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for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 142

hello again wdc,
hate is a really strong word - there is no reason to hate yourself for not being martha stewart! try just keeping bedroom clean and bright - figure you spend 8-12 hours in there. there's nothing better than slipping into clean, crisp sheets and having a nice table with lamp, books, peppermint tea, kleenex (for those inevitable tears) and flowers! i smoke, so i put a box fan in the window pointing out so all the smoke goes outside. your troubles at school and in social activities sound like an anxiety disorder. have you taken any medications for that? baskets are a great way to stay organized. i find if i put things in drawers i forget about them if things are in full view, i won't forget and will do what i need to do when i can find the motivation. speaking about humiliating things - is alcohol a problem for you? - i was the queen of self humiliators when
i was drunk! quitting that is a good step in right direction for anyone with mood disorders. take it from me

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi wdc,

I fluxuate between being OCD about everything and being totally irresponsible about everything. You are not alone. I feel like a loser and a slob most days. Once I start to clean I find that it is never perfect and I get stuck in the details - what would take someone else minutes takes me hours. Then I become overwhelmed and do nothing because I can't do it perfectly and it will just get messed up again anyway.....

It is a shameful way to live. I dread someone coming over, even after I clean I am sure that they see everthing I missed or didn't do and know I'm a loser. I feel I live in clutter but sorting it out is overwhelming. It is a vicious cycle.

It seems most all my energy goes to getting through work. I've done better lately but it takes alot of effort. I am pushing myself to continue and there are still some things that I'm still not taking on, but I feel a sense of accomplishment in what I have been able to do. I'm not sure it will continue but I hope it does.

All I'm saying is that I understand how you feel. Do what you are able and set goals for what you are not able to do - small steps are important. It may be helpful but will take time. Let us know how you're doing.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Breanne, the best laid plans of mice and men.... I too have difficulty at home keeping the house clean, taking care of chores, I know I've mentioned it but I have help from others in this capacity. I am able to work 8 hours a day but barely, my work environment is very accommodating. I spend a lot of time getting organized, setting goals, thinking about things, but don't seem to have the energy to move physically and mentally challenging things like balancing a checkbook and keeping up with what has been paid is too much. I would be embarrassed if anyone I knew (family) came over and saw my house most days. When I was not working, I didn't do these things either. It seems getting up and going to work - floats my boat, so to speak. I don't know, I don't get it, you'd think if I could work, I'd be able to manage the other stuff. Still it doesn't seem to be that way - yet! I always have hope that I can get it all back even if I have to have meds and therapy and CBT ongoing, I can get it back.

My son is an attorney for a small city near here and once a month he has to go to their city meeting. So tonight I had to come home and take the trash out, empty the trash cans and take it to the road....it took me forever to do this simple chore. I'd get sidetracked. I feel scatterbrained. I'd sit and rest. (I walk on a treadmill everyday, what's up with resting over trash?). It makes me feel lazy! I did it and I've patted myself on the back - usually I just skip this week! I should write this under successes (joking) what a success -taking the trash out! Why do such simple tasks become so complex and so physically and mentally demanding? I mean trash, it seems so trivial. I used to do it everyday!

Any insight?

wdc, that's my term, faking it, I do it 8 hours a day and come home, do this and go to bed. I sit in filth until I get some help, I have the power of attorney with my son. I give up on relationships, I tried again not too long ago. I don't have the energy for that either, though the company would be nice. I live by myself and fear that I will grow too content being here by myself. I acutally like it and I don't answer the door, answer the phone, or interact with anyone, except family. (dad, grandmother, son and his family). I hate going places to shop because I live in such a small town I know I'll see someone I know and I don't want to talk. I want to do my business and go home. I take my granddaughter to the playground, but go when noone else is there. I think you know where I am coming from....it sucks, but right now, I'm thankful for being able to fake it 8 hours a day. I try to find something to be thankful for each and every day!

Today sucked at work! It was h***!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 1693

wdc,

Take your time reading through the responses. You have received some great advise and support. Focus on trying to make yourself feel happy. Make a list of goals, and work on them one by one. Perhaps you could start with keeping your apartment clean, and then you could move onto other things such as finding a hobby that you enjoy doing and sticking to it. Set goals for yourself, for example, make your bed every morning and make sure the dishes are done. Make a cleaning schedule, or work on ways to help keep you organized. Focus on what's good in your life, and on what makes you happy.

