Well... I don't know who will actually read this...
I'm KJ-- I have been going through the modules in the toolbox for a few months (but quite honestly haven't been keeping up with it or doing the homework regularly).
I'm 25 and have struggled with depression for 5 years, anxiety for maybe 3-4ish. I am a school nurse.
Brief history... my parents divorced when I was 10 and my brothers, mom and I were across the country from him. In college I became overwhelmed with my schedule of Nursing and Army ROTC as well as relationship issues to complicate things. Also some spiritual things but I know many people don't understand that so I won't elaborate. I got married half-way through my junior year in college. My husband quickly changed personalities and was very angry, sexually and emotionally abusive. He was a year ahead of me - also Army ROTC. We lived together for a brief time before military training separated us. Many difficulties throughout our marriage but usually the same sort of thing.
I was raped in 2007 and after telling my husband he wouldn't talk to me and decided to leave me calling it "adultery" to get himself off the hook with his missionary parents. I never saw him again. More details to that - but that's the simple version.
Throughout all of this I developed poor coping mechanisms and delved deeper into depression. One night as I started to slit my wrists to commit suicide - I found that the cutting/pain itself made me feel better. So I continued to cut/self-mutilate for about two years or so. I had a few times where someone would call the cops and have them take me to the ER for mental health - sometimes stay overnight on the psych unit but get out within a day or two. I did spend one week in a mental hospital - it was hell. Did the whole court thing and all. After that I developed an eating disorder and lost a ton of weight.
I'm in recovery... I've been gradually healing. I get frustrated with myself a lot and feel like I'm always going to be this way. I still get suicidal now and then - but I don't cut anymore. My eating is better though I still restrict on some days when I am really stressed. My sleep is still affected. Right now going to Celebrate Recovery through my church has been great for me - I'm looking forward to working through all the steps - really giving everything up to God and allowing Him to heal me.
So... that's it for now.
KJ
