Hi,
Just started today. I guess I would have to say that I've suffered from depression, in varying degrees, ever since I was a teenager. This is by far the worst I've ever been. On the evening of January 30th I attempted suicide with a combination of ambien and tramadol. I ended up in the hospital for a few days, the "locked" ward. I was discharged with the assurance that they had contacted the mental health coordinator at my HMO and they would have something setup for me within a couple of days, an appointment with a shrink to prescribe an antidepressant, and a therapist for me to see on a regular basis. It's been a month and the shrink that they sent me to tells me I don't need drugs that I need an intense treatment program, my HMO tells me that they do not have this nor do they contract with any other providers for this service.
Can you believe that crap? Managed health care.....isn't "managed" and doesn't provide "health care"....go figure. Maybe they are just hoping that I'll kill myself to save them from the cost of treating my ongoing health problems.
Anyway, how did I get here? I guess I've been hanging on by a thread for a couple of years but then several events happening at the same time just caused that thread to snap. In October I got my dream job, or at least a job in my dream profession, actually my college degrees. Shortly after starting my job as a Microbiologist I became ill and naturally my HMO spent four months ignoring me when I told them what was causing the problem and made me do all sorts of pointless crap that didn't help, while my pain grew worse and ended up having to take some pretty strong prescription pain killers that made me really spacey and I got fired....despite my informing my employer that this was all going on. Now that I've lost my job I'm finally scheduled for surgery next week. While this was going on the man that I have been romantically involved with and living with for six years ended the relationship, claiming that he couldn't handle my depression symptoms anymore, but I suspect he just wanted to screw around with a clear conscience. We are still living together, just not sleeping in the same bedroom, except for one night a couple of weeks ago. The night that I attempted suicide he had told me that he slept with two other people already, and we'd only been broken up for about a month at the time. I've also been dealing with my 13 year old cat having mammary cancer. Two surgeries and four chemo treatments since the beginning of September. So basically I've either lost and am in danger of losing everything that means anything to me. My living situation is very stressful. My ex keeps telling me that after I get better (psychologically) we can try again, but in the meantime he intends to continue "boozing and whoring". Who says that to someone? I should also point out that in the beginning of our relationship he suffered from depression and anxiety disorders. I dealt with it, made sure he got drugs that worked and therapy. I never left him, threatened to leave him, or even gave him an ultimatum. But I guess that doesn't count for much. Are all men such babies? When they are sick, they are SICK. When you are sick, it's no big deal.
I'm sorry for taking my anger out on y'all. Just trying to show you where I'm coming from. I know I'm not alone. I know there is help. Believe it or not my biggest problem is that I DON'T talk about how I'm feeling. Like every other cat, I hide my pain. It's a survival instinct.
