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Having Trouble Challenging

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 185

You have to trust you on this! I know that you can do it!

I've also nearly managed not to feel guilty about my father not feeling very well. My mother had a minor problem during his trip (a videoprojector.... ) and she got in panic.. and he also and felt a little dizzy. Obvously then told me that they are working too hard and that I should finish my PhD. Because they cannot do it longer. And that they are working for me. s.o. I've managed not to feel really bad a little edgy and depressed but anyway not as bad as the last week.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Than k you Goofy,

It was like a weight had been lifted. One of many, but it's a start. I do feel like at least a little celebration is in order, I just hope I can keep it up.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom of 3, Sounds like you did a great job of not taking responsibility for his bad day! I am proud that you didn't let it bother you the rest of the day. Keep working hard at this - I know it is hard work. Sometimes I realize days later, that I took responsibility for something that wasn't mine ( last week with grandma and dad, etc). However, when I do make the realization - I can let that go and it feels like much weight is lifted. I wish I could recognize them each and every time but I'm getting there and it sounds like you are too.

Let's celebrate!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Farayl & Sheba,

Thank you for your support. I am not really sure how all this is going to go. I know down deep inside that I am a caring person. I am human and have flaws but I do try to do and think the right things. With that said, my negative core values interfere and tell me that my flaws are indications that I am not that person, so I am easily beaten down by people's opinions. I am attempting to change that dynamic but it will take time.

This morning my husband was in a bad mood when I spoke to him on the phone. I always call him in the morning and this morning I found out he had just learned of a problem, I said I'd let him go so he could take care of it. This made him irritated and he said if he needed to go he'd let me know. I did tell him about our son's morning but then said I'd let him go so he could take care of his problem. Then he made a nasty comment about my offering, like I didn't want to talk to him. I told him I didn't want to get in the way of his work and be an irritation. He said he was irritated with me because I kept offering to let him go. (At this point I really did want to get off the phone and he really didn't have anything more to tell me.) When I got off the phone I was very upset, I felt beaten down. Then I realized that I did not cause the problem he had at work. His irritation was not caused by me and he was the person who did not handle the call correctly. I was simply trying to be supportive whether he thought so or not. I felt better then, I realized that I did nothing irritating and it wasn't me. I decided to go on with my day and not worry about it. I did text him that I hoped his day was better, but I didn't dwell on it all day like I would normally have done. I think that was a success, even if I was the only one who knew about it. I felt more in control of me and that was better that allowing his comments to control me.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 823

Hi Mom of 3, I am so glad to read that you have had a revelation of sorts into how your history has shaped you and who it is that you truly are today. Shifting your mental processes to create a different outcome is challenging but also very rewarding because it helps you to gain control of yourself. I hope that you will find something each day to help you redefine who you are. Faryal, Health Educator

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 185

While finding who you are is important not to be afraid of what comes out. At least for me. I'm still afraid of asserting who I am. In the back of my soul I know hwo I am but I am afraid of being myself. Why? Simply because my parents wouldn't agree with this.

First of all I am a human and I deserve respect for this. I have my own interests and my own dreams.

I love nature, I love dogs, helping animals... and I hate office work. Ok I like informatics but I think that is not the way I should live. It is not my nature.... also it is not my nature having others to decide for me...

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi All,

I actually read Wildcat and Sheba's post this am and have been reflecting on them since. Wildcat I thank you for your post, you have wonderful insight and your question added with Sheba's thoughts kept me reflective all day. I don't think I really know who I am. I am like Sheba's sign off - searching for myself. I don't think I've had to endure quite the obstacles Wildcat has had to battle. I am more like Sheba in that the issues are more covert and manipulative (her parent issues)

Like Goofy says, it doesn't really matter where it comes from, it's here and it needs to go. For too long I have been a performance based individual. Shame and blame play a big part in my existence and is what is causing me issues now. Maybe I am too hard on myself, I'm not that hard on anyone else.

Today I decided to find the real me, not the one that everyone wants me to be but the person I am or want to be. I started by deciding that I am not going to be so willing to accept blame. I am also refusing to be so upset about everything. I will adopt Diva's saying - This too shall pass, and move on. I need to have a life that is meaningful and this is not. So today when my husband paged that he was having a bad day today, I immediately paged back that I hoped it would get better. When I spoke with him I asked what had happened and discussed it with him. When I got home I gave him a hug and kiss and asked how he was doing. The evening is going better, not major change but better. Maybe it's just that I refused to be down about it. I hope I can continue. Maybe I don't really know who I am, but I know that this is not me. I will continue to search until I have a me to define to you. Thank you all so much for writing, you have helped me by challenging me where I could not find a way to do it myself. Today has been a better day! Thank you!!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

There's a poem I read somewhere I wish I could find it - it says something like this:

The presence of what would deface me, has made me a beautiful thing. Maybe one of you can help me remember who wrote and the rest of it....it had words like the cleft in the bottom of the sea. It was talking about erosion, but that erosion which is perceived to be negative had made such beautiful landscapes. I hope you get what I'm trying to say here.

end line - I agree with wildcat and sheba!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 185

Wildcat has a good point. Ahat makes you the great person that are you now?

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi. I mentioned in a few other places that my father was ill for many years and made growing up a difficult task for me. Well many of the the things my Father said and thought of me and Said to me were lies; complete fabrications. This man was supposed to love me and teach me to become an adult and thought I was nothing more than a female dog in heat. He left nasty messages about when I should return home from my late shift in the red-light-districts and give signs of life to my poor worried family - him. He described the loving person that is now (19 years later) my chouette as my prositution broker

and so on.

day after day

my answering machine tape full.

You do not know how much I cried. Maybe I was this nasty horrible person disgusied and someday everyone would know. Maybe I would be as shunned and rejected as a cegep and then university student like I was in high school - because everyone knew this truth. -not that one or two people were so insulted by my father when they called me and were afraid-

I know about how it is to hate your very existance. I have prayed everynight for years -since i was younger than my daughter- to be taken away from this life. I though Cinderella and snow-white were lucky girls.

It still hurts. sorry.

But it was all from the outside. No one knew the pain I was in and I did not know how to express it. I was ashamed of it. I was nearly caught once or twice by good teachers, and learned to hide better!!! I became mediocre.

that was then. That was them. I learned that I had to get to know the person I am. I learned not to focus on those few words. I have gone over every tone, every sylable, every cut and scar. It was like picking at a scab...

I never saw myself as being to exgient ... I hid everything but the smile and caring face. I hid everything but the performing and slightly-ambitious good-girl. I accepted nothing nothing but perfect and made sure my image and message was perfectly understood- good-girl. It was not being being hard, it was protection. It was a mask i had to have like ... lipstick.

but since, I have had time to go over these hurts. And I know these pains do not make me a better person. I am not a that dog nor street worker. I know my father was a sick confused man that scared the bejeges out of everyone whose live he touched. I know that I had to learn what makes a person important and I had to discover that in me.

So M-o-3 you know what hurts and what makes each day difficult.

but...

What makes you you a person?

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