Im new here today. I have been suffering a severe depressive episode for a year now, meds not working really well. I now realize that over the last 35 years I have had depression on and off, starting just months after having encephalites age 12, - an illness that at the time was only diagnosed as the "flu". Afterwards I realized it was no ordinary flu, too many strange things happened - and I was not treated properly in the hospital either. At times, it has been a living HELL. At times I just want to die to get rid of the HELL I live in. Meds dont work, counselling so far is not working, I just want out so I can escape. I dont like being negative, but I dont know how to escape. After having been sick, I just did not feel the same- like some small part of me "died". I forgot how to make a bed, it freaked me out, - mother thought I was joking!. There are things I dont really understand. Its like having a text book with a few paragraphs here and there erased. I dont know the topic of the material, just that there is an "empty" space there. It was this past year I finally realized that I have had depression, although I always "knew" what it was, I never thought it was "me". I am still finding out things that have happened to me as a result of that illness, cronic fatigue being another one. At times I feel so angry about not being treated properly before going to the hospital, and during. I feel angry that after, no one took my literal cries for help seriously. I felt so extremely isolated, lonely, rejected with no one to talk to. I did not even know what was wrong, just that something was not "right". I had no words to describe what I felt like. My parents even admitted to "forgetting" about me at times, - just do your work! I was labelled as being lazy, not putting any effort in, not being dilegant. Physically after, I would no longer be able to keep up with the other boys on the sports field. I did not understand why. I still dont. I'm at the point where at times I dont even want to bother trying anymore. At times I'm scared, terrified. At times I dont know what to do or where to turn. Age 14 almost tried suicide, but was too exhausted to do it, and became terrified. I did try it last summer, still here. I look back and realize that suicidal thoughts started I'm guessing about 8 months after having been sick. I dont want to live with all those thoughts, I want to escape from it all.
