You can tell me if it helps you, I am not only here to get help, I am also here to help others. Helping others give me a feeling of accomplishment, wich is positive.
I have rather more unpleasant ways than manga or games of 'forgetting'. When I get upset with myself and really convulsed with self-contempt I think I may as well embrace my own depravity and jump into it in an attempt to feel vital. So I make 'full use' of all the internet has to offer. How much do I despise myself for this? There is no measure adequate to the task. But I go back, and back, and back.
But I'm not alone I'm not lonely I'm not sexually deprived or frustrated what is wrong with me?
Sad, sad, sad...........pathetic, despicable, I know all the words and all the truth in them.
Maybe confession can cleanse, who knows?
I just looked back over this message before posting with the feeling it was melodramatic, but what stabbed like a knife was the fact that it is all true. What a mess.
You seem to be melancholic. I myself am phlegmatic. I do not claim to understand you, because I truly don't, but my way to forget is fanfiction, manga and games. My way of forgetting my past mistakes is only temporary, but it's a lot better than beer.
I'm afraid I'll be grimly predictable and say that I find it hard to remember what I was like before I knew I was depressed. More able to relax, more able to forgive myself, I suppose, less depraved. Able to act on occasion, make the odd decision even. But I can't really see myself as that person. I used to be a practising Buddhist and meditated a lot. I remember it calmed my mind, cleared it, gave me focus at times, and freed up my creativity. But I don't have the courage to meditate now...leave me alone with my mind like that and I'll be drowning in black mental spew in no time. It's like the years have gathered and gathered on top of me and around me..........and now the weight is smothering me, stealing my breath and life. I am filled with panic and nervous energy but at the same time unable to act, unable to channel that energy. Just full of dissatisfaction. Every sentence I utter (and write, as I look back on this post) makes me feel a fool, an embarrassment. And I know I have NO RIGHT to feel like this. Sheeesh.
I'll have another go at the program, but it's so hard to apply myself to it, to keep motivated. Increasingly I am believing there is no way out of this. That is frightening, but that voice sounds convincing at times. Maybe that's part of the evil in me, which has turned an outwardly respectable family man into a despicable worm.....
Pete, I am so glad you came back to post. Have you started on the program again?
I hear you are in a very bad place right now and I wish we could just reach over and pull you out of it. Instead we will be right here whenever you need us to support you and listen. I hear you are unhappy and even frustrated with this situation. Please know that this is not you, these feelings, it is the depression. How were you a different person before the depression? Please tell us in detail.
It is ok that your therapist cannot imagine being in a place where you are now. I think it is kind of presumptuous to ever think you can fully comprehend what someone is going through. We are all different. Just because she has not lived through what you are going through it does not mean she doesn't have the skills and the determination to help you through this. Try not to let her personal experience interfere with your working relationship.
I haven't been to this site for a few months, so it only seems polite to say hello again. So hello. I need some support right now, and always found the folks here very giving. I'm just mired in self-hatred and self-contempt, feel myself to be deeply unhappy, corrupt and degenerate. I try and think rationally, but can't begin to sort out the tangled knot of how and why I feel so wrong all the time. I can't settle to anything, can't bear the company of others, but being alone leaves me, well- alone with myself with no need to keep up my daily act, and the bitterness and self-punishment just pours out. It's like there's noone and nothing I could be that would be right, and I curse the universe for placing my soul in such a pathetic mind and body. So I just sink into laziness and degeneration, sit and shout at myself, weep and bang my head against the furniture. I am seeing a therapist, but she admitted last time I saw her that she just can't imagine being in the place where I am, so what hope do I have there?
The things I do are so shameful that I wonder if I am built from evil.
