hello everyone.
this is my first week here.
i am not an english native speaker, so sometimes i might write something wrong.
i apologise for it in advance.
i got here through my boyfriend, who didn't know what depression was until i told him i had it.
well, my case is:
i found out i had depression 7 years ago.
i used to feel a misfit, hate myself, i wasn't worth or good enough, wanted to die and so on. no self-esteem at all.
i followed my treatment, took all the medicines i had to take and when i didn't have to take them anymore and had just to see a therapist every once in two weeks, i thought it wasn't for real that i would have to be "under maintenance".
i thought: "no way! i have been cured!"
few years ago i began with some symptoms... very similar to those i used to feel when my depression was trigged, but differing regarding self-esteem.
nowadays i feel very confident, i feel i am worth, i am a good person. above all a very human person and that's what makes me feel bad, because i see the world as a beast. i feel as if i was the last good person who lives in a horrible and cruel insensitive world.
i still feel a misfit, but the other way round.
i see the world as my enemy, i see everything as an obstacle for my life to be carried on.
and from a year ago up to nowadays i've been constantly thinking about suicide again.
i've been so hopeless...
today i went to the doctor for the first time after 7 years. actally i went to the general practice in order to be refered to some kind of treatment.
on friday i'll have to go back there and hand in a questionaire (nine symptom depression checklist), from then the doctor will be able to prescribe me some kind of medicine and then refer me to the apropriate treatment.
i hope these suicidal thoughts will leave me alone pretty soon.
i hope i'll carry on with a good self-esteem and seeing the world as something neutral at the same time.
i hope i'll leave a normal live soon.