As you know, we're always here for you.

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 23

@goofy So sorry about your mom. Sounds just terrible. The worst. You certainly have done amazing things. Raising a wonderful son AND school! Wow. What's up with your ex? $2 a week??

I am so envious of people who have people in their lives. I am at a loss. I don't know what to say to people anymore. I can barely respond here and I KNOW depression. So talking to people in general is virtually impossible. I used to be able to fake it enough to have a friend and a boyfriend here and there. In the end I never kept in touch with anyone because I would do something humiliating or they would find out something I just couldn't live with. For example, I have never been able to keep my apartments clean. I live in total disorganization and mess. I used to be able to sort of control it outside of the house but my mind seems so disorganized now too, I can't tell if it's worse or if I am noticing it more. Over the past handful of years I've lost the things I used to wish for, so I can't even talk about hobbies or things that interest me. There really isn't anything. I question everyting I do and I never know what is wrong, what is right. What I should do what I should say what I should think. I am not describing this accurately. I very literally have no idea who I am. My father has power of attorney. I begged him to so that he could write my checks to pay my rent. I never pay bills properly. He does it. I hear from him if there is not enough money in the bank. Which always happens after the check has bounced because he won't check the account 1st. He will write and deliver the check... I know it is an extra burden for him but no matter how many times I tell him I would check the account if I could he just won't do it and I get the lecture about how stupid I am (he doesn't say stupid) and I have to pay a million extra fees. And feel horribly guilty.

I am lost now in what I was talking about and why....

When i first discovered the depression i couldn't understand how medication could work because how can you relieve depression when you are depressed about being a loser? I mean all of the things that I hated about myself were things to hate... my disorganization, my trouble with school, my trouble with social activities. I never even considered that depression may have caused these things. I wonder why. I wonder why no doctors or medication could help.

Oh God i am crying uncontolably now and I wanted to go though your comments and everyone elses but I think I have to go. I suppose I could save it and come back but I probably won't so I am pressing the reply button...

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

well, obviously I had a relationship when I was 16, my son was the result. I do have a dad, a grandmother(97), a brother and some extended family. Family is Very important to me. I have attempted other relationships. That one wasn't a good one...I am co-dependent(my father is an alcoholic). I married an alcohol at 16, physically abusive, verbally abusive (we were the same age). I got divorced on my son's first birthday which was two days before graduation from high school and two weeks after my 18th birthday. I've been a single parent ever since(29 years in May). My first depression episode was about that time. I had two other relatively minor ones, relative to this one, which as I mentioned early has been quite debilitating. I went on to get my B.S degree and while I was working, got my Master's and almost a PhD before the depression hit. I lack my dissertation (actually just 6 hours of it). My dad is still an active alcoholic, my mother is deceased. I put my son through law school, his father contributed (if you calculate his graduation gift) $2.00 a week toward his B.S. and law degree. I am very proud of my parenting skills as well as my own education. I hope some day to use it again! Completing the PhD doesn't seem quite so important to me anymore, when my mother passed away two years ago, it changed my perspective on a lot of things in life. That is just one of them.

I've attempted some relationships but they are painful to think about - all are with people who have addiction disorders! That's not an exaggeration.

I got 15 phone calls the day mom died (unexpectedly at work) re: her death. I had two people knock on the door, I couldn't get out of bed. When I finally did, I called my son as he had called and he told me momma died, he was coming home from where he worked a few hours away. Well, my response after that is not fodder for here, it's over and done with! Thank God for benzo's!

I understand one sentence at a time. I've been there. I have to take breaks and three people posted their replies, before I got mine done last time. It takes a while. Leave come back, sit, think, remember, retype, spell check, leave, come back.....you get my point. Sometimes it just flows (the words). Whatever it takes, just keep communicating!

You've never had a relationship with a significant other? It is okay to not have had one, I actually admire you if this is the case.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 23

you have a lot of family for someone who hasn't had a relationship (it takes me forever to respond in full so a sentence at a time- sorry!)

