I admit that I'm not making progress in challenging my core beliefs. I can identify them and understand they are negative and even silly, but I can't seem to change them. It's like they're so ingrained and automatic that they take over without me even knowing it happens. Sometimes when I am aware it's like there's a battle within me. I have a negative core value that some part of me holds true, but then there's another part that can identify it as negative/wrong/silly, but I never seem to be able to conquer the negative.
For instance, I have a negative core value that says I don't deserve help (or anyone to do anything for me). I can't ask for anything without experiencing a horrible guilt trip. I feel like an annoyance, a bother, that I've asked for way too much, that I've crossed the line. My mind knows that this is essentially wrong, I hardly ever ask for anything, and when I do it's after great consideration. I don't really know why I feel that I don't deserve help or attention. I do know that I have been made to feel like I am an annoyance or imposition in childhood. I don't really know of a specific instance that caused me to begin feeling this way, but I do know that I began to fear asking for anything from a very young age. I have tried to ask for things more since this program, although I must admit I have not challenged my core belief very well. I still feel like there's something wrong with me. Something that I don't know about, but everyone else can see, that makes me annoying or an imposition to others.
Even as I write this it sounds silly, so childlike, but very real to me. Some part of me does know that I have worth or I wouldn't be offended by my core beliefs. Just the same I can't reconcile the two, and I feel like I'm crazy since I can't.
I want to be able to feel like I am important to others, otherwise I act in stupid ways, hold back, even avoid. I just can't seem to figure out a way around it. This core belief takes over - I need to find a way to reconcile it but I am getting nowhere.
Anyone have any ideas?