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This is huge and I doubt my strength

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This is huge and I doubt my strength

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 142

winston churchill called his depression the black dog that threatened to devour him

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Byblion, I am so glad you are continuing to communicate and to sound like a broken record - very intelligently and eloquently (uh we don't get paid to say anything on here

). If we don't mean it, we don't say it! I'm glad you recognize those positive things about you! I can't wait until you discover the rest of the list. I'm discovering new things with every step I take. I'm in a rut with Step 3, but realized the program didn't mean I was on anyone's schedule but my own. It is helping me tremendously and it seems that being able to communicate with others who say exactly what I want to say, feel the way I feel makes me feel less alone in my battle. I hope it does for you as well.

I can rattle sometimes, not make sense sometimes and everyone seems to know what I'm saying or least helps me figure it out! I can't rant and rave and carry on and someone will rein me in. It is THE most beneficial thing I've participated in for my depression in terms of getting inside me and seeing there is something besides a shell! The meds do help in the meantime.

I look forward to more intelligent and eloquent communication, as well as any other way you need to express yourself.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

One of my favorite songs is "Freak on a Leash" by Korn. It fits how I feel most of the time. I'm very good at identifying those negatives. It's my positives that I have trouble with. We are not so different even with the big pond between us.

Some people don't need to be encouraged to think well of themselves, we do for whatever reason. Hang in there byblion, you are worth it!

Now let's talk hockey - What NHL team do you follow? My team is the Washington Capitals, mainly because it was my husband's favorite team. The first game I went to was in DC, so they are "my team". I will watch or go to almost any hockey game and I play in two fantasy hockey leagues (being female and athletically disinclined I've never played for real). Of course, my favorite player is Ovechkin, but have many close favorites otherwise.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom of 3, you've been in my head and written down what you found there:

'Depression is my keeper, it is a demon that I knowingly or unknowingly serve. There are days when it is easier to be depressed than to fight it. It is easier to believe that I'm worthless than to pick myself up and prove the thought wrong. These thoughts have been with me so long, there is a weird comfort in what I'm used to. Then there's the feeling that I've been wronged by these thoughts and experiences in my life. It angers me and I want to fight it. Other people have self esteem, other people do not have to live under this dark cloud.'

Uncanny. maybe I'm not such a freak. There really are other people who feel the same way I do.It is easier some days just to let it take over, and comfortable because I'm used to it, it's predictable and feels safe even though it's destroying me. Just lie in bed and pull up the covers and ain't nothing can touch me, right? Trouble is, that's wrong, because I brought the enemy to bed with me, but many times it's just right to roll over and make room for that ole black demon, maybe even give it a kiss.

I like to watch hockey too, though I'm too much of a physical coward to ever play it.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Ah Byblion You are more insightful than you know. I'm glad to see you've found some good things to write about yourself. Some of those are big accomplishments and you deserve to have them recognized. Having a good relationship with your sons is a great accomplishment. Controlling your use of drugs and alcohol and your temper are also big pluses. I'm sure we'll find out many other good things about you. You do have an intelligent and eloquent way of expressing yourself.

I relate to what you wrote about your depression - so I have a way to go also. I think about it this way...

Depression is my keeper, it is a demon that I knowingly or unknowingly serve. There are days when it is easier to be depressed than to fight it. It is easier to believe that I'm worthless than to pick myself up and prove the thought wrong. These thoughts have been with me so long, there is a weird comfort in what I'm used to. Then there's the feeling that I've been wronged by these thoughts and experiences in my life. It angers me and I want to fight it. Other people have self esteem, other people do not have to live under this dark cloud. I decide that I want that and I begin to fight. It is the fight that I must keep in mind and not give in to depression, it is my enemy. Keep fighting byblion!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Can I propose one quality?

you are very expressive. You do a great job of using written language to express your-self and to describe your state.

*your black devil

*your illness is your defining quality

(those with other illnesses also go through this, I am Diabetic. I am ADDHD. I am GAD.).

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Five good things about myself? Now there's a test, but having thought about it, it does shed light on what a low opinion I have of myself, as it was so difficult to think of a good quality that I didn't then qualify with a big 'but...' . My counsellor kept telling me how intelligent and eloquent I am, but I know she was just doing her job. I was flattered but not altogether convinced. I suppose if I try, I can say that (i) I'm not arrogant or overbearing (ii) I have a good relationship with my sons and a workable, if distant and limited, one with my partner (iii) It's many years since I got intoxicated on drink or drugs (iv) I'm not physically violent towards other people (objects are another matter entirely) (v) I don't argue with colleagues and clients at work no matter how much I might feel like it.

Well, I've read the first session of the program and completed my first day's activity/mood chart, and done the depression test. So I'm making an effort and feeling a little more positive just for doing that, though my big dark devil keeps tapping me on the shoulder and tells me it's not worth trying, and that I'll just fail as I always do. I'm also worried that later on in the program it will ask me to do things that make me want to run away and hide under a stone, like talking to people socially, approaching strangers, eating in company......and then I will have to admit failure because I just can't do these things.

I suppose I'm not unique in the feeling that 'my' depression is somehow special - other peoples' might respond to CBT or other therapies, but not mine, because it's MINE and it's TOO STRONG for that, and it's my defining quality, it's the controller of my life, and does not allow itself to be hoodwinked or broken, and it will win in the end. We can scratch positive quality number 1, because that is terribly arrogant thinking on my part, and surely warped because it hints at taking pride in my depression, valuing it and protecting it, seeing it as almost a living entity that walks with me. Ouch! I have a way to go, for sure.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi byblion,

I think the others have given you good advice and I don't want to repeat but rather give you encouragement. I've been doing the sessions since June and I'm stuck on sessions 7 & 8. I don't have a good enough handle on them to move on, so I don't. I'm practicing what I've learned (and relearn), when I get a good grasp on these I will move on. I've had depressive symptoms since childhood. I didn't always know what it was but I recognize the feeling from very young memories. It's been a long road and I am tired. There is part of me that is skeptical that anything will work, but I try to keep that thought at bay. I need to have hope that I can at least get better and have more of a life than I have now. This is why I'm here and why you're here too.

I'm not looking to change everything about myself, just those things that are holding me back. Someone here told me to write 5 good things about myself once when I was very low. It helped me to realize that while there are bad things about me that I don't like, I do have my good points. What are 5 good things about you byblion? I know there's more than that, but let's start there. Don't give up, you deserve better than what your depression is giving you.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 142

hi bybillion,
was going to write more but starting thinking like you said - it is massive! but doable and you're going to be where you're going to be 5-10 years from now anyway and if you can work now to make those years better, let's do it! right? you're not tearing everything down and rebuilding - you're identifying those things that make you (me/us) feel "less than".
and working on that one day at a time. try to find a good psychiatrist or gp and give antidepressants a chance. at least, it will take the edge off, the suicidal feelings go away and you can feel a little hopeful and try to stick with it one day at a time

ps tell your gut to just get on the bus cause there's a new sheriff in town

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 12049

bybilion,

Please know that we are here for support and knowledge. By sharing with us, we can relate and assist you. The members do know where you are coming from. The Depression program is designed by doctors and can be of great help to you. So do take your time and start by taking the depression test. This test can be taken to your doctor to help assess the situation better for you both.

You are important enough to rescue and we are here to help. Take it one day at a time and be actively involved in your progress. You can do this, so take it step by step, we are ready when you are.

Josie, Health Educator

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This is huge and I doubt my strength