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for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 142

dear mom of 3,
still no progress with husband? i'm sorry to hear that. the ones you need the most can also hurt you the most. you don't have 3 heads, you have one that works just fine, but is out of sync with significant other. i woke up yesterday and decided i hated my husband! i was dwelling and wallowing and ruminating like one of those cows across the street chewing her cud all day long. i wrote him a 5 page letter this time! bringing up stuff from years ago. i told him i expected 5 pages back by sunday - so he could come with me to my next psychologist appt. i think we may have similiar issues - he didn't get along with my son- says he wasn't respectful enough, not responsible enough, etc. my son was just diagnosed with mdd/gad, just like poor ole mom. i asked my husband why judge him so harshly, when you give me slack? are you enabling me? are you just a selfish sob who thinks about #1? you probably feel caught in the middle - my recurring dream is to sell house/split up get in the car and just DRIVE! leave them both behind and to hell with it. do i need this stress? hell no! sometimes, i think we're together, because it's easier to stay together than go through all the selling and packing and and and....i love him, but he really doesn't get me!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom of 3,

I didn't tell many people I was depressed either. I thought it was embarrassing, people wouldn't understand, I'd get looked at like I had three heads.

I recently decided to participate in a NAMI walk (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill). A person solicits donations and then goes and walks 3.1 k in support of NAMI. NAMI is an organization that advocates and educates. I packed around a typed, address and stamped group of letters that I wrote to 25 people for over a month, many of whom did not know about my depression. Saturday, I finally had the courage to mail those out. Part of the letter read "Many of you may not know, I was diagnosed with MDD in 2004" blah blah blah, support the cause.

I've always responded to "you sure are young to be retired!" "how did you retire so soon?" and various other comments, by stating "hard work and lots of sacrafice" - a very true statement, I may add. But in reality I retired due to my disability (I hate that word, too) and receive disability retirement through my former employer.

I know at this point you are wondering where is she going with all this....my point is mailing out those letters, responding to questions differently is part of my accepting that I am the way I am (not that I can't get better!). To me it also advocates, dispells myths and the stigma, because most of those people didn't know about my depression know about me personally, my accomplishments in life and belief system (spirituality).

As far as telling other people, I think that is an individual choice based on individual situations. I just know what a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I dropped those letters in that mail box. I don't have to explain it to anybody, now they just know. I'll still answer "none of your business type questions and smart-elic responses" the same way! It is also very very different to drop a letter in a box than to sit down and talk or phone conversation regarding this type of health issue. Do what you feel comfortable with - what you can live with regarding your depression.

Wow, wdc, I hope you realize how easy it is to start sharing something, hope you join in, look forward to hearing from you!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi wdc

Welcome to the forum! The support here is great and the program is simple and easy to follow. This is a great place to vent because no one judges you. The people here really understand what depressed people feel like and the advice is priceless. No amount of therapy can give you the support structure like this forum. Post often and stick to the program- it really has given me hope.....

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Goofy,

I don't tell many people I have depression. They just see my mask and assume they know me. I don't let many people close, my husband is one that I did and now I still have nothing. I have major trust issues and my latest problems have made them worse. I feel that, except for here, I have no outlet.

This is why I think wdc would find this a good place to be. I can let "me" out without anyone looking at me like I have 3 heads. You all don't need hear me speak my words in "the wrong tone" or see my tears. I can just say what I need to and I don't have anyone telling me I was wrong for doing so. Many times I also get a perspective that helps me with my pain and that's a bonus.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom of 3, I know you weren't talking specifically to me, but I can totally relate. If I hear "you don't look depressed"....I want to scream. If I laugh or seem happy - "see you aren't depressed". Geez, it is so frustrating because I wish how I was on the outside is how I felt on the inside!

On a more positive note, that's why we are here and we are learning - we've talked about that and the things we've learned in other threads.

wdc, I hope you'll let us know how you are doing and what challenges you are facing right now!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi wdc,

I just saw your picture, is that you? The person in the photo looks happy and is surrounded by children who look happy to be around her. If that's you, I would guess that there's alot of people who view you like that picture looks and would never guess the pain you feel inside - am I right? People tell me that all the time - I get things like "you're so strong", "you always know what to do (how to handle things)" etc. I am NOTHING like that inside. Does this happen to you? It's hard to deal when people expect something different than how you feel inside. You end up masking and get good at it. I'm tired of it, I realize that I don't know who I really am!

I hope you'll stick around and give this a try. I have trouble with hope and feel alone and negated myself, there has to be answers for people like us. Please let us know how you are.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 142

hello wdc,

mom of 3 (hello) is right - this is the place to "let it out"! if that is you in the picture you sure don't look alone - you're surrounded by little ones. i think alot of us have been depressed like you 20-30+ years. does it run in your family? do you have any family left? this program and group can be very helpful - in fact my browser went baloooey a couple of days ago and i couldn't sign in here. very frustrating! finally switched over to explorer and it seems to be ok. you are not alone! and anything you say here will be understood by some or all. give it a chance, you already did actually so keep it going. what is yourdiagnosis? what meds have you taken? don't apologize for sounding negative - that's all a part of depression. just talk honestly, tell us what's up with you - and don't worry about putting a positive spin on it.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Welcome wdc,

I look forward to hearing from you more! We all lean on each other a bit and learn a lot. No criticism, but lots of support, feedback, insight and somewhere to turn - where people really understand!

See your posts soon I hope!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi wdc,

Your post is a very sad one. It seems that you have tried many things to overcome your depression and having no luck.

It is so difficult to pick yourself up when all you feel is pain. You don't say what is causing your pain but I suspect there is a very sad story connected - let it out!!. Not because I'm curious, but because there is such release in letting go of what holds you down. You hide - even your posts are veiled which means you have been judged in the past and fear the same here. But judgement is not what this site is about. We're all in pain from our depression, misery does not love company, but we do love to encourage each other to do what we need to to rise above the pain. Challenging your negative thoughts is a real way to get a handle on your depression and this site decribes the steps through the sessions. Not easy, and if you read alot of my posts, it doesn't look like I'm making much progress. I can be very negative but no one has ever told me to "cheer up" on here. I get ideas/perspectives and from that comes hope because it makes me think in ways I would not left with me and depression to figure it out.

I know you don't have hope and have done many things without success, but I'll bet you think that you don't deserve better than your depression. I would also guess that you don't see yourself as deserving of much consideration at all. I know that feeling, perhaps everyone here does too. I want to tell you that you deserve much more than your post says you've gotten so far. Please, wdc, start your sessions today and let us know how you're doing.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi wdc,

Welcome in this great forum & support group!
I think I sense why Brenna says "of course". It could be the lot of positive reactions and results and the expressions of appreciation & thanking for this great tool ..
... and for making it public on the Internet and available for people like you who are still searching for ways of getting better and so they still hope

I think, as Mom of 3 and Wildcat and Sheba say, no one will ever judge you because you're depressed - please don't think we expect you "should" be more positive. I guess we all have experienced times of having absolutely no energy for anything - so I have had that too. I've been so depressed that each single day was just a fight to survive, to get home in any possible way from work - I've no idea how I could manage not to quit my part time job as I was always thinking about quitting. Thankfully I haven't done that and I work full time currently .
I also took medication over several years, not as long as you say though. I can't really say what all have worked together so well that I could stop taking medications but I definitely think, that a major part of the reasons is thank to this website and the great members & moderators.

Please give it a try, I'm very confident you'll find at least some very useful "tools" to deal with depression. Great to see how members experience support and working tipps through these discussions and through the individual lessons.

Let us know when you're stuck

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