for your time and support.
