I am co-dependent and it is alot of my problem. I had this identified years ago and thought I had made some progress but evidently didn't. It's hard to separate me from it. It seems so a part of who I am, I'd like to break free but the how to eludes me. When I think I've made a step in the right direction I find out I didn't. I'd like to think I'm not that clueless, but aparently I am
hello again,
are you taking any meds for anxiety? it helps! he needs to sort out of his thoughts - cause this won't go away on it's own.
problems never do, they build up into one huge slobbery monster. i don't know about being insightful - i just know desperation. don't like it!! have you read co-dependent no more? it really helped me. it's simple and the truth. some of the chapters: detachment - set yourself free - remove the victim - learn the art of acceptance- anger - feel your own feelings - don't be blown about by every wind. i am a raging codependent! always trying to fix and control and explain and analyze and on and on.
for me i think it started young - my mom and i would drink coffee smoke cigarettes together when i was 12. she would tell me all her problems. i tried to fix her - 38 years later she's still her and i'm still me. tried to fix my first husband, couldn't do it - we were a bad fit from day one. tried to fix my youngest son, couldn't do it and this is what weighs most heavily on me right now!
we have to believe we are worth taking the time for. concentrate on you. feel your own feelings and try to RELAX
Thank you for writing. You are very insightful and I appreciate it. I think that you are correct. I have felt that the more I pull back the more he is around. The more I focus on the problem the less he is around. I guess it's as you wrote, he is so irritated by everything that he can't sort out his thoughts, he just wants it to go away - I can relate.
I do feel desperate because I don't want to lose everything, but my desperation is causing me to. I don't really know how to curb that desperation exactly but I know I have to. I will have to set him free so to speak, I will hope that he returns to me but prepare in case he does not. If he does not he is throwing away an awful lot and I don't understand entirely.
I just wish I could find a way to stop my anxiety so that I don't "act weird". It's hard to work around the terror that I feel. It's hard to think of explaining these things to my son. Wish me luck, I'm going to need that and more.
hello again mom of 3,
i was just about to reply when i read your latest post. i think you hit on the solution for now - let it go. i was going to say that i think we are so alike, we were both probably pushed away as kids and feel "not good enough", not deserving of what everybody seems to take for granted. i have sensed a desperate quality in your posts - i think, i know i get that way. i was going to tell you to not call/text him during the day, let him come to you, in other words. go on with your life, be available, take care of your son. if he cared, your husband would educate himself about depression and knock off the name calling. can you get him to write down his feelings? that really helps here.....sometimes i can't talk, i'm so agitated, so i write it down, review it, edit it, mull it over in my own mind and then i give him finished product - "here read this, this is how i feel and what do you have to say to that?" he prefers to seek me out and hold my hand and talk - face to face. sometimes that works. other times i push him away. other times he writes back and it's usually a well though out reply. we are "forced" to talk also, during our 2mile walk every evening. you've got to try to get on the same page with him, but don't wear yourself out in the process.
My husband says he has not made up his mind about us. He says that I have changed and that if he was forced to make up his mind right now he would leave. I really don't know what to do now. I have communicated that I do not want this and have apologized. He says he loves me and is still here, but that does not add up for me.
Everytime I talk to him about the issues it seems like it's sabotage. He says he just wants me to be "normal" - like I used to be. But I have never been "normal". I don't know if anyone has a perspective on this that is usable but I'd like to know if there is one. I feel like there is nothing I can do to move in the right direction with this. Maybe I should just stop worrying about it and let go of it. Any ideas?
It's so good to hear that your doctor appointment went better than expected and you do not have to go through with the procedure. It is difficult to know when things will change but it is important to focus on the fact that you want things to change. Just by focusing on the possibilities, it will make a huge difference.
Stay determined with your relationship with your husband and let us know how things are going!
Sheba, you are correct. He is depressive but does not own it. If he does not blame me he blames someone or something else. When I was having my problems with my daughter, along with our other stresses, I think he thought he was helping. But in reality he either complained about her or left me alone to figure it out. However, he seemed to judge everything I did or didn't do. Even if nothing is said you feel the loss of connection.
Wildcat, you are also correct about needing to talk but there never seems to be a"good time" for it. So whenever it builds up and I let it out, I am immediately wrong for bringing it up at that particular time - so I am behind from the beginning of the discussion.
This morning I had a meltdown because I was concerned about going to the doctor for a diagnostic test and the stress was too much. I told him that I understood that he was angry with me and that there was no forgiveness - he said that was not true. I told him that when I married him it was for better or worse and I meant it. I will go through "worse" if that's what it takes but would like to work on getting better. I just hope it got through. He told me he loved me. Later I had to call and tell him that I had locked my keys in the car and needed to call a locksmith to get it open - he seemed understanding (I do stupid things when I'm really stressed) I spoke with him twice more today and he seemed ok with me. My doctor appointment went better than I thought it might and I found out that I won't have to have the procedure I was dreading.
Will anything change? I don't know. I hope something does soon because this is driving me crazy, and yes I told him that.
I am not sure that it will make a difference since nothing I have said or done so far seems to. I just had to let him know that even though life is rough it doesn't make much sense to throw everything away and not try. We'll see.
many moons ago I had the chouette that would answer the the charge of I feel ... neglected, lonely, hurt, etc ... with no I did not mean that - no I did not want that - no I did not do that. and there was no issue. No real blame. and he would go on living.
And I once I stopped looking stupidly at him some moons later and repeted what I felt with an explanation. (It took time because I did not get to the women's studies class in different communications till my 3rd year) It does not matter your intension. It was MY interpretation of your action. Please do not repete your action. Ah the first time we exploded ... and 12 years later it is now a signal we need to talk about something.
I do not know much about the long-term relationship with poor communication. Chouette and I babble on and on and on all the time ... our poor kids ... we are just ugly.
But he ever told you for what specifically blames you. For example I don't know two weeks ago you did this and he felt like that. From what i read he seems more like he is depressed and blames you for everything. Especially for your past mistakes. Ok you did some mistakes but where was him? At that time he really tried to help you?