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

wdc, I hope "this is it" doesn't refer to your not posting anymore!

I do have a grandchild. My son is an attorney (lol, one of the few not in DC though I have a second cousin who is an attorney there). My son married a beautiful (inside and out) woman with a young daughter (she will be two Oct. 10th). I am officially a grandmother last week as he adopted her. I'm 46 and he's soon to be 30, so I started young with my only child, a gift! Oh and to tell you about my granddaughter, she calls me BB and she's absolutely wonderful and is talking very good a few complete sentences, jumps and runs and we go to the park and to see Elmo, and to amusement parks - she is what little fun I have - but it is great fun. My son understands when the depression gets bad, I don't do those things or babysit when it is and he has to help me with my finances, home care and everything else but work! He has Power of Attorney over my affairs as I don't do so good with lots of things, I need that right now. Oh to brag on my son, he's a prosecutor!

I retired from the federal government on disability retirement. I was a counselor.. I can live off what I receive, but I need to work for my mental health. I have a full-time job but not in counseling. It is lowest level job but at a Mental Health facility so I couldn't ask for a more understanding work environment and I got the "pick of the litter" in terms of counselors there. I work as a monitor for residents in treatment for alcohol and drug rehabilitation. I applied for SSDI but I didn't qualify and/or pursue it beyond that - I wanted to go back to work eventually and that would have been a deterant to me. Luckily I was vested after 3 years and could get disability retirment. I was on FMLA the last year I worked there - worked part-time just enough to pay the bills. I make little more than minimum wage, scaled back on my expenses, drive a paid for car, and am able to pay my mortgage. Fortunately, the month my disability retirement came through, my son passed the bar exam - whew! A blessing (but I won't preach.) I don't know if you are familiar with a GAF on the DSM-IV-TR axis diagnosis, but it hasn't been above a 57 since this all started in 2004.

I have an opinion, they are plentiful - take 'em or leave 'em but you need a doctor you can see on a on-going consistent basis and be able to call and talk about how meds are effecting you and if issues arise that need immediate attention. I would encourage you, more opinion, to check out the John Hopkins thing. Maybe there is public transportation available. And in 1990, was the American with Disabilities Act. Your employer has to provide a reasonable accommodation if you can perform the essential functions of your job. I admire you for working in a day care - I know I couldn't do it - pre-depression!

You can go on-line to www.ssa.gov and it will calculate the amount of disability you would be able to recieve, I think. It is based on past earnings. Social Security Insurance is based on income and it is more like a welfare type program for people who have no income and no work history. Sometimes people are eligible to vote. Don't forget the years as a tax payer - so don't deny yourself, if you decide that is where you need to go.

Here, a town of 10,000 and no public transportation a car is a necessity to just get a loaf of bread! If you can get by without the added expense of a car, maintenance, insurance, etc., I would do that, especially with not having decided what is in your best interest in terms of job, disability etc.

I unde

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 1693

Members,

You have all shared some excellent support and advice. We encourage you all to Launch your Instant Messenger and your Blogs, and add one another to IM so you can chat and exchange information regarding other supports and services. If you have any question regarding IM or the Blogs please contact us through feedback.

Keep up the great work everyone

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 142

hello wdc,
hon, there's no supposing.....you're not alone there! either you were brought up very formally and good girls should be seen and not heard or? you're desperately depressed and need antidepressants like yesterday! even walk in clinic doc can prescribe them ask for generic - way cheaper. don't give up on them, medicine improves every day. then once you can think clearly (it is possible -) again - you will feel hopeful! that was the last thing out of pandora's box. what we are all going through, is nothing
new under the sun. some day even, you will have meaningful relationships - but only once you love (or at least accept) yourself. why did you remove your picture? you're pretty. and looked young and slim....(i'm jealous)....you have alot going for you, really, no matter what you've already been through and what you are currently thinking. believe me, i'm 50 (that was a surreal day), i think i've either felt, read about or seen all the forms we humans take. ive decided to love bad rose306 but try to keep her reined in - let her out with the punching bag! dare to sound like how you really feel, you're entitled

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