Crazy as it sounds, I cannot do this part for me, it is not going to be reviewed by me, I am asked to do something, I do it, I get it done, have the decency to look at it. I don't care if it's right or wrong, I took the time to do it, and it feels wasted if the person who asked me to do it doesn't look at it. That's all I am saying.
I know what makes me miserable, I know what makes me happy, I don't know why I have panic attacks, they just happen out of the blue. When they happen, I cannot write down the when, where and what I was thinking, because it usually happens when I am least expecting it, driving, grocery shopping, phone ringing (this one I know is because I am tired of people calling and asking for money we don't have and them constantly telling me I am a liar).
I am not a detective, and I don't particularly enjoy doing all the work myself, that is why I am going to a therapist, to get help figuring it out and because I am tired of doing it all myself. I don't feel the ahaa moments like most people, I do not get a satisfaction out of being able to figure out things myself, this is something I have had to do all my life, no-one has actually taught me, it was always, you figure it out, potty training, my sister did so could I, cooking, cleaning, school work etc. just stuff I could do. I wanted the teachers to shut up so that I could get it done, because they were just confusing me.
Now I am burnt out, now I want someone to take me by the hand and tell me what to do, how to do it etc. I need the one on one, I need the guidance (I have sort of latched on to you one-on-one). I need and crave the approval, I have always heard your not good enough, you have to do more, do more for me, do more for others, you don't count, what you want doesn't matter and never will. Bah, I am just too tired to hear it and be discounted anymore.
I want to write the story down so I can get things moving. I am not ready to look back on it by myself, I want someone to look at it with me and point things out to me.